It’s an age old story: Girl loses scholarship, girl becomes surrogate for money, insane former congresswoman mother-in-law of woman girl is carrying baby for kidnaps girl after son and daughter-in-law are killed in arranged accident.
Or, at least, that’s the nonsense Lifetime was peddling during their latest woman-in-peril original films, “Sorority Surrogate,” on Saturday (March 22). The movie, starring “Degrassi: The Next Generation” alum Cassie Steele (Manny Santos 4EVA!) as the aforementioned “girl” Valerie, was predictably out of its mind. What follows are the 11 craziest moments.
1. Valerie loses her scholarship because her drunk of a father decides to list her as a dependent on his taxes and she’s just like, “Oh well, I guess I’ll quit school and not do anything about this.”
2. This sentence, uttered by Valerie, about the rich girls at her university: “Jackie’s taking calculus just to count her trust fund!”
3. Valerie’s boyfriend Kyle with that one dumb giant diamond earring act like donating eggs or being a surrogate is unethical. Is this movie anti-surrogacy propaganda?
4. When crazy grandma Maureen tells her fixer/husband that she wants her daughter-in-law gone, he just hires someone to install software in the car, watch for her to drive down a street through a random park’s stationary binoculars (what?!) and hack in and drive it into another car, as you do.
5. Val’s friend Su is always present during all contract negotiations. I know Val is poor, but her sorority sister is the only legal counsel she thought to seek out? She deserves everything that happens to her because of that dumb move.
6. How was Maureen a congresswoman? She’s certifiably insane. She has Charlie plant cocaine in Bob and Stacie’s house and car so they get arrested and can’t take her grandchild, then shows up at Val’s sorority house and has bedbugs planted (?!) so she can move Val into her house, take her cell phone (to keep radiation away from the baby, duh), and makes her live on vegetable stew. Again, we’re to believe this woman was an elected official and not something straight from a V.C. Andrews novel.
7. Kyle dumps Val because she puts the baby first. I repeat, because she puts the baby first. You know, that living being growing inside her. It’s not like she’s ignoring him for Candy Crush. Geez.
8. After Val hears Charlie and Warren arguing over money for the murders, she finds proof in Charlie’s office and then is handcuffed to a bed for her troubles.
9. Val gets out of her cuff using a fork as a lock pick, a full week after she’s been cuffed to the bed apparently. Was this the first day she got a fork?
10. When Val gets out and Charlie catches her, he pulls a gun and she threatens to stab him in the neck with her screwdriver. She doesn’t, however. The person I was watching with had this to say about that: “She could’ve just ended this movie and she didn’t.”
11. During the happy ending six months later (Hey, Bob and Stacie! Glad you got out of jail!), Val’s dad is sober and she’s not mad at all that essentially he caused this whole nightmare for her. She’s a more forgiving soul than I. I’m a little peeved at her dad and all he did to me was make this movie happen.
What did you think of “Sorority Surrogate”?