Welcome back to The Bachelorette. We have made it, people. Tonight! Tonight! (Depending on your age and predilection those two words will either get West Side Story or Smashing Pumpkins stuck in your head. Either way, you’re welcome.) Where were we? Oh right, you guys! Tonight Ashley will find her husband. Or at least the guy she will date for the next six months under tabloid scrutiny until they fizzle out and J.P. becomes a Bachelor, once again beating out Ryan P. for the “honor.” Oops. Did I say J.P.? I meant, Ashley will choose either J.P. OR Ben to be her reality show husband. She will choose one of them and they will either propose or pull a Bob (was it Bob? Daaaaaaaaaniel, was it Bob who pocketed the ring and said he’d give it to the girl later when they got to know each other in real life and were eating at Olive Garden like the rest of us?) Anyway, Ashley will either walk away with a husband or with a chump with a ring in his pocket and a sobbing girl on his arm.
Speaking of sobbing girls, I propose a drinking game for the evening where we all do a shot of something classy like, say, Goldschlager (what? nothing is classier than REAL GOLD FLAKES in grain alcohol) every time Ashley cries. Who’s with me, America? We owe it to Ashley to be completely schnockered as she completes her magical journey down a rainbow of happiness into the arms of her betrothed and rides off on a unicorn into the pink sunset of an eternal tunnel of love.
Ashley disembarks from a dingy that she has sailed to a remote island in the Fiji archipelago. She is hiding there to escape from the zombies lush wildlife of the other island she was on. Oh hell, I have no idea why they are on a new island. Frankly, as far as I can tell, The Bachelorette crew likes to treat an archipelago like a Madhatter’s Tea Party and just use up one island and move to the next. I mean, why not? There are a lot of freakin’ lush unspoiled islands in the world, why not use ’em like they are a Use’n’Toss member of the Glad Family of Products, right? So Ashley is on a new island, but don’t worry she has brought her skintight white jeans with her, because she wouldn’t want to NOT dress like a lesser Kardashian.