Oh, it feels good to be back on the Upper East Side, “Gossip Girl” fans.
After a brutally long six week hiatus, our favorite guilty pleasure returned and finally ended the massive speculation on the outcome of Dan and Blair’s first kiss on Monday, Apr. 18, with “The Kids Stay in the Picture.”
Before we get to The Kiss (or lack thereof considering we didn’t actually see it. CHEAT!), let us just state we are barely going to acknowledge the whole Modern Royalty photo shoot storyline in this recap. We weren’t feelin’ it so we don’t feel like writing about it. Deal.
“TKSITP” saw a lot of action: The return of
Spike’s mean vampire mother Anne Lily’s mother CeCe and husband No. 1 William Van Der Woodsen, the introduction of Carol and Charlie, Lily dealing with the fallout of turning herself in, Nate looking pretty and oh yeah, the aftermath of The Kiss.
So let’s get into it. Here are our top 10 moments and quotes from “The Kids Stay in the Picture,” waffles included. BYOS (Bring your own syrup, duh!):
10. Gossip Girl Word Count
In a shocking upset, Nate Archibald beat Vanessa Abrams for the title of GGWC champion. His word total? 60. Also, it seems he took over tray-carrying duties from Rufus.
Nate, Nate, Nate. You know we love you like
Humphreys love waffles and plaid. You do know that, right? Seriously,
it pains us to admit that when you come on-screen these days, we
literally say, “Wait, what’s he up to again?” Basically, he’s up to
nothing besides listening to Raina talk about her
long-lost-to-her-but-dead-according-to-Russell mother while drinking orange juice. Anyone else notice how much O.J. Nate was downing in this episode? Good to know he won’t be getting sick anytime soon.
Hey, at least his hair looks pretty. Who needs storylines when you have the best hair on the show?
Vanessa… look at your life, look at your choices and look in the mirror before you leave the house. That’s all.
9. Eric is a now a Humphrey
He’s only wearing plaid. He only interacts with Dan and Rufus. His tongue has gotten a lot sharper. Yep, It’s official: Eric is now a Humphrey… and we’re loving it. Our favorite Eric moments of the night:
“You are ass-backwards crushing on Blair Waldorf,” Eric tells Dan after he says Blair smells nice.
“Oh, yeah. That sounds totally made up,” Eric again to Dan when he says he’s been asked to pose for the up-and-comers section. We said the same thing at the exact same time.
8. Welcome, UES Newbies
In tonight’s episode, we finally got to meet the grown-up version of Krysten Ritter, or um, Carol Rhodes and we’ve got to say, she’s kind of annoying. (The delivery of the line, “What have you done with my daughter?!,” had us falling off our couch in a raging fit of laughter.) No wonder her 18-year-old daughter Charlie decided to move in with the Van Der Humphreys by the end of the episode after learning mommy dearest has been accepting checks every month from CeCe.
We learn Carol has basically been homeschooling Charlie in the art of Van Der Woodsen-bashing, calling them “toxic” and refusing to let Charlie see them. Charlie basically tells Serena (in a kind of harsh way) everything that’s wrong with her family (and recaps the whole show for us!), which prompts Serena to take her on a shopping spree. Hey, we’re kind of harsh on Serena all the time. Where’s our shopping spree? So. Not. Fair.
7. Heart to heart
Lily: Thank you for being here. We’ve been through so
much together and I’ve let you down so many times. And here you are…
Serena: Don’t start to cry right now. You’ll ruin your
Wow, this scene was seriously adorable and reminded us of Season 1. We love the moments where we see the true connection between Lily and Serena, especially after all they’ve been through this season. Nothing like impending incarceration to bring a family together. We’re really proud of Lily for turning herself in and facing the consequences of her actions. Keep up the good work, Lils. Someday, you’ll be a real parent! Plus, you probably don’t look totally hideous in orange, so glass half-full thoughts only, OK?!
