Ricky Gervais may not be hosting the Academy Awards — or anything else… ever again — but that doesn’t stop him from offering some suggested dialogue for James Franco and Anne Hathaway.
“I know how nervous they must be right now,” he writes on his blog just a few days shy of the Feb. 27 show. “They will do an absolutely fantastic job and don’t need my help, but I’ve written a little opening in case they have a few minutes to fill.”
In case you have a few minutes to fill, here’s the first few lines of his slightly NSFW opener:
Ladies and Gentlemen.
Please welcome your hosts for this evening…
James Franco and Anne Hathaway
(Music and applause)
(James and Anne walk out looking absolutely perfect)
Hello and welcome to The 83rd Academy Awards, Live from Los Angeles.
That’s foreign for City of Angels. And this room is certainly filled will those angels.
Thank you. I’m James Franco.
…and I’m Anne Hathaway.
You probably know me from 127 Hours where I play a man trapped in an enclosed space who decides he would rather cut his own arm off than stay where he was. Now that sounds “way out” but wait till half way through this f***ing ceremony and you’ll start to identify with him.
And I’m the new Catwoman. The first white woman to play that role since Michelle Pfeiffer. I want it to be an inspiration to all white people everywhere. Your dreams can come true in Hollywood too.
It’s a daunting task hosting The Oscars but we’re not alone. Presenting awards tonight will be a string of Hollywood legends and some other actors who have a film out in March or April.
Usually they hire comedians to host The Oscars, but tonight, instead, you get us!
No comedians tonight. And do you know why? Because comics are ugly.