“My bed is my bed and I peed in it last year, so who would want to sleep in that bed?” — Snooki
And we thought scripted television was dead.
Anyone who tuned in for “Jersey Shore’s” season 5 premiere knows that is so not the case. What with all the manufactured drama and probably prompted one-liners and non-stop cast-member tweeting during the broadcast, it was hard to get a spontaneous moment in edgewise.
Still, there must be something magical about Seaside Heights, N.J., because — dang it — we were totally sucked back in to the drama, manufactured or not. Honestly, how can a die-hard “Jersey Shore” fan resist the siren call of GTL, Ron Ron Juice, the duck phone and all the familiar kitsch that made this alternate reality so addictive in the first place?
The action was predictable: There was GTL (gym, tan, laundry). Snooki drank pickle juice. The crew checked in at the Shore Shop where they’ll be “working” again for another season. Grenades were dropped.
Same with the action: In a carry-over from season 4, the Situation is still trying to expose Snooki for hooking up with him at some point in the blurry past while she’s busy trying to keep her boyfriend, Gionni, from finding out. And, honestly, we’re with Snooki here — Mike needs to move on; that story line is played out. Even the addition of The Unit (are all of the Situation’s BFF’s named “The [insert Madlib here]?”) — who supposedly witnessed Snooki and Mike’s hook-up — didn’t do much to dial up the drama. We like Mike better when he’s creeping on girls and looking at himself in the mirror.
In fact, there was a great scene in the premiere when Mike and The Unit come home from the club and change into their post-party clothes — stripping down in front of each other and spritzing themselves with body spray.
“This is how the Situation treats girls he’s trying to smoosh,” says Sammi. “Is he trying to smoosh the Unit?”
We wondered the same thing.
Meanwhile, Vinny misses his family and he wants to go home. He spends most of the first episode mooning around the house and we know it’s serious because he’s wearing his glasses. He does try to lift himself out of his funk by going out on the town, but alas, finds himself surrounded by grenades. We already know — thanks to Snooki’s “Tonight Show” appearance — that Vinny will be exiting stage left sometime before the season ends. But will he, like Angelina Pivarnick (aka “The Staten Island Ferry”), stay gone or keep coming back, like Sammi or an STD?
Most of the cast was busy tweeting while the episode aired. One surreal moment: While the “Devil Inside” “Jersey Shore” tie-in ad was running on MTV, J-WOWW tweeted “Omfg! I wanna see the devil inside ahhhhhhhhh.”
Ahhhhh! We can’t wait until next week.
Did you watch? If so, share your thoughts below.