6. What’s up with Charlie?
There’s clearly something up with Charlie, we’re just not sure what. When Charlie tells her mother that she’s moving in with Lily & Co., Carol looks worried and says, “What happened wasn’t so long ago. You’re not ready
for this.” Hm… what did happen?
When Charlie and Serena walk away, Carol tells Lily, “You don’t understand. A few months ago she left college because… just promise me that you’ll make sure someone watches her closely, OK?”
Instead of doing what any sane person would do, you know, like ask what the hell happened, Lily agrees, no questions asked. So, we’re thinking it’s a mental illness. Or maybe she became a little too attached to a former boyfriend. We just got that vibe when Carol closely watched Charlie interact with Dan.
P.S. Dan, there are girls in the city who you aren’t related to. Seriously, dude.
Shameless plug alert! Check out our chat with the lovely Kaylee DeFer here.
5. Interaction o’ the night
Chuck: “Whoever she kissed, seems to have had an effect. Life changing, were the words she used.”
Dan: “Well, a life changing kiss might not be something you want to mess with.”
Chuck: “What are you trying to say, Humphrey?”
Dan: “With you, she was always caught up in schemes and take-downs, but
that’s not really her. She’s intelligent. She’s intuitive, you know.
She weeps when she watches ‘Nights of Cabiria.'”
Chuck: “How do you know that?”
Dan: “Serena told me, but listen. The point is if Blair’s happy maybe you should let her be.”
Chuck: “You care more about Blair’s happiness than I knew. Thank you for your time.”
Wow, Dan’s argument looks like it was literally taken from a “Dair” fan’s Tumblr, Twitter or from Oh No They Didn’t, a.k.a. “Dair” Headquarters. That being said, it’s all true. There is more to Blair than the schemes, lies and backstabbing, which is the side of her Dan saw and fell in like with over the past few weeks.
4. William Van Der Woodsen returns to…
We’re not exactly sure why it was necessary for William (What up, Billy Baldwin?!) to return to the UES, but return he did. Naturally, he and Rufus butted heads and had a (Step)Dad-off. Winner: Rufus. We just couldn’t get past how William was able to return to the UES when the police were after him the last time he was around. Then we couldn’t get passed why we cared so much about reality on “Gossip Girl.”
Anyway, by the end of the episode, everyone was getting along with William… including Rufus who let William use his waffle-maker. Things are totally getting serious between Husband No. 1 and No. 5! Though, next time William comes to town, we’d like to see a little more drama.
Side-note: We’re kind of obsessed with CeCe and William’s interactions. (Yes, we totally saw that kiss on the forehead.) We’re just putting that out there.
3. Quotes o’ the night
CeCe: “Oh, darling. Oh, you look lovely in your mugshot. It was smart of you
to turn yourself in so you could make sure your hair was done.”
Blair: “I think I have consumption.”
Carol: “Lily’s husbands one and… five?”
Lily: “Rufus, we found legwarmers! No, I’m not
2. Chuck chucks up…again
“Someone told me something that made me want my own legacy, not my
father’s. I can’t convince Blair of her place in it until she’s feeling
powerful again,” Chuck tells Epperly when she asks why he wanted her to offer Blair a job.
UGH. Seriously, Chuck, what the chuck? Grow. Up. It’s so patronizing and condescending for Chuck to have someone offer Blair a job so she can “feel” powerful. Blair wants to be powerful and yes, there’s a difference.
After learning Blair shared her life-changing kiss with Dan, what does Chuck do? He decides to try and humiliate Dan in front of Blair. Solid plan, Bass. Little does he know that the kiss was so life changing for Blair because it made her realize she wants to be with Chuck. Oops, Chuck’s intel blunder. She tells Dorota she’s ready to be with him because he “has matured” and is over “games and fatwas.” Clearly, she does not have a “Gossip Girl” season pass.
