Here we are, gang! “The Bachelorette” is kicking off with the adorable Ali Fedotowsky. After we re-live her struggle between Jake “Someday I’ll be a Real Boy” Pavelka and her Facebook job, we finally start her adventure.
Which leads to several more minutes of filler wherein we watch Ali look sad about lost opportunities and then dance around and look cute about the new prospect of love on “The Bachelorette.” She told us last week that this season brought her “a lot of different emotions,” so definitely check out our interview.
There’s a decently impressive montage of Ali bouncing a soccer ball around — she’s Sporty Spice! She also apparently has some really killer abs. Hello, Ali’s abs. Jealous.
Chris Harrison finally greets us with an intro that makes it sound like Ali was head-over-heels for Jake. Hmmm. But before we start the intros, we meet some of the bachelors. Frank (right) from Chicago seems hilarious and he’s totally cute — but he’s a screenwriter who lives with his parents, which is always sexy. He finds out on camera that the new bachelorette is Ali and he seems to be genuinely ecstatic. I also adore his crooked tooth. So that’s cool.
Jay the Lawyer works in personal injury law and says the family that sues together stays together, so that’s a little gross. Where’s his commercial and 1-800 number? Speaking of gross, Craig M. from Toronto is super skeavy and thinks he has McDreamy’s hair.
Next is Kyle from Colorado (left) — a mountain man who shot a bear once. We’ve already met him and I’m not a fan. Dave Crockett just doesn’t do it for me. Speaking of not doing it for me, Justin the lame-o “professional” wrestler from Canada does not do it for me either — he can’t even get sympathy because he broke his foot and loves his grandma. Loving your grandmother is not mutually exclusive from being a creeper.
Phillip from Chicago is a nice breath of fresh air. He’s re-shifting his life after his 22-year-old brother died, realizing what is important. Jonathan the weatherman gets a big thumbs up. He’s short but instead of being a hot-headed Napoleon-complex, he’s funny. I like it.
Ty from Tennessee is funny looking, but I like his yellow lab. He appears to be a country singer, though, so let’s hope he’s not another Wes. Chris from Cape Cod is a high school math teacher who was working in New York but moved back to his hometown when his mom got sick. Aww, geez. That’s great. And he’s strong-jawed and handsome, so woo-hoo to Chris.
We now jump to the introductions. There’s a silly chat with Ali, bleep bleep bleep — let’s get to the hunks! Out of the first limo we have a cutie named Chris H., then we meet Jesse (right), who asks Ali how she feels about dating a “peculiar man” because he’s from Peculiar, Mo. Okay, that’s clever. Chris L. from Cape Cod is next, he appears to fluster Ali and the bond over being Red Sox fans. While I hate the Red Sox, I support the love of baseball.
Ty the country singer is next, he’s polite but boring. Then Frank comes jumping out of the top of the limo and calls her “Ali, my love.” Love it. Adorable. Next up is broken-foot fake wrestler Justin, who seems to make a good first impression.
Jay the lawyer is next. It’s like someone’s 45-year-old dad is romancing her, yuck. Chris N. then brings Ali a rose, hoping he’ll get one later. Next is Kasey, who talks like he has wet cotton stuck in his throat and then he says he’ll protect and guard her heart. Uh, either that’s really sweet or he means that literally and he’ll put it next to the head, liver and kidney in his freezer.
Kyle the Mountain Man is next. He reels her in like a fish, which is not funny anymore Kyle. Is it still 1996 in Colorado? Roberto, or “Rico Suave,” romances her with some Spanish and the promise of a dance later. Craig M. tries to win points with me by greeting Ali with an “I’m so glad you’re not Vienna.” It still won’t win me over, Hairpiece.
John N. and Tyler V. do nothing, but then John C. proposes with a cubic zirconium ring while getting her to promise to give him alone time. Ali has a good reaction, while I’m at home going, “Weirdoooooo.”
Jonathan (left) the weatherman is next. He is cute and brings her a sunshine magnet. Craig R., and Steve do nothing, then Kirk makes her a rose out of a napkin, which is cheezy but nice. Tyler M. mistakes Ali for someone else during Jake’s season, which is quite the faux pas. Might as well scream out another woman’s name during sex, dude.
Hunter totally chokes in front of Ali but covers in a cute way — by doing the pee-pee dance. Derek might be an actual hobbit and then he throws leaves on her, Phil is nice but nothing special, Derrick “Shooter” entices her with a story of his nickname, which turns out not to be worth it. The last guy is Jason, who back-flips off the limo, which is a great move. Too bad he turns out to suck.
