I don’t know about you, but I am still twirling around my living room, arms open wide, singing along to REO SPEEDWAGON (the mostromantic band EVER) and wishing it was me me meeeeeeee, when Chris Harrison interrupts my revelry of marshmallow kisses and saccharine dreams. He wants us to talk about The Bachelorette. He wants to remind me (just in case the patchouli and Love incense went straight to my head and I forgot the magic I witnessed just moments ago) that Ashley picked J.P. and J.P. picked Ashley and they love each other, but moments after their betrothal, they were cruelly ripped apart and have been forced to keep their forbidden love a secret until now. The big question is: Did the relationship last the three months it took for the show to be edited into the stream of misleading malarkey that it is? Are the happy couple actually happy? Actually a couple? Actually planning a wedding? Chris Harrison takes a moment to sacrifices a cow to the love gods in the hopes that Ashley and J.P. actually get around to planning a wedding, which ABC can air and get many many products placed. Also if Ashley and J.P. actually make it to the altar or chuppah they would increase The Bachelor’s matchmaking skills from 1.5/19 to 2.5/19.
But before we can see the happy couple, we have to hang out with poor sad sack Ben and force him to relive his public humiliation one more time. Won’t that be fun? As Chris drags poor Ben on stage, it is clear that the ladies love Ben, even if Ashley doesn’t. They scream and scream and wave and cat call and scream some more and Ben looks a little scared amidst all the hubbub. As he takes a seat on the comfy couch Chris Harrison reminds Ben that Ashley didn’t pick him and he got his heartbroken that day. Ben nods mutely in agreement, but Chris wants to show him the tape anyway. So we are then treated to a full five minute clip from the show WE JUST SAW, but now we get to watch Ben watching himself talk about his love for Ashley, his dead father, and then see himself propose and get rejected and storming off. It’s very awkward.
As Chris Harrison asks Ben how it feels to watch the clip that we all just saw 15 minutes ago, Ben says it is hard to watch himself make such an ass of himself. His biggest regret? Not throwing that ring in the ocean. Or Ashley for that matter. Second biggest regret? Maybe he should have been a LITTLE more skeptical about the fact that “his” girlfriend was actually dating two guys simultaneously and might not choose him. Also, maybe he could have been nicer to Ashley, but why? She (and the producers) begged him to be open, vulnerable, and honest, but didn’t expect Ashley to be any of those things. It’s The Bachelorette paradox and Ben got squooshed in the middle.