It’s a match made in Crazytown on this week’s “Bachelor in Paradise.”
Rose Ceremony fallout
In the wake of the dramatic rose ceremony where Dylan went home, everyone is pretty much rubbed the wrong way by Elise’s crazy, rambling speech and the fact that she wasn’t overly nice to Dylan when he really did make the gentlemanly move. He could have accepted the rose just to stay and meet someone else, but he didn’t.
Elise, of course, says that Dylan “is not the man, he’s not ready.” Um, not ready for what? Not ready to hook-up with you and then look the other way when you hump some guy in the ocean? Seriously, I’m all for doin’ your thang on “Bachelor in Paradise,” but if you do, you can’t get mad if it hurts someone’s feelings and they don’t want to be with you anymore. It seems to me Dylan proved he IS the man and he IS ready, and it is Elise who is not ready.
Which is made readily apparent by her slobbering all over Bukowski after the rose ceremony. Has there been a couple in the history of this show that deserved each other more? I think not.
The new arrival
The editors once again prove how much they love us by overlapping Michelle’s speech about how “nothing” can come between herself and Marquel with Danielle’s arrival. Oooh, spoke too soon, Money.
Danielle gets a date card right off the back and she has no idea who to choose because she doesn’t know which couples have formed yet. Michelle tells Danielle it’s OK and to follow her gut feeling (as long as it’s not Marquel, she says privately) and then it’s Marquel. Yes! This is wonderful. The coordination behind this show is amazing, you guys. The producers are really on the ball.
The next day, Michelle decides she’s “so over” Marquel and “so into” Robert. Well, Marquel did pretty much say Money is a high-functioning alcoholic, so he’s probably not the guy for her. Cheers, Money. But it’ll be interesting to see if Robert prefers Michelle or Sarah. Team Sarah!
Marquel and Danielle’s date
They fly in a prop plane to some ruins where they get to go swimming, it’s super romantic. And Danielle manages to confess she came on the show because of a crush she had on Marquel without sounding like a stalker. She actually comes across very sweet. Everything’s awesome, until a rainstorm blows in and lightning literally strikes the ground mere feet from them. Yikes. That would be so scary.
Chris and Elise’s date
Elise gets a date card and invites Bukowski — she wants to “reward” him for “really fighting” for her. Or “reward” him for “accepting her rose to avoid having to leave.” There, fixed that for you. Plus, all of a sudden, Chris injures his knee. He’s not supposed to go on the date, but nothing like a pesky knee injury is going to stop Hurricane Bukowski.
After their flight to Campeche, they get to eat a beautiful dinner in a cobblestone courtyard. But instead of just shutting up so us viewers can enjoy the scenery, they blah-blah about their “relationship” and Elise tells Bukowski that he “will be so blessed for being so sweet to [her].” Um, I feel confident in saying that she means he will be rewarded with sex.
Production delivers a fantasy suite card to their table — because production can read the writing on the bathroom stall about who to call for a good time. They pretend that they’re going to “feel it out” by going for a swim first, but we all know what is going on, right? Chris actually says, “I want to enjoy her behind closed doors” and honestly, if this program could show boobs, this could be categorized as soft-core porn.
They practically leave Chris-and-Elise-shaped holes in the wall getting to the fantasy suite.
The double date
Michelle and Clare decide they are going to put on a double date for themselves and Robert and Zach. Michelle is upfront about it with Sarah and says she’s “not going to mark her territory or anything,” but Sarah still feels like Michelle is swooping in to steal him. Well, it’s not exactly that — Robert isn’t taken by anyone, so he’s a free agent to do whatever he wants. But Sarah has some insecurities and I can see how this would really upset her.
Weirdly, Michelle and Clare don’t tell their fellas about the date. They just show up with drinks, while Sarah sits back at the tiki hut alone and is sad because she didn’t have the confidence to ask Robert to do something with her. She’s intimidated by Michelle because she thinks Michelle is prettier and more put together and she thinks Robert wouldn’t like “a girl like [her].” Oh, Sarah. I just want to hug Sarah and stroke her hair and tell her how great she is. The only thing Michelle has over Sarah is confidence. That is it. This is kind of heartbreaking. Poor girl.
Later, Marquel comes back from his date and Michelle declares that he likes to play games. Um, what? Marquel didn’t play any games with Michelle. He called her out on drinking too much (no judgment here, *clink*) and then he said OK to a date with someone. What was he supposed to say, no? She’s brand new to the game, how rude. Plus, let’s be honest, Money — you and Marquel were not, like, engaged or something.