When she finds out that he tricked Dan into coming to the photo shoot just to embarrass him, the following (amazing) exchange happens. We’ve included the characters’ dialogue and what we assume the fans were saying:
Chuck: “I just wanted you to see that he’s not part of this world. I know you kissed him.” (Chair fans: “Ew, don’t remind us they kissed.”)
Blair: “So? You and I are not dating. And you kissed a lot of people.” (Blair fans: “Finally, a character on the show acknowledges how fast Chuck has moved on… twice!”)
Chuck: “You’re not supposed to kiss him. He’s Hum Drum-Humphrey. Epperly told me it was life changing.” (Chair fans: “Please. Stop. Digging. Yourself. Deeper. Bass.”)
Blair: “Because it made me realize I wanted to be with you! (Chair fans: “Yay! Suck it, Dair shippers! We love you again, @joshschwartz76!”) Dan and I both know it meant nothing. Less than nothing. Right?” (Dair fans: “This. Show. Would.”)
Dan: Yeah, that’s right. (Dair: “No! Tell her you think she smells nice and fight for her! We knew we shouldn’t have gotten our hopes up. Stupid, misleading promos!”)
Blair: “I was going to tell you all about it tonight, but that would have been a huge mistake. Dan Humphrey may not be royalty but at least he’s not a child.” (Chair fans: “We hate you again, @joshschwartz76! We’re taking back your timeline! #savechuckandblair forever!”)
Later, Chuck and Blair talk about their relationship in front of one of Princess Diana’s dresses (No, we’re not kidding). Chuck tells her, “You
don’t have to be powerful on your own first. We can build our futures together.” Blair sadly responds that she figured that out on her own but now realizes Chuck’s the one who isn’t ready. “Who was I
kidding? You have years before you’re capable of a real relationship… if you
ever will be.” Ouch.
We can’t say we’re surprised that Chuck messed this one up. It just once again proves that Chuck needs to make some serious changes before Blair will ever consider getting back with him.
1. Dan Humphrey is ass-backwards crushing on Blair Waldorf
Passing time by alphabetizing his (many) books. Checking his phone for new messages. Passing up a chance to save Serena.
This can only mean one thing, “GG” fans: Dan Humphrey’s got it bad for Blair Waldorf. During his heart-to-heart with Eric
Now-A-Humphrey, Dan lets us know what happened after the kiss we didn’t get to see (We repeat: Cheat!): Blair didn’t say anything, left him standing in her foyer and hasn’t returned his calls. Dan says the kiss was a good-weird.
When Eric asks if he likes Blair, he says, “What? No, no, no. I don’t like her. No, of course not. Not at all. I’m just curious. And you know, she does smell nice.” Can we just discuss for a minute how charming and charismatic Penn Badgley has been in recent episodes? (His delivery of the line “I’m here to get my photo taken!” was ACE.)
“I just wanted to make sure you knew that that kiss meant nothing to me, like it did to you,” Dan tells Blair instead of admitting that he thinks she smells nice. We think we detected a hint of disappointment when Blair replied, “Oh, right,” but we think we just wanted her to be a tad disappointed. The build-up for Dan and Blair over the past six episodes has been too strong for it just to disappear. This sort-of-but-not-really-a-love triangle that is Dan, Blair and Chuck has reinvigorated the show and we’d really like to see it continue.
We can tell you there is more Dan and Blair goodness in next week’s episode and that Dan’s crush on Blair doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. After that though? We’re not sure but we’re thinking Dan might bow out of the fight for Blair’s heart. For now. He is up against an actual prince. Oh, hi Prince Louis stepping out of a limo with Blair’s high heel at the end of the episode!
So what did you think of “The Kids Stay in the Picture,” Zappers? Were you OK with the outcome of Dan and Blair’s kiss? Did you find Chuck as obnoxious as we did with the whole Epperly situation? Can you tell us why William Van Der Woodsen was able to return to the UES without being arrested? The mind reels…