Desiree rolls up to her “Bachelorette” manse, looking lovely in an orange dress. She really is a tall drink of water, she stands eye to eye with Chris Harrison — granted, she’s wearing heels, but most girls still aren’t as tall as him even in heels.
After freaking out over the house, Desiree is handed the keys to a sporty turquoise number. Fancy. We appreciate that Desiree didn’t grow up with a ton of money, like some of the contestants on these shows, but hopefully the show doesn’t beat that into the ground. It’s not the only facet to Desiree, so let’s not paint her as the little match girl every chance we get him, hmm?
I Need to Talk to Chris Harrison
Desiree once again calls herself “Cinderella” — everybody drink! She also says she’s ready to give it all in love, and that there’s no rulebook. She’s going to go with the flow and basically let it all hang out in terms of smooching the guys. You go with your bad self, Dez. Don’t let anybody slut-shame you.
She gets ready for the first night and not that she doesn’t look smashing — Dez has a fabulous figure — but we thought she’d wear something a little more ball-gown-y rather than slinky. But either way, she looks great.
Before the meet ‘n greet, we get some sneak peeks of some of the 25 bachelors. Highlights include:
- Bryden, an Iraq War vet from Montana. He seems very down-to-earth, but also intense. We suppose you would be after seeing combat.
- Will is a banker in Chicago and he “loves life,” which sounds like something a lonely cat lady writes in her Match.com profile. He also yells that he loves Desiree. Will needs to dial it back a little.
- Nick R. is a tailor … and a magician! We hope that’s a charming facet to his personality and not like that one guy last year — Stevie? The strip club DJ or something? That was annoying.
- Zakkkkkk works in Middle-of-Nowhere, Texas, where he has to find creative ways to entertain himself and then we see him stand naked on his balcony. So, he’s Patrick Bateman — “Scream all you want, sugar. Ain’t no one gonna hear you.” Got it.
- Robert the entrepreneur claims that he and his friends invented sign-spinning. He also skateboards. But he appears to have rescued a boxer with one eye, so he wins everything just for that.
- Mike claims to be a dental student, but he looks more like a soap star who plays a dentist on TV. He’s got the contemplative, 1000-yard stare down pat.
- There’s a guy named Brooks who looks like the guy who plays Kevin on “Shameless.”
- Brad is ridiculously good-looking, in that Ken Doll way. He brings a wishbone for Desiree to make a wish with him, since she made a wish with a penny on her first time around. Cheesy, but memorable.
- Michael takes Dez for a walk to find her penny in the fountain so she can have a do-over. Interesting that more then one guy went after the wish thing.
- Kasey is kind of scary looking — he’s like Ryan Seacrest’s dopey brother. Plus, his intro involves hashtags. #stopthat
- Mikey has some very close-set eyes. He’s got a sort of Cowardly Lion thing going on.
- Jonathan brings her a Fantasy Suite card! Now that’s clever but also kind of sleazy. He should have played that a little differently for it to come off as cute and not gross.
- Zakkkkk shows up shirtless. Drink! At least he’s not running after her with a chainsaw.
- James looks like a Mafioso, which makes it all the funnier when he says, “Loyalty is love” to her. Be loyal — or you’ll be swimming with the fishes.
- Larry tries to make Dez dance with him and her dress rips. Oh, dear. That’s a terrible intro. But at least he knows he was terrible, as he walks away and mutters, “[BLEEEEEEP].”
- Nick R. the magician does a trick for her that gives her a rose. He’s not the cutest guy, but that was a pretty cute intro.
- The knight in shining armor is Diogo — and we’ve met this year’s Stevie. Kind of an awkward weirdo, but hopefully the guys aren’t too mean to him. Just let him be a weirdo and mind your own business.
- Chris gets down on one knee and asks Dez if he can tie his shoe. It’s dorky, but also pretty funny. Well done.
- Mike wears his lab coat, saying he’s McDreamy tonight. He fails to mention that he’s a dental student and not some hot-shot surgeon.
- Brandon rolls up on his motorcycle and he’s very dashing, so you can tell Desiree is all a-flutter.
- Micah shows up in a crazy suit that he pieced together. It’s a good way to be remembered, but maybe not wacky enough to be funny.
- Nick reads her a poem — and it rhymes, like all good poetry should. He’s a regular Shel Silverstein.
- Ben brings his son, Brody, which is a tad cheating because Brody is adorable and has a yellow flower for Dez, but Ben saves it from being too exploitative by saying that Brody is his everything and he wants to be upfront about who he is.
- Then Brody awesomely says on the way back to the limo, “Did I do everything? I gave her the flower … I wish I could come to the party.” Get that kid on the show more, we are instantly smitten.
The Cocktail Party
Dez is let off the leash in terms of giving out roses all night long, just like Sean did. That should spice things up — remember how insane that made the girls during Sean’s season?
Kasey spies the plate full of roses — #hewantsarose. That won’t get old at all, nope.