Meet n’ Greet
Frank is a total geek over Ali, while Kirk reveals he made a scrapbook for Ali, which admittedly is weird, but Craig M. makes fun of him, which is a bit rich coming from a guy who looks like Willy Wonka.
Kasey the cotton mouth keeps talking about guarding and protecting her heart, which is not good manners, it’s creepy. Of course your mom is everything to you, Norman Bates. It puts the lotion on its skin, right?
Hunter (right) sings a song for Ali about finding a soul mate and it’s adorable and decently funny. That’s awesome, I’d immediately be smitten. Jason compares him to Shakespeare and Romeo and then says Hunter is actually the nerd who never gets the girl. Oh really, Russian gymnast off the limo?
Shooter now reveals his little problem. This makes me think of a chain of convenience stores in the Midwest called “Kum n’ Go.” I swear to God they’re called that. People also refer to them as “Ejaculate and Evacuate” and “Blow Your Load and Hit the Road.” Just a funny little taste of the Midwest for your, we’re a full-service blog here at Zap2it. Meanwhile, Ali talking-heads an actual, “What the &@&$?” at that story, which is about the only appropriate reaction.
Willy Wonka gets mad because in his two-on-one time, Jonathan
dominates the conversation. It’s not Jonathan’s fault you’re a creepy used-car salesman, Craig.
Chris Harrison brings the First Impression Rose — DUN DUN DUN. Pressure’s on now. Chris from Cape Cod gets some alone time and he’s not flashy but he’s obviously super-sweet. He chooses not to tell her that he took care of his sick mom and that she died because he didn’t want a sympathy rose. That’s awesome.
Meanwhile, creepy Kyle the Mountain Man is making “jokes” about ingesting the First Impression Rose so he can take it into his soul. Okay, dude. That’s enough. Stop being weird.
Hop-a-long Justin then gets his alone time and he reveals that he’s an “entertainment wrestler” who goes by the name “Rated-R.” Man, I started going to rated-R movies when I was 13. That’s weak. You can’t come up with anything more menacing than that?
Jason attempts to joke that where he comes from “they call that rated bad,” but that’s the lamest joke ever, so no points, Jason. The guys can’t believe Justin is a fake wrestler and start really jumping on him, which is a bit weird. Sure, it’s silly. But he doesn’t look like a 45-year-old-used-car-salesman-Willy-Wonka, so perhaps we shouldn’t throw stones, Craig (left).
Craig R, not the same Willy Wonka Craig, wants to tell Ali that someone’s not there for the right reasons, so they bust out the ballot box to find out which guy everybody hates right off the bat. It’s a needless drama-creator and I approve. I think they should just let them actually box the first night. It’d be better than the ballot box.
Jesse from Peculiar gets some alone time and it turns out he’s made Ali a wooden heart necklace thing. Awww. Is that ’cause he’s from Missouri and they don’t have the internet yet? (Just kidding, I love Missouri, don’t email me.)
Roberto (right) gets the First Impression Rose. That salsa dancing will do it every time. Guess who we’ve got picked out for the fall season of “Dancing With the Stars”!!! Someone actually calls him “Rico Suave,” which is sad because I like to think my jokes are special. Hunter then disappoints me by saying that Roberto did a “hot sauce” dance. Dude, way to look ignorant and racist at the same time.
Before we get to the Rose Ceremony, we get the ballot box results. Ali can either send the highest vote-getter home immediately or she can give him a rose right away. Justin, of course, receives the most number of votes. I don’t know how
they could possibly already think he’s there for the wrong reasons. He
might be, but at this point, I think he gets the votes because he’s
cocky and good-looking.
Ali chooses to give Justin (right) a rose. You know, I would too. Not for Justin specifically, but probably just because he got singled out by a bunch of guys, which is a bit of a mob mentality thing. I think I would feel bad and would give him a rose almost BECAUSE he got the most votes, not in spite of it. Ali giving Justin a rose is met with much dismay by the other bachelors.
Ali gives roses to Roberto and Justin (which we already saw) and then 15 roses go to Jesse, Ty, Craig R. (not Willy Wonka), Tyler V., Frank, Steven, Chris L., Kirk, John C., Chris N., Chris H., Hunter, Craig M. (WILLY WONKA!), Jonathan and Kasey.
Not surprised that Kyle, Jay, Jason, Shooter, Derek, Tyler M. or John N. are going home. Bit surprised that Phil is leaving, especially since she’s keeping big-head Craig and hairpiece Craig. Phil seemed awesome.
What did you guys think of the first round of “The Bachelorette”?
Photo credit: ABC