On the second episode of “Bachelor Pad,” we find “The Outsiders” alliance compelling — but just when Gia has our respect, she screws it up by falling for the “Love, It Don’t Come Easy” guy.
Crazypants and Kovacs
Now that Michelle is gone, Elizabeth shall hitherto be known as “Crazypants.” Anyway, Crazypants gets her way because Kovacs realizes he’s better off with a partner (or he realizes that if he rebuffs her, she will
stab him in his sleep poison the women against him) and decides to be with CP.
She’s my cherry pie …
Oh, this show … too many jokes. So the competition is pie-eating. Tenley told us earlier that we “may want to close our eyes” on this one — and she was not lying. This is not sexy. This is disgusting. Tenley, to her credit since she seems like a Disney princess, does puke and rally, which is hardcore. Ashley says of Gia and Tenley, “It was absolutely shocking these two tiny little peanuts could crush some pie,” which might be the best thing ever. Gia pulls it out and our respect for her skyrockets. She went balls-to-the-wall on that one and we did not expect that out of her.
When it’s the guys’ turn to eat some pie [giggle], the big guys go in thinking they’re going to dominate, but instead Jonathan the Weatherman goes nutso and finishes his like that *snaps fingers.* We’re proud of him, that was clutch. And just by the way, we are going to start using “tossed the pan” in our everyday lives … somehow.
The “Inside” girls are the ones who go to reunions and, ahem, a joke
about “inside,” don’t make us spell it out for you. So Peyton, Gia,
Krisily, Gwen and Nikki feel a bit on the “outside” because they are
disease-free not those girls.
Gia works on Jonathan to keep the Outside girls around because the
Inside girls will keep Kovacs, Kiptyn and David around as long as
possible. When the date cards arrive, Jonathan takes Gwen, Peyton and Ashley — and the guys realize that he’s a gamer in taking them.
They go to an art studio for some body painting. Jonathan lets the girls dump paint all over him, he’s a great sport. Everybody is having a blast. How could you not, really? But it quickly turns into Jonathan rounding up Peyton, Gwen and Ashley to be in “The Outsiders.” Oh, Jonathan … you’re so Pony Boy.
Ashley starts laying it on thick with Jonathan because she knows she floats between the two groups and needs the rose from him. Just kiss him, Ashley. After he stops crying, he’ll give you a rose.
Except Jonathan wants to get romantic with Gwen! Hoo boy! Coo-coo-ca-choo, Gwen and Jonathan! Oh, this makes us so happy! Except then Gwen totally shoots it down in a talking-head. Awww. Poor Jonathan.
Also, it was probably a mistake to not give the rose to Ashley. She’s a floater and she could turn away from “The Outsiders” now, whereas Gwen has no choice but to be with their alliance.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch …
Everybody has a hot tub party while Krisily, Nikki and Gia go to bed. Well, if you don’t include yourself, that’s what happens. You have to go make new friends, don’t let them exclude you! But Nikki, Gia and Krisily make a plan to give Gia’s rose to Craig so “The Outsiders” can keep the numbers.
Elizabeth then calls the other clique “The Others.” Oh, that’s excellent. Jonathan is totally Alex’s boyfriend and Craig M. is Benjamin freakin’ Linus. Jonathan balks at including Craig M. in the alliance, but he knows it’s the right thing to do. Gia also talks him back from the Ashley ledge because she’s not with them.
Gia takes Wes, Craig M. … Natalie then says, “Really? Craig?” Wow, that was bitchy. We’re not Craig’s biggest fans, but that was mean and unnecessary. Gia then “pulls a name out of a hat,” but instead writes Jesse Beck’s name on every piece of paper. It’s her big plan to get him on their side. Devious.
On the date, they go to dinner and Gia is right up front with Craig about giving him the rose and their alliance. You know what would be cool? If Craig would talk to Jonathan and apologize, so the alliance is solid. You know that would go a LONG way with Jonathan.
Gia takes Jesse alone and spells it out for him and he seems to be on board with “The Outsiders.” We shall see … hmmm. Wes gets his alone time and he pretty much declares his love for Gia. It’s very adorable. Why is “Bachelor Pad” making us like the people we didn’t like on their season and hate the people we did like? This is MADNESS.
