I was hoping to find out that since the last time I recapped a show in The Bachelor universe that maybe the producers or viewers had come to their senses — well, not their full senses, because that would mean the show was cancelled and the creators prosecuted at some kind of cultural crimes against humanity war tribunal — I was hoping that maybe for once this show would just be an hour because I’ve found that since I moved to the East Coast that the show is on so late that I am very tired when I’m finished recapping it, as opposed to when I lived out west and was just very disappointed with humanity in general when I finished an episode.
But no, it’s two hours for no satisfactory reason that has ever been given to anybody, so I guess I’ll just settle in for the duration. I haven’t watched this show all season, because I refuse to watch it when I’m not being paid to do so. It is an excellent rule, except for the part where you think about it a little bit and conclude that I am some kind of television whore, and not the kind of television whore that appears on this show. Let’s just move on.
So: previously on this show, Ashley gets laryngitis and climbs into bed because there is a man named Bentley who left her with a dot-dot-dot, and she needs closure or else she might never find love. She says she wants a clean break, and Chris Harrison is going to work his a– off to make that happen, but we’ll quickly find out they’re both lying.