Time for “The Bachelor,” you guys! Happy New Year to us, right?
Juan Pablo‘s opening montage lasts approximately five seconds before he’s shirtless, but at least he’s not soaping up in the shower like Sean Lowe. Remember that? It was weird.
There’s some pretty sexy footage of JP playing soccer, which he did professionally for seven years. But it all gets cuter when there’s footage of him goofing around with his daughter Camila, who is named Camila Valentina because she was born on Valentine’s Day. She’s so cute you could eat her right up.
Plus, Camila and Juan Pablo’s parents are going to live in Los Angeles with him while the first few weeks of the “Bachelor” tape, which is terrific. He keeps calling her “my chiquituri,” and are they the most adorable parent/child pair to appear on this show? Very possibly.
Speaking of Sean, guess who’s there to help Juan Pablo out with some advice? Lowe basically tells JP that he has no idea what he is in for, then advises JP to be upfront with how bad he is at names and apologize in advance before he offends anyone.
Juan Pablo also asks Sean how many women he kissed while filming his season and Sean hilariously goes, “A lot,” and advises JP to not ever do it in front of the other girls because they’ll get mad. Hee.
Sean is also really honest about how you get back from “The Bachelor” and it’s the real world, citing an example of his dogs getting sprayed by a skunk at 2 a.m. and having to hose them down, which is when he really knew Catherine was the one. He says you have to find a girl who can go back to the real world with you.
Shower, everybody drink!
15 minutes in we get Juan Pablo soaping up in the shower (Sean has left, though we’d imagine not many viewers would complain if Sean were still there, honestly).
Hi, Chris Harrison. Missed you! Highlights from the video packages include:
- Chelsie the science teacher from Ohio plays hide and seek with us in a sunflower patch because she’s Midwestern and quaint, you see.
- Renee is into Xtreme sports — look at her paddle board and roller blade, she’s crazy! — but is also a single mom to an 8-year-old boy named Ben, who is very cute.
- Amy J. is a massage therapist and says, “I want a man who wants to be rubbed by me” … that line had to be fed to her, right? She wouldn’t just say that, would she? But then she pretends to feed a bite of food to an invisible Juan Pablo, making the airplane sound like he’s a stubborn toddler, and you have to wonder about her. She also kind of has the crazy eyes (pictured above) — it’s not just us, right?
is a federal prosecutor, which is great, but the “footage” of her in
court looks like the start to a courtroom-themed adult movie. “All Rise”
is our suggested title.
- Pediatric nurse Nikki is shown working with a chubby baby and a toddler with Down Syndrome, so we’re going out on a limb and saying Nikki goes far this season because she’s very pretty (in a natural way) and the show really wants us to like her.
- Lauren H. was engaged to a man and then six weeks later she got a call at work and … he dumped her. Wow, the way they were editing that, I was sure she was going to say he died. Not that what happened to her doesn’t suck, but it sounded way more serious than what it turned out to be.
- Farm girl Valerie is competitive, a “pretty girl” (her words) and not afraid to file down her nails and scratch some eyes out (also her words), so have we found the Tierra of the season?
- Lacy comes from a family of 13 where nine of her siblings have special needs, plus as her occupation, she runs an elderly care facility. Wow. In all seriousness, that’s terrific, good for her. Those things take really special people to do. Also, she reminds us strongly of Tenley Molzahn, do you suppose cartoon birds braided her hair this morning?
- Clare‘s sad story is that her dad died of brain cancer fairly recently but not before taping a DVD for her future husband. She’s never watched it but she’s saving it for that special guy. So, Clare is tailor-made for this show, provided she can get to the end.
The Meet ‘n Greet
Time for the girls to step out of the limos and wow (or scare) Juan Pablo. We can’t wait to find out what’s up with the “pregnant” girl. Highlights here include:
- We start with the most awkward first impression ever when Cassandra says almost nothing and just stands there with a vacant smile on her face. High-five to the sound editors for the crickets.
