It’s the first half of a two-parter, y’all. Yes, that’s right — four hours of “The Bachelor” in two nights. Hope you’ve got your wine ready!
Chris Harrison informs the women that there’s a two-on-one this week, which earns some groans and moans. Then they cheer when they’re told they should pack their bags. Then there is some feigned enthusiasm when Harrison says it’s a trip to Montana. Reminds me of “Wayne’s World” — “Hi. I’m in … Delaware.”
Sean is flown into Montana in a prop plane, which must have a “No shirt, no shoes, no service” sticker because Sean is not shirtless.
They’re staying at a gorgeous lodge, which most the girls are super excited about. And really, who wouldn’t be? I joke about whisking off to Montana, but that’s some seriously beautiful scenery. Tierra, naturally, says she’ll have to make the best of it. Because there is absolutely no pleasing her.
The only solo date this week is for crazy wedding dress girl, much to the pouty-faces of several other girls. They aren’t even trying to hide how put out they are. Sean arrives and shows Lindsay the helicopter and she squeaks, “Is that a helicopter?” like they’re walking up to a fighter jet or something.
They are heading for Glacier National Park and Lindsay keeps squeaking a lot. Maybe that’s how she communicates with the woodland creatures that braid her hair and helped her get into that wedding dress. She and Sean have a picnic and make out a bunch. That seems to be the primary thing they have in common (kissing each other).
What is this “Beautiful Creatures” film? It looks so cheesy, but it’s got a stellar cast — Emma Thompson, Jeremy Irons, Viola Davis, Emmy Rossum. There are seven Oscar and sixteen Golden Globe nominations with a handful of wins of each in that cast. WTF?
Back from commercial, it’s like Sean and Lindsay didn’t actually DO anything on their date. They didn’t even hike around the park, it looks like. Anyway, Lindsay talks about being an Army brat and how her dad was in the middle east during her adolescence. It actually takes me a second to realize she means Bush II and not Bush I. She’s a baby. Or I’m just really old
They finally get to the actual activity of the date, a Sarah Darling concert. Except the whole town is invited and it’s one of those weirdo things this show does where Sean and Lindsay get up on a platform and dance in the middle of the crowd. So awkward. Why do they do that?
Did that girl just sing “Wanna be your cigarette”? That’s … gross and not a good message at all. She might as well sing, “Wanna linger on your tongue. Like garlic and onion.” (What? It kind of rhymes.)
The group date is for Selma, AshLee, Desiree, Catherine, Sarah, Lesley, Robyn and Daniella, which leaves Jackie and TIerra on the two-on-one. Tierra’s pumped not to be on a group date and is obviously very confident in herself, so Jackie looks pensive.
It’s an outdoors woman competition, with the girls being divided into teams of four and being made to canoe, buck hay, saw logs and milk a goat (then drink the milk). That totally gross me out, though my husband insists it’s not gross.
The teams are Selma, Desiree, Sarah and Robyn (red) vs. AshLee, Catherine, Lesley and Daniella (blue). Sarah is nervous about what will be the hard for her, so she decides she can buck the hay bales.
The race starts and … have any of these women ever canoed before? It’s really not that hard, honestly. The girl in back just has to steer. Which apparently is easier said than done.
Blue gets a good lead. Chris Harrison is doing play-by-play and … let’s just say, he’s no Jeff Probst. But Probst ain’t an Emmy winner for nothin’.
Red catches up at the hay bales portion and take a lead at the log-sawing part. Desiree then milks the goat and chugs the milk like a total boss. You go, Desiree. The blue team has to head home, but later that night, Sean feels so bad about sending them packing that he is going to be a rebel rule-breaker again and invite them out that night too.
That ought to go over big with the goat-milk-chugger. Hmph. The competitor in me would be really irritated by this turn of events, if I was on the winning team.
Right on cue, the red team girls are pretty irked and rightly so. It’s a stupid competition, sure, but it isn’t fair. Plus, as Robyn points out, if one of the blue team gets the rose from the group date, that is some BS right there.
But you know who else is irritated? Tierra, like she has anything to do with anything. But of course, with Tierra it’s “All About Eve” and god forbid she not get all dramatic about everything. She sneaks into one of Sean’s interviews in private and surprises him. It’s a real shame someone cannot punch her because that would be amazing. It sort of seems like Robyn would if it wouldn’t get her kicked off the show.
Oh my god, is Tierra wearing one of the blue team’s lumberjack shirts?! She is a crazy person. Anyway, she tells Sean that being on the two-on-one date is a “slap in the face” and she urges him to follow his heart and make the right decision. Then they make out. Ewwww, she is a troll.
Sean says, “I worry about Tierra,” though I don’t think he means it the same way I mean it.
AshLee gets some alone time with Sean and goes on and on about a fairytale and a soul connection and blah blah blah. She’s laying it on a little thick for being one of 11 girls still in it.
Danielle spies Catherine sitting on Sean’s lap and comes up to Desiree and says, “They’re, like, sitting on each other’s laps,” which — naturally, Desiree is confused. And then Daniella cries, for reasons passing understanding. So far, she’s been kind of a non-entity and now all of a sudden she’s having a break down because a girl was sitting on his lap. She must not be aware of the three-minute kiss he shared with Lesley M.
