On the latest “Archer Vice” episode, Archer, Ray and Cyril took off for Colombia to look for distributors for their product — which, conveniently for the drug lords, is already in the U.S., so no smuggling needed!
Of course, it turns out La Madrina, the big-wig drug cartel head whom Archer is there to see, is actually an undercover member of the Policia Nacional de Colombia. To preserve her cover, she’s ending Archer and his boys to prison. Ruh roh.
Malory: “Wait until you’re waist-deep in dirty diapers, or he’s up with the croup and there’s no bourbon in the house. Then fast-forward to him knocking up the au pair, flunking out of college and then single-handedly bankrupting your drug cartel.”
Pam: “Wait, ‘college’?”
Lana: “Don’t you have a tractor pull to headline?”
Pam: “You think if I had 100 pounds of coke I’d be sitting here playing choo-choo spoon with a tranny?”
Lana: “Oh for the — I’M PREGNANT!”
Cheryl: “It said, baffling medical science.”
Krieger: “ISIS had satellites. The, whatever we are, Gang Who Couldn’t Sell Coke Straight, doesn’t even have cable.”
Ray: “Do not compare what we do now to intelligence work.”
Sterling: “Don’t worry, I won’t. Because selling cocaine to cocaine dealers doesn’t really compare to helping overthrow democratically-elected governments, like the U.S. did in Guatemala, Chile, Nicaragua, uh, oh, Iran? Because, spoiler alert, those didn’t really work out so great. But that’s OK! Because I’m pinning my hopes for the future on the next big shipment of Stinger missiles to that rag-tag bunch of Mujahideen heroes in Afghanistan.”
La Madrina: “Are you sure you can’t make love to me just once more?”
Sterling: “Not without a blood transfusion, no.”
Sterling: “Guys, if we get out of this, the first thing I’m gonna do, I swear to God –“
Ray: “If you say, ‘buy a tiger,’ we will beat you to death with your own shoes.”