- Nikki brings a stethoscope so JP can listen to how nervous she is, which is cute. As she walks away, he bites his knuckles and says, “No more limos.” Agreed — Team Nikki!
- Victoria (pictured, right) is probably a really nice girl, and she’s from Brazil, which is cool, but we hate her dress. Fugly color and pattern.
- But Victoria has got nothing on Lucy, who shows up dressed like a hippie on her wedding day at the commune.
is a dancer who claims she doesn’t know how to salsa and wants Juan
Pablo to show her. Hmph. You’re a dancer who doesn’t know how to salsa?
- Then Lauren S. rides up to the mansion on a piano-bike. She’s a good pianist, but what a weird schtick. Are piano-bikes a thing? How bizarre(ly adorable).
- Chelsie makes an attempt at a chemistry joke (remember, she’s the science educator) and it’s terrible, but her goofy charm kind of salvages the intro.
- Valerie (the claw-sharpening “pretty girl”) shows up in her stomp-the-other-girls boots (our words this time).
- There are two grade-school teachers in a row, Elise and Ashley. *whispers* Ashley speaks very softly, it is kind of hard to hear her.
- Finally we get pregnancy girl, Clare. It’s a joke, of course. She’s the girl with the dead dad DVD, though after her stupid pregnancy gag, we would think she wouldn’t get far enough that JP would see said DVD. He seems to think it’s cute, though.
- Alli shows up in soccer shoes with a ball, she says she can keep up with the boys. Ooh, I hope she’s not just bragging and that she actually shows him some moves at some point, that’d be fun.
- Amy J., the massage therapist who wants guys to like it when she rubs them, speaks Spanish and says she’s there because Juan Pablo is the “Bachelor” — in a slightly “Fatal Attraction” way.
- Maggie and her lovely, molasses-y Southern accent give Juan Pablo a fishing hook because she likes to fish and hopes he’s the big catch she’s been looking for. Aww. That’s cute.
- Kelly lists her actual job as “dog lover” and brings her dog Molly to meet JP. We can’t wait to find out how you can be a professional dog lover.
- Sharleen (pictured here, below) makes a great impression in a very pretty pinkish-gray dress — it’s stylish and unusual compared to what more bachelorettes usually have on. JP is also impressed by the fact that she’s a professional opera singer and we’ll confess that she seems on a whole different level than a lot of the girls. Just … very sophisticated and also confident while at the same time unsure of what she’s doing there, which is a potent combination.
- Andi is the last girl and Juan Pablo is quite excited about how she looks. He actually gets a little flustered. Hee hee.
The Cocktail Party
Inside, the women are freaking out about how cute JP is and, yeah, that’s fair. He’s maybe the best-looking “Bachelor” ever. He also hilariously talking-heads that he feels like “meat” and the women want to eat him right there. That’s … not inaccurate, Juan Pablo.
A dance party breaks out, then they have a photobooth set up for the girls, which is really fun. Hopefully ABC puts those pictures online.
Nikki gets the first one-on-one time (yes, frontrunner!) and they joke about going to Kansas City together right then and there. Woo woo, adorable.
Juan Pablo remembers Renee‘s son’s name, which is impressive, and they bond over having kids. Then “free spirit” Lucy makes Juan Pablo nervous, talking about how she’s a real hippie, a “drifter,” and that she doesn’t need to wear shoes. If you’re looking for some more info on Lucy the hippie, check this out (minor spoilers).
During her alone time, Amy (crazy-eyed massage therapist) actually gives JP a massage out on the patio and we’re very concerned that she rubbed essential oils on her hands and then started rubbing his suit. That’s going to ruin his suit, what are you doing, crazy lady? Juan Pablo calls the massage “awkward.” That’s putting it nicely.
Meanwhile, Elise says it’s love at first sight with Juan Pablo and that her dead mom is there guiding her to Juan Pablo. Oof, that is a set-up for someone who is not getting a rose if ever there was one. Think of the tears in the exit interview.
Lauren S. has a little breakdown at the party, so afraid about not getting one-on-one time with Juan Pablo and crying about her broken engagement. Grade-school whisperer Ashley comforts Lauren and we realize that Ashley is totally gonna be the mom of the house.