Then Desiree gets a standing ovation when she enters the room, which is … a little weird. But OK.
Nick jumps right in with a magic trick. He says he’s about to show them the most mind-blowing illusion they’ve ever seen — and it’s “making Desiree disappear for five minutes,” which was actually pretty clever. Well done, Nick.
Brandon goes to steal Dez, saying that “I don’t want to be a jerk and all,” which means he’s about to be exactly that. Oh well, that’s the name of the game. Brandon then lays it all out there that he’s seven-years sober. He gives Dez his sober chip so that she can give it back to his mom on the hometown dates. Huh. That’s a lot for a first chatting session. He’s also pretty intense — he’s, like, ready to get engaged, y’all. Slow your roll, Brandon.
Ben takes his alone time and Dez can’t stop talking about his cute son. Yeah, that was a good move. He also talks up Brody’s mom, saying she’s a great mother (which is good, don’t want to trash the mom necessarily) but he also says they’re best friends (him and the mom). Red flag. Not that exes can’t be friends, because they can, but if these people were already friends and accidentally had a kid together, but had enough attraction to hook up? That’s potential drama of unresolved feelings and whatnot. Hmm. Laying even money right now that that comes up later in the season.
They seem to have a great connection, which is great, and she gives him the first rose. But we’re wary of him and that ex that’s lurking around.
The guys kind of freak out about it, so cue the montage of guys getting a little desperate to get her attention, culminating in shirtless Zakkkkk stripping down and jumping in the pool. #streakage, thanks Kasey.
Then Kasey takes her away immediately and Zakkkk is left hanging, cold, wet and alone. *snicker* But then she gives him a rose for jumping in the pool, so he gets one without even ha
ving to talk to her. He says that rose was “earned,” but … not exactly.
Bryden then wins his rose by talking about connecting with a kid in Iraq while he was deployed. Not that he’s not sincere about that, but man — can’t compete with that, guys.
Then we get the vortex of sex that is Juan Pablo. Dez is pretty smitten with his smoldering looks and Venezuelan accent, plus he has some serious soccer moves (since he used to play professionally) and that’s pretty sexy too.
As the night is waning, Drew gets a rose for what appears to be just being cute. Well, there are worse reasons.
Larry the ER doctor is worried because his first impression (the dance move) ripped her dress. She’s very gracious about it and he’s very intense, taking off his Clark Kent glasses and staring her down like he’s trying to set her on fire with his eyes. Uh, then he keeps putting on and taking off his glasses. Stop that, dude. You’re being creepy.
Jonathan, who is pretty drunk, thinks he’s going to get Dez into the fantasy suite — he’s the one who offered her the key when he got out of the limo — and when he gets her alone, he’s going to “try to kiss her on the mouth.” Oh, dear.
So drunky skunk steals Dez from Will and wants to lead her off to this crazy fire hazard where he has lit candles and done push-ups and whatnot. Thankfully, she doesn’t go. But he does slur some stuff at her about how he has no filter and how much they can hang out. She is desperately trying to get away from Jonathan and finally succeeds, so he goes to pass out in the fantasy suite — “His love tank has not been depleted for years,” y’all. So he’s good to go.
Then it’s time for Jonathan Round 2, where he keeps trying to lead her into the fantasy suite like a horny creeper. #fantasysuitefailjonathan, says Kasey. As an aside, Kasey is clearly awesome and #wehopehestaysaround #becausewelovetotalkinhashtags.
Dez asks him to leave, which is probably best, though hopefully they have a place for him to sleep it off because he is obviously pretty drunk. That’s not an excuse for his behavior, mind you. Just sayin’ — dude needs some ibuprofen, some water and a bed.
The guys who already have roses are Ben, Zakkkk, Bryden, Nick M., Michael and Drew. The remaining roses go to Brandon, Zack, Will, Brooks, Juan Pablo, Brad, Kasey (#yesmorehashtags), James, Robert, Brian, Dan, Chris and Mikey.
That leaves Diogo, Larry, Nick R., Mike R. and Micah going home (plus Jonathan, who was so creepy that he didn’t even warrant a limo).
Larry thinks the dip was his downfall. Dude, it wasn’t the dip. If you were super cute and not creepy, she wouldn’t have cared if her dress ripped. But you were a little intense and that’s why you’re going home.
We’re a little surprised no rose for Nick R., the magician. He’s a little different looking, but he was pretty charming with his magic tricks.
This season: A castle, dancing, boats, helicopters, kissing, dancing, kissing, a concert, mountains, a castle, mountains, hugging, competition, yelling, a fight?, kissing, a guy with a girlfriend, kissing, the girlfriend shows up, James being shady, kissing, cursing, confrontation, a cancer, more confrontation, more cursing, the tears tears tears, more kissing, quaint streets, the beach, some Coldplay maybe, a more beach, more castles, more kissing.
Outtakes: Nick is doing magic tricks and Nick M. says magic is uncool and Ksey says #unimpressed. Um, we’re unimpressed with you guys, magic is awesome.