So very many schemes! Nate and Lola, that braintrust, get three of ’em cooking right away — which is at the least one too many — when they decide to use Diana to take Gossip Girl away from poor crazy Serena, use Serena to take down Diana to save the Spectator, and use thence Diana to get the truth about Jack Bass and Chuck’s unendingly troubled genetic code. Of course, all three are doomed once Serena very Serenaly tips her hand about working with Diana her own self in another scheme, which is to say immediately and without finesse, so then they have to do a separate scheme with her to work against Diana in turn. It’s frothy and delightful.
The encoded contents of Diana’s Little Red Daybook are proving difficult for old Nate and Chuck to decipher, but a Nate brainwave — “You need ex-CIA, or a serial killer” — brings Blair into the mix. She’s more than happy to help, since Dan’s got her on the road to recovering herself and is in turn off musing about spending a literary summer in Rome. One fake massage from Dorota later, and they’ve figured out that the codes in Diana’s book represent different international travel destinations in one of the most hilariously bizarre scenes we’ve had in a long time.
Diana gives both Nate and Serena the phone number for the real Gossip Girl, which because of the other eight things going on means everybody is invited to Diana’s secret meeting — which is at the same roving Eyes Wide Shut tattoo sex club from years past! No Carter Baizen, BOO!, but we learn Diana’s old persona: India (anagrams!), the madam of the whole operation.