On “Gossip Girl”: Serena’s cunning taxi plan: F*** Dr. McRapey into submission each night, to sap him of his taxi-stealing vitality. Downside: Colin is the new Fortune 500 professor for Psychology of Business. Transforming her Walk of Shame dress into a whole new look and heading back to campus, S tries to have a conversation with Colin but it makes no sense, so he invites her to a party with the misquoting hacks at the New York Observer.
Nate runs into Juliet at the jailhouse, visiting their respective family members; he tries to awkwardly bond, she lies to him about roughly twelve things and disappears. Brother Ben’s so mad about her burgeoning Nate love that he grows muttonchops and asks the Captain out on a prison date that ends with a warning to Juliet about keeping mum. (Fun tip! In white-people prison they beat you with dictionaries, thesauruses and copies of Garner’s Modern American Usage.)
Blair’s psychic Audrey Hepburn dreams warn her of Jenny’s return to the island, so she heads on over to PRADA to murder her. But Little J’s only home to visit Tim Gunn at Parson’s, where he doesn’t work, so in a totally reasonable fashion, Jenny asks for a day pass. Blair agrees — if she stays gone through the holidays and doesn’t talk to anybody while she’s in town — and sends the Minions to stand guard.
Eric and Dan get all uproary about this revolting business but since Jenny’s sorta great now, she ignores all drama: “Um, 100% vintage crazy-ass Blair?” Chuck drops by to apologize for finishing up that rape, but when Dan gets up his ass he steals her sketchbook instead. The Minions are excited about tracking her to the Empire, and of course B goes ballistic and heads over to Tim Gunn’s silver fox palace herself.
Jenny and Tim have a convo about, presumably, fashion, but to be honest my heart was beating so fast I couldn’t hear it. Twist: Blair has spraypainted J’s self-esteem centered showpiece collection with the letters W-H-O-R-E. The Grey Lady is none too impressed, but Chuck immediately offers invites to Colin’s NYO party so J can explain to Tim about the sabotage.
What Serena wears to the party, I’m not sure I can describe. It’s like what Teela’s dad would wear, if he were He-Man’s official drag queen-at-arms; she is wearing an entire MAC store of orange on her face; and her ponytail looks like it was made by that spider they gave LSD. Lily finds out the hard way that Professor Colin is really just Serena’s new boyfriend. Disappointed, Lily calls her a golddigging whore and tells her to drop out of college. Which would be amazing reverse psychology, if Serena had a psychology.
The Minions summon Blair to the party and attack, wearing awesome matching dresses and trim, but during Jenny’s face-saver with Tim she realizes Chuck set up the whole thing to mess with Blair. Blair instantly figures it out, too, but Chuck promises her Jenny doesn’t care about games or reputation bulls***. Surprise! Jenny sends the virginity blast herself, getting pimp hand on both their asses by being the first person on this show in a long time to actually get ahead of the news cycle.
Told you Jenny came back awesome! Not that Dan doesn’t s*** all over it, convincing her to leave the show again lest she become Blair. She does, with some wise parting words about how Bluck’s love once made them invincible, but now she’s gone until they utterly destroy each other, which will take about a minute. It’s neat, but also just self-righteous enough to earn a hug from big brother. It’s like without Vanessa around, Dan has to Humphrey everything up twice as hard.
Ivanka Trump, her husband, Isaac Mizrahi, many people. Colin does some seriously dreamy s*** that Lily has already f***ed up with her mind games, so Serena walks around dressed like the Phantom Zone and crying for awhile before agreeing to pretend they’re not dating until class is over — because that worked out so well with Tripp, for that four seconds — but then a more horrible twist comes: Colin’s working with and paying Juliet for Whatever It Is. She’s guilty about the Nate part, but scared enough to keep Operation Smile going full-force. So much up that one’s sleeves all the time!
Chuck offers Blair a truce, thanks to Jenny’s little pep talk and the fact that he loves her, and he’s so sorry and he looks super-hot and he’s being all sweet and reasonable and contrite. Initially reticent, Blair eventually believes him and they shake on it, sending sparkles down her spine and presaging hatef***s to come. But while they separately cry, and you’re just about thinking it’s gonna be okay, here comes that song where Rihanna gets off on Eminem beating her ass. The most romantic of songs. (Dominic Monaghan, call me!)
Next week: New York is so relieved Jenny went back into the sewers without taking any infants with her the whole city erupts into a Shortbus-level orgy.
Photo credit: The CW