It’s finally here, “Bachelor/ette” fans! Oh, how I’ve missed you all so much since last we spoke. Let’s wash that taste of Juan Pablo right out of our mouths with some delightful Andi Dorfman.
But first, Chris Harrison opens the show with an introduction about Eric Hill, the contestant who was killed just after wrapping filming. It sounds like he was a great guy and (spoiler alert) if the impression he makes during the premiere is any indication, he’s a real sweetie. It’s a sad turn of events.
OK, but now, let’s get to it. Do you have your
glass bottle of wine at the ready?
“CSI: Andi Dorfman”
The intro for Andi is some “investigation” footage that makes it look like she’s out there actually fighting bad guys, and then there’s some more of that ridiculous courtroom footage that we saw during “The Bachelor” that looks like either a local public access station or the start to an adult film titled “Attractive Nuisance” or something.
It’s fashion show time and photo shoot time, then we finally get the contemplative-walking-on-the-beach footage, though since this is the female-centric version, Andi is not shirtless.
At this point, Andi gets a visit in L.A. from her sister to offer advice. I have to say, on the one hand it’s nice the premiere is only 90 minutes because my gnarled hands have 30 less minutes to recap, but on the other hand, I kind of miss the montage of the men in their natural habitats, you know? Where’s the footage of one guy walking down a busy city street and a shot of the hot farmer (pictured, right) baling hay and some clips of dogs and/or children to tell us who to like? I don’t even know what to do, gang.
The Meet ‘n Greet
Intro time for the fellas. Highlights include:
- Andi is instantly smitten with Marcus, who I don’t find as hottie-hot-hottie as she does. In fact, you know who he looks like? Kalon. Remember him of the “baggage” comment?
- J.J. the “pantstapreneur” looks like if Bill Nye the Science Guy were a 30-years-younger player, which is mildly disconcerting.
- The personal trainer named Cody “pushes” the limo up the driveway, because of course he does. Also, he’s like Sean Lowe’s brother by way of Sloth from “The Goonies,” right? Yikes.
- It seems like Rudie is maybe trying a little hard with his “voluntary 4th waiver,” which means he is waiving his right against search, so Andi can find out all about him, but then it’s actually kind of cute. Jury’s still out on Rudie [ba-dump ching].
- Dr. Jason is easily the most awkward intro of the night with his “fever” diagnosis. Oh, honey.
- But nothing tops Emil‘s intro, when he tells her his name is pronounced like “Anal with an ‘M’.” Oh my god. Why would you lead with that? Also, it’s a shame Andi didn’t counter with, “My name’s like “randy’ without the ‘R.’ Rawr.”
- Eric gives Andi dolls he got from a little girl in Peru that he was supposed to give to is girlfriend, but he didn’t have one at the time, so he’s giving them to Andi. It’s so sweet and also so sad because we know what has happened to him. *sigh* Poor Eric’s family. I wonder if they are able to watch this?
- Josh M., the former pro baseball player (he never got above AA, so don’t get too excited) is pinging my d-bag radar. Anybody else? Hmmm.
The Cocktail Party
Andi starts her hello with “literally my heart is pounding.” I’ll allow it, but I’m keeping an eye on that, missy.
Turns out Josh M. is Andi’s type, so she likes him — but in a delightful bit of self-awareness, Andi says there’s a reason she’s still single and maybe her type needs to change. Yes! You know, I was not sold on Andi as “Bachelorette,” but this episode really turns me around on her. She is so bubbly and friendly, she reminds me a lot of Ali Fedotowsky and Jillian Harris, who are my two favorite “Bachelorettes.”
Marquel does a cookie tasting that is super adorable, especially since he whips out a black and white cookie to represent himself and Andi. Hee!
When Eric tells Andi about the “global odyssey” he does for work, she says, “I’m literally leaning in closer, I’m so jealous.” OK, that is technically true, but seriously — stop with the literallys.
Nick V. makes a great impression on Andi because he’s “sincere and modest,” which is another thing I didn’t give her credit for being excited about. I’m delighted she gives him the first impression rose (spoiler alert), because he’s definitely not the hunkiest guy there, you know?
Andrew and Patrick start their Rich Guy Bromance over their interest in fancy cars and, I don’t know, eating ivy and rowing boats. Whatever guys like that are into.
The Party Crasher
So, Chris Bukowski is there because he’s so smitten with Andi that he feels like he deserves a chance at her heart. When Chris Harrison tells this to Andi, clearly she is not familiar with Bukowski’s work on “The Bachelorette” and “Bachelor Pad” because she actually considers meeting him. If she had known anything about him, her reaction would have been to run screaming and make sure her tetanus shot was up to date in case he slipped past security, right?
Ultimately, Andi decides that’s not fair to the other guys (thank goodness). Harrison uses a “literally,” though he does use it correctly when he says Bukowski is “literally standing down by craft services with security.” But Harrison also gets to say his tough guy Harrison stuff like, “I’ll take care of it, that’s what I do.”
Then rather awesomely, down at craft services, Bukowski says, “I’ve been out here for seven days on my own” and then says he didn’t know when filming started, so that’s why he’s been waiting for seven days.
Um, OK, first of all — hopefully he doesn’t mean he’s been at the gate of the “Bachelor” mansion for a week because that is super creepy (not that I would be overly surprised if that were actually the case). But secondly, does that mean he just came by the mansion every night, hoping that tonight was the night to party-crash? Did he always have a suit on? Did he always have flowers? I wish we had footage of Bukowski’s little pilgrimage in pursuit of Andi’s heart because you know that stuff would be hilarious.
And thirdly, it’s a shame Bukowski didn’t get so riled up that security had to tase him because that too would have been hilarious. Or wait! How amazing would it be if he stalks the show all around the world? Like, hey we’re in Paris, ooh la la, and then Bukowski is lurking in the shadows. Heh.
The First Impression Rose
Chris seems to make a
good impression on Andi. He’s got my vote, but I’m totally biased because he’s from near where I grew up in Iowa. Go Hawks! Go Chris! (Though he’s probably a Cyclone if he’s into agriculture, but we gotta stick together).
Hot Marcus also makes a good impression, but it is not the good looks that gets the first impression rose. It’s Nick V., the humble, sweet guy with 10 siblings, who gets the coveted prize, which is awesome and adorable. Point for Andi.
The roses go to Nick V. (already had), J.J., Eric, Marquel, Craig, Tasos, Josh M., Brian, Bradley, Marcus, Andrew, Ron, Carl, Chris (yessss), Brett, Dylan, Patrick, Cody (what?) and Nick S., which means Anal with an M, Jason, Josh B., Rudie, Mike and Steven do not get roses.
No huge surprises there. What is a surprise is how belligerent Josh B. is on his way out the door. What the heck, dude? Is this really the biggest disappointment and inconvenience that has ever happened to you?
This season: Venice, boats, mime-ery, singing, a tire swing, rappelling, boats, more boats, birds, swimsuits, dancing, trains, castles, sunsets, Brussels, castles, boats, castles, kissing, kissing, dancing, sledding, kissing, kissing, more kissing, still more kissing, hugging, and then — DRAMA with Andrew, drama with Josh M., drama with Nick S., drama with Cody, drama with Andrew, drama with Marquel, profanity, burning someone’s house down (?), Andi laying the smack down, tears, tears, male tears, moping, head shakes, tears, male tears and Andi saying “it’s over at this point.”
We can’t wait! Join us here every Monday night for “The Bachelorette.”