When Lauren S. finally gets her alone time with JP, she gets really honest about how off her game she is in this situation and how insecure she feels. She then tells him about her broken engagement — apparently she and her fiance were living together when he broke it off and she never saw his son again after the phone call when he called off the wedding. Ouch. OK, fair enough. That would be really hard.
There is then a quick montage of various girls getting their one-on-one time and … did Lacy have a puzzle made out of a picture of Juan Pablo and his daughter? Where did she get that picture? From the internet? Um, creepy (pictured, left).
Yes, JP became kind of a public figure once he was announced as the next “Bachelor,” but c’mon. Don’t find a picture of him and his kid on social media and have a puzzle made out of it. That’s weird.
Andi gets her alone time and she says she doesn’t like to read much, which we would imagine made law school pretty tough. How good of a prosecutor is she, do you suppose?
When it comes down to the first-impression rose, we are pleasantly surprised to see that Sharleen gets it (thought Andi was a shoo-in), but Juan Pablo clearly sees that something special that we saw in her right from the jump.
Interestingly, Sharleen is actually hesitant in her acceptance of the rose, which is especially funny because so many women would easily stab Sharleen with a wine glass shard to steal the first-impression rose from her.
Sharleen tells Juan Pablo that she doesn’t really feel a connection with him yet, so she’s not sure she can take the first-impression rose. Of course, this just makes him want her more. Nothing like being the one hard-to-get girl in a sea of desperation. It also seems genuine and not like a ploy, like she’s playing hard-to-get as a game. In the end, she accepts the first-impression rose with a “Sure.” Heh.
We’re quite intrigued by this development. Sharleen seems like a rare bird for “The Bachelor” and we hope to see a lot more of her.
The only girl we’re fairly sure is not getting a rose is Kylie, the intense redhead in the pink gown. Everyone else kind of seems like fair game.
The roses go to Sharleen (alread
y had one), Clare of the dead dad DVD, Nikki (fave! Team Nikki!), Renee (Xtreme sports grrl), prosecutor Andi, Alli the soccer player, Chantel, who we barely saw, Lauren S. of the piano-bike, Kelly the professional “dog lover,” Cassandra of the blank-stare introduction and *crickets*, Danielle, who we also barely saw, science educator Chelsie, Kat the dancer, whose name gets called and crazy Kylie thinks he said “Kylie” and she comes forward and it’s amazingly awkward, OMG.
Back to the roses — Brazilian Victoria, Christine (another we barely saw), hippie Lucy, grade-school teacher Elise and Amy L. (yet another we barely saw) are the last roses. Guess Lacy’s creepy puzzle did not do the trick.
That leaves Alexis, Amy J., Ashley, Christy, Kylie, Lacy, Lauren H., Maggie and Valerie going home, with Amy J. having a delightfully crazy exit speech on her way out: “My heart capacity is ready to devote myself to a man to build a family. I desperately want to find that person.”
This season on “The Bachelor”: Plane, waterfall, bungee jumping, plane, horses, fireworks, dancing, rump-spanking, Camila, champagne, snow, mountains, kissing, rappelling, Thailand, bikinis, hugging, kissing, kissing, kissing, waterfall, kissing, dancing, kissing, dancing, yachts, more horses, kissing, kissing, kissing and then — DRAMA.
Some girl appears to be fighting with Nikki (Team Nikki!) and then the women freak out over JP in the ocean with a woman at night, woo woo. There is talk of something “that’s never happened before” on the show and then one girl actually wails, “Juan Pablo, I hope you die!”
The outtakes feature Sean saying he was “the shirtless guy,” that was his thing — so what is JP going to be? Juan Pablo says he’s going to be “the dancing ‘Bachelor,'” and he teaches Sean how to salsa. Then they poke fun at how they are shirtless all the time — “When you’re the ‘Bachelor,’ it just happens.”
It’s adorable. Spin-off for Sean and Juan Pablo.