On the Season 3 finale of “Duck Dynasty,” it’s “Aloha, Robertsons!” as Willie Robertson, Uncle Si, and the crew head to Hawaii as a reward for all their hard work. The trip gets off to a rocky start as the airline loses Willie’s luggage, and the hotel has no room for Uncle Si, leaving him to bunk with Willie and his wife, Korie Robertson.
Phil Robertson and Miss Kay immediately ditch the group for some alone time in their hotel room. But the couple have different plans. Miss Kay is on the honeymoon she never had, while Phil just wants to feed his man crush on Matt Damon as Jason Bourne.
While Miss Kay can’t get over the flowers, the ocean, and the scenic views, Phil can’t put down the remote control. “He got every kind of jiu-jitsu known to man,” Phil says of Bourne as he watches “The Bourne Ultimatum.”
After calling Bourne a “cross between MacGyver and James Bond,” Phil opines: “He can live off things he finds in the woods — the ultimate redneck. Kind of like the son you never had.”
Meanwhile, Willie has gathered the rest of the family beside the hotel pool to go over the vacation itinerary. Uncle Si is channeling 1980s era Tom Selleck with his wardrobe and announces his new nickname, Magnum P.Si. He says his first case is to locate Willie’s missing bag.
But before that can happen, the guys need to head over to the surfing lesson Willie scheduled. “It’s been a life long dream of mine to learn how to surf,” Willie says. “Ever since I saw the movie ‘Point Break.’ Keanu Reeves‘ acting is flawless.” But Willie’s surfing is unfortunately not flawless, as he ends the lesson by barfing up his guts.
Jase Robertson, of course, is endlessly amused by Willie’s troubles, pointing out, “He just looks like a whipped swamp donkey.” As these brothers will do, Jase gives Willie no end of hazing over the Hawaiian sarong he’s been forced to wear without the clothes he packed in his lost luggage. But Willie is quick to defend his cultural wardrobe choice, telling Jase, “It’s not a skirt. It’s a sarong, son.”
Since Jase decides to opt out of the overbearing itinerary, Willie counters with a little manipulation technique. He promises a “dangerous, high-risk adventure” in the jungle that Jase simply can’t refuse. The problem is, it’s really just a Segway tour. Jase tries to liven up the event by challenging Willie to a game of chicken, but all Willie can do is take a tumble off the two-wheeler into the dirt. “What is the point of this ‘adventure,'” Jase wonders. “All you’ve proven to me is that the law of gravity is more dominant than modern technology.”
Meanwhile, Miss Kay is determined to drag Phil away from Jason Bourne and schedules a couples massage. While she aims to keep it a surprise, she does reveal the plan will “make all my dreams come true,” which leads Phil to admit, “Somethin’ tells me we’re not goin’ huntin’.” When the masseuse asks Phil to remove his camouflage pants, it’s a no go. He’s scared he’s going to get the rubber glove treatment his doctor gave him last time he dropped troy, and he tells the unassuming massage artist all about it.
Phil does finally give in to the relaxation, but still doesn’t want anyone to know he went in for a lavender spa treatment. “I don’t think rednecks do this,” he says. “I’d only seen it in the movies.” This, of course, brings the discussion in the outdoor massage room back to good old Jason Bourne.
Across the island, Jase has had enough of Willie’s itinerary and is pushing him to make this a real adventure by jumping into unknown waters off a stone “Mayan ruin” (according to Si). “Take that dress off and do something,” Jase taunts. But Willie is not having it. “I am the CeO of a multi-million dollar business,” he says. “I don’t buckle to peer pressure.” Until he does. After some chicken squawks from Si, Willie goes into flashback mode and realizes he better join his brothers and take the leap.
“If they guys had read the itinerary, they would have seen that I allowed 22 minutes of free time to do stuff like this anyway,” Willie says afterward. “So it’s kinda my idea.” As always, Willie. As always.
The family ends their trip with a luau and Phil’s standard dinner table prayer. Willie’s lesson this time around? “Every now and again, you have to let your beard down and be a little spontaneous.”