One month after the regrettable end of award season, we get one glorious hour-and-a-half return of the arbitrary kudo. OMG, it’s the Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards 2011!
So whether you’re a kid, a curious adult in need of a recap or, like us, someone over the age of 17 watching electively and feeling like a total creep for it, here are some musings on the highlights and lowlights of the whole squee-filled, slime-covered, seizure-inducing thing:
- We respect a good Monster Truck joke as much as the next guy, but did host Jack Black really need to open the show by destroying two perfectly good limousines? Let’s teach the children well… At least he sang. Are we insane for thinking his mass-choreographed “I Got a Feeling” wasn’t totally lame?
- The Black Eyed Peas did show him up, though. And their performance certainly eclipsed their awkward turn at the Super Bowl. We just wish we knew where to buy those light up blazers.
- Seeing Steven Tyler next to Miranda Cosgrove had us awfully nervous, but he was a total gentlemen. Best!
- Johnny Depp never fails to surprise us by being such a class act. Does he need to be at the KCAs? Hell no. Is he? Sure, why not. He did cover the front row with slime awfully early in the broadcast, which brings us to the certain highlight of the night…
- The face Jason Segel makes seeing other people get slimed is priceless — and a lot like our own throughout the entire broadcast.
- As for things we don’t like: We obviously respect creativity, whenever possible, but is it seeing winners revealed by over-muscled extras with helium voice? Just off-putting.
- Only Russell Brand can get away with saying he wished Johnny Depp had drowned the children in slime and they should all go to jail.
- Snoop Dogg is collaborating with “Big Time Rush?” Rebecca Black cannot be far behind. Though god bless him for throwing out a “west side” while getting slimed.
- The armpit fart montage went on just a little too long, but apparently it’s leading towards some sort of humanitarian award, so we’re not going to complain.
- Britney Spears has a cute little aside with Jack Black. Too bad it’s totally pre-taped. The Kids Choice Awards sits on a throne of lies!
- Selena Gomez looks adorable, per usual, when she accepts her best actress in a TV show (we think) award. We’re glad none of the kids in the slime pit soiled her white shorts or we would have joined Russell Brand in wishing for their death.
- OK. It’s been an hour. Stop looking surprised when people gets slimed, audience.
- Clearly the performance highlight of the night, Willow Smith arrives suspended from air — overcoming our two biggest childhood fears: heights and speaking in public. She is the future. And we’re totally content with that.
- Jason Segel drops his skeptical face long enough to present an award and get slimed himself. And standing next to “Glee” star Jane Lynch, we can’t help but feel that he and Cory Monteith are secret celebrity brothers.
- It’s an Olympic off-year. What’s Shawn White doing here?
- We hope the sorrow Miley Cyrus must be feeling over her loss in the TV category is eclipsed by the joy of winning Choice Movie Actress. She thanks the audience for not sliming her Dolce & Gabana dress. (We got a press release about it. We know.)
- How did the truck from the beginning of the show get from LA to the middle of the dessert in an hour? The plot holes in this award show are unforgivable.
- Justin Timberlake, prince among men, could not be more deft at packaging humor and sincerity for children. We commend him on his Big Help award, his charming acceptance speech and for making us feel a little less detached from this whole ordeal.
- You know what’s worse than two Kardashians? Two Kardashians and a mime! Enjoy those nightmares for the next three weeks.
- And we feel young again! No matter how bizarre watching the Kids Choice Awards has been for us, we’re still not anywhere near as out of touch with today’s youth as Jimmy Carrey is — which he proves once again with his awkward closing of the show.