It comes time for the rose and Gia is torn between Craig and Wes, but she eventually gives it to Wes. Oh, Gia. That is the WRONG decision for your alliance. Wow. You had us on your side, Gia, and you just lost us. We were so on board with “The Outsiders” and you just effed it up.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch II …
The “Kool Kids” realize what it means if the date comes back and Craig has the rose. They’re pretty much freaking out. Elizabeth and Kovacs are scrambling because if Craig has a rose (and Jonathan already has one), Kovacs is the next target because Crazypants told all the women that he was a jerk and they’ll get rid of him. So she “coyly” asks how can she make it up to him and they go off to the shower … oh my god, the level of her debasement and manipulation is making us physically ill. She is mental.
She says she “understands the kind of guy who Kovacs is,” but she clearly does NOT, since last episode she freaked out when she realized he wanted to hook up without repercussions. There are very few girls who can actually pull off “friends with benefits” and Elizabeth is SO NOT ONE OF THEM. This is … this is … scary to watch. Just … wow. We are at a loss. Did she have a mom? Why is she like this? Have some self respect, Crazypants.
Jessie Sulidis, who appears not to have picked a side yet, takes some hot tub time with Dave and aligns with him, sealing it with a make-out session. Krisily overhears/spies on them from nearby and goes to Kiptyn to say that Jessie is a snake. Oooooh, intrigue.
Natz and Jesse
So it turns out Natalie has “made the rounds” amongst the “Bachelor” franchise dudes — and Jesse isn’t really down with that. He’s much more smitten with Gia — go with “The Outsiders,” Jesse! Natalie acts like her heart is broken, which is ridiculous. It’s been like three days.
The New Plan
Gia’s new plan (after effing things up by giving Wes the rose) is to get rid of Kiptyn and tie the vote 50-50, which leaves Gia as the tie-breaker because she holds the rose. She also hopes the guys vote for Jessie S. after she appears to be a bit of a snake.
Chris Harrison comes in … did he get dressed in the DARK? What on Earth is he wearing?! Wow. Anyway. He asks them about relationships and Elizabeth says her relationship with Kovacs is no different than Tenley’s relationship with Kiptyn, which Tenley takes offense to and rightly so. Tenley is not Crazypants.
However, when Tenley points out that there are “physical differences” in the two relationships (which we understand to be true), Elizabeth is the one who gets offended — because it’s a hard reality to face when you’re kind of a dumb ‘ho (and we use those words VERY carefully because we don’t like those words, but Elizabeth is being unbelievable on this show). So Tenley starts crying and Elizabeth is offended and while we don’t think the waterworks were necessary, we are still totally on Team Tenley. Remember: Elizabeth = Crazypants.
The claws come out when talking about the lying in the house and can we just pause to acknowledge that Craig M. is dressed like an extra from “Miami Vice” and Natalie looks like she belongs in Madonna’s “Borderline” video? Yikes.
“The Outsiders” seem to feel pretty confident, but the “Kool Kids” ringleader Elizabeth threatens Ashley not to go against them. And she does it in a creepy way that does not surprise any of us because Elizabeth is a nutjob.
Jessie S. was the target of just about everybody, but she talks to Dave and says she’ll vote for Craig if they’ll vote for Krisily instead. Krisily gets wind of this and tells Gwen and Nikki and the “Kool Kids” guys rally and Kiptyn takes Nikki off somewhere.
This is making our head hurt. What is going to happen? Is Crazy Eyes Sandra Bullock going to vote out Kiptyn or Craig?
The roses (Gwen, Jonathan, Gia and Wes already have them) go to Tenley, Jesse B., Peyton, Nikki, Ashley, Dave, Elizabeth, Natalie and Kovacs, which leaves Krisily, Jessie S., Kiptyn and Craig M. in danger. The final two roses go to Krisily and Kiptyn. Wow. So each team takes a hit. And Gia should feel like a total piece of crap right now because she screwed the pooch on that one.
Gia is surprised and can’t believe it wasn’t tied, but if you had just given the rose to Craig, it wouldn’t be an issue, Gia. And Nikki should rightly feel guilty because she also screwed that up — clearly, “The Outsiders” girls are furious. They should’ve picked a guy easier to vote off, like Kovacs.
Outtakes: Kovacs and Dave try to make some lasagna in the oven and are stumped. Are they high? Oh my goodness.
Photo credit: ABC