Dan and Blair, with Little J’s help, have finally figured out the past ten episodes of Juliet’s misbehavior. But even without this helpful info, it’s probably a good idea for Serena to get some treatment anyway, just for her general loosy-goosy screwballness, so Eric talks our soldiers into leaving Serena out of their plans. With Gossip Girl’s help, they track Juliet to Cornwall, CT — on a long, adorable drive in a vintage auto — where Damien Dalgaard fills in the blanks on both Serena’s absinthe-laced boarding school history and Juliet’s more recent purchase of old-school Serena-killing unguents and powders.
Nate finds himself stuck between his mother and the Captain, and it’s all very back-and-forthy, but in the end he picks his dad over Anne and invites him to come live in the Empire instead of going to a halfway house. So I guess now the Captain is going to burn down Chuck’s hotel or sell it for drugs or something. Which wouldn’t be Chuck’s only issue: Come to find out that Lily’s moving fast to sell Bass Industries out from under him before he comes of age. By episode’s end, he’s off Down Under, presumably to grab Uncle Jack so he can rape Lily some more.
Turns out that Serena’s daddy issues were still hitting hard, back in the day, but Ben somehow managed to gain S’s respect and fond admiration by being the first and only man ever to turn her down. Little did she know, after running back to the UES, that Lily managed to sorta accidentally get him jailed for statutory, by signing Serena’s name to an affidavit, in an attempt to… get her daughter back into Constance. (That part is confusing, especially given the fact that Eric was killing himself at the time, but to be fair even S points out how retarded it is.)