But that’s what you wanted, isn’t it, America — some drama chilled to 32 degrees Fahrenheit?*
We barely even know how to write about this show anymore, it’s gone so far off the tracks, but we’re obviously still willing to try. So let’s just plow through this sucker, chronological-like:
The Brandon Mychal Smith situation
After bailing on last week’s episode with some undiagnosed illness that resulted in pixelated vomit, Smith was a no-go for a second week in a row, gracefully bowing out of the competition. He must feel awful, though, because he couldn’t even stand up during the announcement — not to mention the fact that “SWTS” is certainly a better platform for him than the recently Sonny-less “Sonny With a Chance.”
He took off immediately after the show, but his sweet and patient partner Keauna McLaughlin filled us in on why him staying just wasn’t in the cards. “We took three days off and we tried to practice, but we kept having to stop,” she says. “He kept getting dizzy, he lost a lot of weight, he looked pale — I don’t know if that’s possible, but he looked pale. He was getting weaker by the minute, and he wasn’t getting any better, so I kind of came to accept that this might not happen. I can’t force him to do something he doesn’t want to do.”
McLaughlin expects to be back next week for some sort of group number.
Bethenny Frankel and Ethan Burgess (38 out of 60)
Still raking in such meager scores one week away from the finale, it’s clearly that Frankel is skating by (PUN!) on her fan base — not that we mind. Frankel clearly wins in the personality department, so its hard to not take judge Johnny Weir’s excessively catty criticism seriously. Keep on truckin’, Bethenny.
Jonny Moseley and Brooke Castile (54)
Though we would never want to be party to their rehearsals, at least they get all of the blood and spills out of the way before they get out in front of a live audience. Moseley solidified his standing as the most intimidating competitor in week 4, with the night’s highest scores and some mighty fine lifts.
Rebecca Budig and Fred Palascak (53)
Watch your back, Budig. You may look like a natural on those skates, but the judges are increasingly keen on Mr. Moseley. She’s got the skills, but the judges seem to be asking for a bit more personality… and something to do with her butt.
So, with one episode left, who do you think is going to take home the magical… ice trophy? Are you even watching? Be honest.
*An original version of this article improperly addressed water’s freezing point as 32 degrees Celsius, when we clearly intended to write Fahrenheit. Celsius, while fancy and British, is quite hot.