“Gossip Girl”: So here’s what’s been going on: Serena and Blair are in Paris, still. Serena has been sleeping her way through most of the labor class, while Blair has become intellectually pretentious and apparently kicked the s***out of her bulimia. Blair and Lily are both wearing some Ramona Flowers-height shoulder pads that make them look like they’re in a Weird Old Lady Army, while Serena’s hair and confusion about what constitutes clothes have grown to unimaginable magnitude during her time overseas.
Blair stares at that one Manet painting everybody likes, and eventually meets a cute boy who turns out to be Monaco royalty, of course, pulling some kind of “Thoroughly Modern Millie/Roman Holiday” scheme, of course. B doesn’t figure that out Serena has secretly collegiately c***blocked B for like the fifth time, changing her application to Brown. For these and so many other reasons, Blair pushes her in a great big fountain, like getting soaking wet is going to make Serena less hot.
Meanwhile on the UES — in which time moves strangely, as ever, sometimes matching Paris time and sometimes six hours behind — Vanessa returns with more clever patter than a “Daria” soundboard and a freakout re: Dan, who is shacked up in DUMBO with Georgina and their son Milo, who is obviously not their son. Nobody knows where Chuck is, which worries Lily but is fine with Rufus, who is now wearing the too-tight polo shirts that trophy husbands have been wearing since marriage began.
Nate’s worked his way down to the T’s in the Chuck Bass Book of Whores when he meets Katie Cassidy, who is absolute perfection as usual. This Juliet gives Nate the full Barbara Stanwyck and then runs over to Eleanor’s basecamp at PRADA, because apparently she “volunteers” at pretend charity events from inside Anna Wintour’s mind, such as Fashion’s Night Out. After some judging and patter and meet-cute and fake-problems, they totally fall in love or something.
Dan has lost weight while his hair has gone mad, and Nate has gained weight while his hair has relatively calmed down, and they both look fabulous. So Georgina crashes the pre-event event carrying Milo’s birth certificate, probably in an attempt to sell the Empire Hotel to Russian gangsters or something. Lily kicks everybody out, irritating Eleanor, and gets her heartstrings yanked by Georgina, who produces paternity results and gets Dan’s signature. While Vanessa prepares to go to war to save Dan’s girlish figure from destruction, Georgina and Juliet do mysterious s*** and act all weird.
In the end, we’re left with two unlikely teases — Is Juliet Gossip Girl? Is Chuck really dead? — before a quick look back at the many rapes and near-death experiences of Mr. Bass. Turns out he was saved from death by the tender ministrations of that Veela girl from “Harry Potter”… And then (in a fairly lovely sequence, from a cinematic episode full of them) decided to give himself amnesia! Meet Henry and Eva. Meet Season Four, and approve. So happy to be back! XOXO.
Photo credit: The CW