The second arrival
Jackie Parr definitely gets the best intro of the show so far. She struts up the beach with some electric guitar playing like she’s sex on a stick. What’s hilarious is that Jackie makes Michelle insecure. Geez. Also, Jackie has a date card. And she tries to ask who has paired up, but the girls tell her it doesn’t matter and choose who you want — of course, the unspoken part is that, “But not MY man, of course,” as Clare drapes herself on Zach. My god, might as well have peed on his leg, Clare.
And then Danielle can’t believe Marquel said yes to Jackie’s date. Um, the exact same thing just happened to you. You can’t remember 24 hours ago when you were new and didn’t know who to ask? Also, it’s called having manners (on the guys’ parts) by not turning someone down just because they’ve been out with someone else. It’s just polite. It doesn’t mean Jackie automatically gets Marquel’s rose.
But of course, Michelle Money decides this means that Marquel is a man-whore. She practically spits on him. Is she that angry about him calling her Drunky Brewster? Seriously, lay off the Cookie Monster, Money.
The next day, AshLee gets her crazy all over Danielle about how she and Graham are getting engaged in the spring and married in the spring of 2016 (may or may not be televised on ABC) and how they’ll have a boy and twin girls named Aiden, Olivia and Charlotte. Seriously, AshLee. Rein it in. Plus, Graham is simultaneously telling Michelle how he’s really playing it loose with AshLee. But then of course, she gets a date card and asks Graham. He can’t help but say yes. Oh, Graham. Hide the bunnies from this one.
We also have to check in with Lacy and Marcus, who are soulmates or something. Are level of attractiveness and level of excitement inversely proportional on this show? Sure seems that way.
Jackie and Marquel’s date
More ruins. Not they aren’t cool, but they’re everywhere on this show. Anyway, Marquel and Jackie seem to be really hitting it off, so it’s probably sayonara Danielle. Really the only thing that happ
ens here is that they make out.
Meanwhile, Chris and Elise limp home from their date and head for the hospital because all the sexytime has ruined Chris’ knee. Back at the ponderosa, Sarah is hanging out with Robert (yay!) and then takes a moment to tell Elise to be careful about Bukowski (and just her crazy falling “in love” at the drop of a hat thing). Elise insists she’s not going to get hurt. OK, then.
That night, Clare is sad about the 10-year anniversary of her dad’s death, but it’s all cool because of a turtle birth happening a few feet away, so she makes out with Zach. Hope her raccoon friend doesn’t get wind of this. He might get jealous. Or maybe! Maybe the raccoon sent the turtle to make Clare feel better. I bet that’s it.
AshLee and Graham’s date
At dinner, AshLee talks about how she fell for him by following his Instagram and Graham makes the most hilarious “Hey, stalker!” face. When the fantasy suite card arrives, which is two separate rooms if they so choose, Graham makes it clear he wants the separate rooms. AshLee says her “heart is open” to being free-spirited about it and I choke a little on my wine because she might as well have said, “I’m DTF, but Graham’s not sure.”
However, even after AshLee’s best efforts at wiggling in her teeny, tiny dress, Graham chooses to stay separately from her. Good on you, Graham. Stick to your guns.
It’s all coming down to Marquel and Robert’s roses. They’re acting like Marquel is choosing between Danielle and Jackie, but we all know who he’s going to choose. But Robert is a little more up in the air between Michelle and Sarah.
Michelle decides it’s time to lay it all on the line with Robert and find out why he’s been avoiding her since their double date. She tells him to do what feels right for him, but the unspoken part is, “As long as it’s me who you choose.” She’s a little intense.
The roses go Graham-AshLee, Zach-Clare, Marcus-Lacy, of course. And then Marquel offers Jackie his rose, no real surprise. Robert then gives his rose to … SARAH! OMG. I am so pleasantly surprised at this turn of events. Sorry, Michelle Money. Hey, maybe Bukowski will give Michelle his rose so she can stay and he’ll ride of into the sunset (on a stretcher) with Elise.
And then that’s what happens! I’m like Nostra-Bachelor over here.
Elise’s vision board has come true, y’all. The power of positive thinking! Rainbows! Silver linings! Obsessive guys who don’t want you so much as breathing near someone else! Woo woo?
Hilariously, as Bukowski tells Michelle she deserves true love and deserves his rose, Danielle is like, “I’m right here.” But anyway, Michelle gets to stay, Elise has found her “husband” (or temporary hook-up) and they limp off into the sunset together. In the fuzzy-filter montage of their relationship, there is a lot of drinking, blurred out buttcracks and kissing. They’re definitely in it for the long haul, y’all. *wipes tears away*
Next week: Two episodes! Does AshLee snap and run off into the jungle?! You guys, what did we do to deserve this?