If you missed Charlie Sheen‘s “20/20“ interview on ABC on Tuesday night, we don’t blame you. It’s getting difficult to differentiate between one interview or another. Chances are if you turn on your TV, open a newspaper, or surf the web, you’re inundated with Sheenisms non-stop.
We watched the “20/20″ trainwreck so you don’t have to. You can thank us later. Here’s what you need to know right off the bat — Sheen passed a drug test, is currently living with his two “goddess” girlfriends, model Natalie Kenly and Rachel Oberlin (also known as pornstar Bree Olsen) and is still sharing physical custody of his twins Max and Bob with his soon-to-be-ex wife, Brooke Mueller. Yes — the kids are still in Sheen’s house. The goddesses say they would “take a bullet” for the kids, though. So they’re obviously safe.
(For the record, Denise Richards, the mother of Sheen’s daughters Sam and Lola, tweeted Tuesday that “my girls have been and always will be my first priority. They are safe.” She also tweeted that she is not a madam. You know, just to set the record straight.)
We know what you’re really here for, though — the quotes. Here are the words of wisdom from the winner himself.
On passing his drug test: “I am on a drug. It’s called ‘Charlie Sheen!’ It’s not available because if you try it once you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body. Too much?”
On his new, extra-crazy-on-top media persona: “I’ve been the aw-shucks guy with this bitchin’ rockstar life, so now I’m going to completely embrace it. I’m going to wrap both arms around it and love it violently, and defend it violently, through violent hatred.”
On why he’s better than you: “You’re dealing with a vatican assassin. Sorry. I’m a high priest vatican assassin warlock.”
On his notable quotables: “I don’t know. All these words just sound cool together. They come from my grand wizard master.”
Is his “Two and a Half Men” character based on his real life? “If the true story was ever told, of course, it would have to be on cable.”
On his two “goddess” girlfriends: “I’m not a marriage guy, but maybe the three of us will get married. Oh, now it’s a polygamy story.”
On the celebrity friends who have tried to help him: “Colin Farrell, Sean Penn, Mel Gibson. They didn’t give me any advice. Within that there’s great advice. There’s just love. Just seeing what’s up.”
On his father, Martin Sheen: “Nah, I’m not interested in any of that. He has no right to do that. That’s judgment and I have no interest in that. I don’t care whether he’s my dad or the guy down the street or somebody that like, fell out of the sky. No interest in that. I don’t care if he’s my dad. Back off with your judgment.”
On his most recent drug binge: “I’m proud of what I created. It was radical. I exposed people to magic. I exposed them to something they’re never going to see in their boring normal lives.”
On what fueled his highly publicized NYC night of debauchery: “Ambien, hello, Ambien. The devil’s aspirin. Anyone? Ambien? Sometimes sleep is for infants. I don’t sleep. I wait. When I can’t sleep I don’t fight it. I just figure that there’s a higher calling.”
On working out: “I’m comin’ for you, Warner Bros. Just let me catch my breath first. I am a peaceful man with bad intentions.”
On his penchant for porn stars: “It’s exciting, it’s fun, because you already know what you’re getting before you meet them. They’re the best at what they do, I’m the best at what I do. It’s on.”
On his kids: “Could I have one little part of my life that’s not TMZed up the butt?”
On CBS executives on set: “When you walk into the house of ‘Two and a Half Men’ you can smell the love. The fun stops at one. That’s when they roll in. They just puke all over it. They’re not welcome to be in the presence of what I’m delivering.”
On his bank account: “I’m not [broke] but I was kind of counting on some of that money to get me through the summer. Now I’ve got to like work. But that’s alright. Work’s good. Work fuels the soul.”
On what he’s suing Warner Bros and CBS for: “Tons. They’re going to put it on the scale and be like, a little more, a little more. Add some gold, all your toupees. Bingo! I’m here to collect, and they’re going to lose.”
On working with Chuck Lorre again: “Maybe two guys just sit in a room and say look, we hate each other, let’s continue to make some great television.”
On erratic behavior: “You borrow my brain for five seconds and just be like dude, can’t handle it, unplug this bastard. It fires in a way that is, I don’t know, maybe not from this terrestrial realm. When you’ve got tiger blood and Adonis DNA, it’s like, get with the program dude.”