Follow along with us here for the 55th annual Grammy Awards. We’ll be live-blogging all the awards and performances — and keeping our eyes peeled for people breaking the rules of the new dress code. Nip slip! Nip slip!
Check back here at 8 p.m. ET/PT for the whole three-and-a-half hour extravaganza. All times Eastern.
7:43 — Katy Perry (right) walks the red carpet in a seafoam green dress that shows off some major boobage. She says it was inspired by Priscilla Presley in the ’70s. We say it looks as if Elvira, Mistress of the Dark was tapped as a bridesmaid. One person was definitely impressed was Ellen.
7:47 — Rihanna looks stunning in a fire engine-red dress. But her nipples could do with a little bit more padding. Put those things away, lady.
8:01 — Are we having a bad dream? Why was a creepy clown riding in on a creepy bicycle? This is Taylor Swift?! WTF. This is like Alice in Wonderland nightmare fuel, y’all.
8:04 — OK, so we get the appeal to young girls of Taylor Swift’s songs and stuff, but seriously — girlfriend is not a great live singer. This is kind of rough.
8:08 — Maybe we’ll get to something interesting when LL Cool J stops blathering on about dreams and Grammys and his grandma. Zzzzzzzz. Nobody cares, NCIS.
8:10 — Finally. It’s Ed Sheeran and Sir Elton John on “A Team.” They sound great together, though we still prefer Sir Elton and Gaga.
8:14 — Did that Pepsi commercial just tell us to “get out your twang and show us how you use it”? Dirty. Keep your twang to yourself.
8:20 — Jennifer Lopez and Pit Bull are on hand to give out the award for Best Pop Solo Performance. The Grammy goes to Adele for “Set Fire to the Rain.” No big upset there, she’s got more Grammys than she knows what to do with. We do appreciate her short ‘n sweet acceptance speech.
8:22 — Neil Patrick Harris intros fun. by quoting “legendary gangster rap icon Katherine Hepburn once said.” Heh. NPH should host all the shows. NPH and Amy Poehler and Tina Fey.
8:25 — This fun. performance wasn’t really living up to its namesake until the rain started. The downpour was definitely fun. Gene Kelly, eat your heart out.
8:33 — Dierks Bentley and Miranda Lambert are performing a duet. We wish Lambert still had on her red carpet dress, it was much more flattering on her. Also, this performance is pretty boring. So far, none of the performances have really made our socks roll up and down, ya know?
8:40 — That was the Dick Clark tribute? That’s it? A clip of LL Cool J on “Bandstand” and a shout-out? First off, how not-about-Dick-Clark was it that LL Cool J was in the clip. Secondly, the man was one of the most influential music personalities of the last century. Surely he deserves more than a passing mention.
8:43 — We were so incensed by the Dick Clark thing that we completely missed who is performing now, but their fugly Magic Eye suits are giving us a headache. Who is this? Oh, Wiz Khalifa and Miguel. Okey dokey.
8:44 — Carrie Underwood wins Best Country Solo Performance for “Blown Away.” We love Carrie Underwood and we are not ashamed. Still think back lovingly on her “Idol” season. “Alone,” baby.
8:45 — So this is happening right now. *purses lips*
8:51 — Faith Hill and Tim McGraw present Song of the Year to “We Are Young” by .fun featuring Janelle Monae. Hey, it’s Lena Dunham. We forgot she dates Jack Antonoff, the lead guitarist of the band. Also, that’s not our favorite dress for you, but we love you, Lena!
8:53 — Johnny Depp is there dressed as Steven Tyler. He introduces Mumford & Sons and doesn’t pimp “The Lone Ranger.” Probably because it looks like a complete hunk of crap. Seriously, does Gore Verbinski have pictures of a naked Depp doing unspeakable acts? That’s the only explanation.
8:58 — Have you heard about this Grammy dress code? Not everybody decided to toe the line.
9:03 – Beyonce and Ellen DeGeneres are introducing Justin Timberlake. *squeeeeeee*
9:05 — Suddenly we are all transported back to 1944. JT is the swingingest hep cat around, doll-faces. His threads are killer-diller and this joint is really jumpin’ now.
9:11 — Kelly Rowlan
d and Nas are on hand to award Best Urban Contemporary Album to Frank Ocean, one of the first openly-gay hip-hop artists.
9:19 — Dave Grohl and Pauley Perrette award Best Rock Performance to The Black Keys for “Lonely Boy.”
9:22 — Time for a mash-up of “Girl on Fire” and “Daylight” from Alicia Keys and Maroon 5. We’ve always thought Adam Levine has such a interesting voice. And Alicia rocks — especially on the drums! What up, girl.
