If we’ve heard it once, we’ve heard it a million times: location, location, location. So when your real estate agent suggests you consider something a little more in your price range then shows you swampland, hug and kiss him or her, because you might just end up on Swamp People, airing Sundays on History. OK, so it may not be as interesting as being on Real Housewives of Wherever or as glamorous as renting from a Kardashian, but living in the swamp offers something neither of those offer: reasonably priced alligator accessories. So if you like direct-from-the-source luxury baggage, call your friends because we’re throwing a Swamp People party!
Setting the scene:
Living in the swamp doesn’t mean you have to live in a shack with mud floors and a banjo by the door – no, Troy, Mike and Bruce (the love child of David Crosby and Gallagher) live just like us, with DirecTV, Game Boys and boats filled with dead alligators. So we’ll need to embrace the bayou way of life with weathered-wood (no paint) boxes, fishnets, buoys, fishing weights, cypress driftwood, Spanish moss covering everything, a nice flat-bottom boat, hip waders hanging on the wall, some fake alligators, stuffed alligator heads, fishing gear and hunting gear. Have the sounds of tree frogs and birdcalls playing on the surround-sound system. Over the front door have a sign reading “Welcome to the Atchafalaya Swamp!” and have an airboat sitting on the front lawn. Invitations should be on alligator-print stationery, while party favors should include copies of Swamp Thing and inflatable alligators.
On the menu:
Crawfish, frog legs, gumbo and fresh-off-the-barbecue alligator!
On the hi-fi:
Jambalaya (On the Bayou) by Hank Williams, Born on the Bayou by Creedence Clearwater Revival, Swamp Music by Lynyrd Skynyrd, Crocodile Rock by Elton John and Blue Bayou by Roy Orbison.
Hunting alligators helps keep the gator population manageable and helps support families in the swamp. It also helps the rest of us enjoy fine alligator accessories such as Bottega Veneta’s fine alligator-skinned luggage available in a set for a mere $157,000. While that may sound excessive, it beats pulling your toiletries out of the stomach of a living gator. That would really cost an arm and a leg.