And apparently some waterworks is all it takes to make a big impression on Sean because he acts like he’s got some great connection with Daniella all of a sudden. Dude, if this is the way you react to tears, a lot of women could have you wrapped around their little fingers.
Sean ends up giving the rose to Daniella, which royally ticks off the red team. Um, yeah. That’s pretty crappy.
Jackie “hopes” Sean will see her for who she is and see Tierra for who she really is and she’s all soft-spoken and big eyed. Jackie is a goner. Meanwhile, Tierra is preening about her group date shenanigans and calling Sean her “husband” like the crazypants stalker that she is.
They go horseback riding, which is a great date. Except poor Jackie’s horse won’t keep up with Sean and Tierra, so she’s getting left out. And at the pit stop, she kind of bad-mouths Tierra to Sean. Which is all true, but probably not the best tactic with Sean. Jackie thinks it went well, but her chances are still not looking good.
That night, Sean says in a voiceover that Tierra seems like so much drama. Thank God he’s finally getting hip to that. When they go off alone, she talks about being “scared” and having a big heart, then she talks about her guy who was in and out of rehab and then he died in 2009. Well, that’s too bad. Still doesn’t excuse her looney tunes behavior, but that’s too bad for her.
Of course, it was also quite brilliant to save the dead-boyfriend card for the two-on-one date. Very well played, Tierra. Ughhhh.
So then of course she gets the rose, because Sean is a huge sucker and Tierra is a master manipulator. In an interview, she lifts up he
r rose and makes that “I’m outhouse rat crazy” face.
The Cocktail Party
Desiree has zoned in on the fact that Sean gives roses to girls who are having a hard time. He totally does — it’s the only way he feels like he can “fix” things, which is pretty weak on his part, plus it doesn’t speak particularly highly of the women who need so much validation.
Desiree hints to Sean that she doesn’t think Tierra is the one for him and that she’s not sure how he feels about her, but she won’t come out and say it. It leaves Sean feeling pretty confused.
Meanwhile, Tierra is shooting daggers at the girls who are sad that Jackie is gone, then she and her little troll legs stomp off to pout. She acts like she’d beat these “b****es” up if she was a fighter. Like, she’d kick them in the shins?
So then Robyn decides it’s time to squash things and it’s “Bad Girls Club” time or something. She calls Tierra out on her two-facedness, then Lesley jumps in and Catherine is standing there too, while Tierra blathers on about how she’s being “threatened,” though she does that annoying Valley Girl thing where she says “threh-enned” and something about how she likes Sean, but she could go get engaged to any guy? Or something? It’s really unclear, y’all. Because Tierra is not the sharpest knife in the drawer. We should just be happy she can form sentences.
Not that Lesley, Robyn and Catherine are being much better with making sense. This whole incident is just incredibly stupid. If someone is going to go “Bad Girls Club,” we want to see hair pulling and eye gouging.
After commercial, Tierra and Robyn continue to talk about … nothing. Sean catches Tierra snotting to Robyn about something and he’s wondering what’s going on with her, so they go off alone.
Tierra insists she’s not a drama person at all, which is laughable because she’s one of those girls who like HAS to have drama. And she plays the victim and insists she’s a nice girl and that no one gives her credit (credit for what?).
Sean takes Lesley off alone and asks her point blank what’s up with Tierra because everyone is so vague about her. No one provides details for Sean. Lesley diplomatically says that Tierra is cold and doesn’t make an effort to form any relationships with anyone in the house.
Sean acts like he’d let Tierra go home even though she has a rose, but we’ve seen her in the promos for tomorrow, so we already know she stays. That’s just bad editing on “The Bachelor’s” part.
I Need to Talk to Chris Harrison
It’s time to dish with everyone’s favorite romance TV show host. In honor of our first Harrison sit-down, I must share the onesies my cousin Melanie (a “Bachelor” fan) made for my new baby. Awesome, right?
Anyway, Sean talks about how the women say Tierra is not friendly and has two sides to her, which is finally giving him pause. But the hard part is no one can give him anything other than that they don’t really like her.
He says that if you’re going to come to him with complaints, have some supporting evidence. Except that he also kind of acts put out when girls want to talk about other girls. In fact, it seemed like the main reason he sent Kacie home. So we’re not so sure he wants what he think he wants.
Sean also confesses to not being so confident that his wife is amongst the group on nights like tonight. He wants to be taking bigger strides at this point.
The Rose Ceremony
I feel like Robyn is on her way out. The other one? Not sure. Roses go to Lindsay, Daniella and Tierra (already had) and Selma, Catherine, Lesley, AshLee, Sarah and Desiree. Oh, so only one is leaving because Jackie already did. Yep, called it on Robyn.
This season: the Canadian Rockies, an ice castle (please, don’t let this feeling end. It’s everything I am), a polar bear plunge, Tierra probably faking a stroke or something, AshLee taking on Tierra, Tierra crying big crocodile tears, Sarah crying, Desiree crying, AshLee declaring her love, an elephant, beaches, kissing and Sean at the finale. GETTING A LETTER. OMG, y’all.