9:27 — Kaley Cuoco and Keith Urban award Best Pop Vocal Album to “Stronger” from Kelly Clarkson, who adorably runs around hugging people before she goes up to accept her award. She manages to get her dress stuck to Miranda Lambert’s sequined number, which is hilarious. That is definitely a song — “Stuck on Miranda.”
9:36 — Now we have Rihanna performing “Stay” alongside Mikky Echo. At least she’s changed out of the nipple dress (at right), though this performance is kind of putting us to sleep. It’s a nice song, but the Grammys are a really long show and we’re not even halfway done at this point.
9:40 — Carly Rae Jepsen and Ne-Yo award Best Rap/Sung Collaboration to “No Church in the Wild,” Jay-Z, Kanye West, Frank Ocean and The-Dream. Kanye’s not there, he’s busy imitating Jesus in Rio with Kim Kardashian.
9:50 — “2 Broke Girls” star Kat Dennings introduces The Black Keys, who are performing with Night Tripper Dr. John and the Preservation Hall Jazz Band in a kind of crazy cacophony of sounds, which we say as a compliment and not a pejorative. Be warned, though, the background graphics may cause seizures.
9:55 — Now Kelly Clarkson is doing a tribute to Carole King and Patti Page by performing “The Tennesse Waltz” and “Natural Woman.” So gorgeous. Remember when she did “Natural Woman” on “Idol” way back when? We heart you, KC.
9:58 — Clarkson presents the Best Country Album award to Zac Brown Band for “Uncaged.” Very deserving, ZBB’s third major album is excellent.
10:06 — Time for the Bob Marley tribute from Sting, Bruno Mars, Rihanna and Marley’s sons. Awesome. We have to confess, we love Bruno Mars’ big band sound. The horns and the beats are a lot of fun.
10:15 — The whole tribute was a lot of fun, definitely a highlight of the night. We don’t have much to say because we were just immensely enjoying ourselves while watching it.
10:20 — The Lumineers are performing a song that talks a lot about sleeping, which is probably not the best call for the 2 hour 20 minute-mark of a 3.5 hour awards show.
10:22 — The Lumineers were intro’d by LL Cool J as an intro to Jack White. This is getting too meta for us. Probably Jack White will introduce LL Cool J and the show will trap us in a time loop.
10:25 — We know it makes us roughly 107 years old, but this Jack White performance is hurting our ears. As the great Huey Lewis once said, “Sorry fellas, I’m afraid you’re just too darn loud.”
10:27 — Katy Perry presents Best New Artist to fun. So first a Taco Bell commercial and now a Grammy? They’ve definitely made it, though we aren’t sure they qualify as a “new” artist.
10:35 — Now we’ve got “Blown Away” by Carrie Underwood. She definitely has a helluva voice. We like the medley with “Two Black Cadillacs.”
10:37 — All of a sudden the performance gets super awesome when
they start projecting crazy graphics onto her shiny silver dress. How
amazing was that?
10:41 — But next we have Prince, who is 1000 pounds of awesome in a tiny little body. He’s got a cane and everything. He’s so cool. He awards Record of the Year to Gotye for “Somebody That I Used to Know.” Excellent choice.
10:49 — An awesome tribute to Dave Brubeck and his famous jazz tune “Take Five.” One of our all-time favorite jazz numbers, it’s so smooth and sexy and smoky and lots of other jazzy words.
10:54 — In Memorium montage. The medley of tunes is nice, but we kind of wish they’d just played Andy Williams singing “Moon River.” Such a beautiful song.
10:57 — Elton John, Zac Brown, Mumford & Sons, T. Bone Burnett and Mavis Staples perform “The Weight” and dedicate it to the Sandy Hook kids, “whose songs ended too soon.” *sniffle*
11:09 — Qantas honors Elton John with “Your Song” and it’s … hmm. We don’t like this version. Not the Spanish, that’s fine, but the changes in rhythm and stuff. “Moulin Rouge” kind of spoiled anybody else doing this song for us (except Sir Elton, of course).
11:12 — That Qantas thing was just a way to intro Frank Ocean on his “Forrest Gump” song, which weirdly features a video screen for his legs. This is not as cool as Carrie Underwood’s dress thing.
11:14 — Don’t forget: Tonight “Downton Abbey” aired its penultimate Season 3 episode and “The Walking Dead” came back for the back half of its third season.
11:16 — Adele awards Album of the Year to Mumford & Sons for “Babel.” We’re big fans of those fellas, glad to see them win. Also, surely Album of the Year means this marathon awards show is almost over, right?
11:25 — LL Cool J is rapping us out with Chuck D, Tom Morello, DJ Z-Trip and Travis Barker. We suppose this should excite us, but honestly — LL Cool J is a CBS drama star. This would be like if Mark Harmon or Jorja Fox sang us out. This would be so much cooler if he was performing “My Hat is Like a Shark’s Fin.”
Peace out. Thanks for joining us tonight for the 2013 Grammy Awards.