Time for overnight dates and finding out who the two finalists are on “The Bachelorette.” Anybody else think Chris is toast? Let’s find out!
First we have to sit through a video recap of the season we’ve all just watched over the last six weeks. Did you forget about the nightmare fuel that was the mime date? Because if so, here’s your reminder. Eeek!
Helicopter ride! There haven’t been enough of these on this season, it’s odd, right? Usually they take the helicopter to, like, HyVee (Ralph’s? Whole Foods? Insert your grocery store chain of choice).
Nick and Andi have an “adult romance,” which frankly makes me wonder why they even have the pretense of a date and don’t just skip right to the fantasy suite, but I guess that would look kind of skanky (you know, on the show where the lead dates 25 people at once).
But before we can get to the sexy time, they have to talk about serious things, like Nick’s past relationship that broke his heart. He says he learned a lot from those kinds of experiences, and then he chokes when trying to tell Andi that he loves her.
Not that I personally think you have to say it on this show, but since last episode should have been titled “Everyone Says I Love You,” Nick is kind of lagging by not putting his feelings out there. Will he do it tonight before the sexy time?! Tension.
That night, Nick reads Andi a story he wrote. And then! The story is illustrated! This is amazing, but I’m not sure Andi and I mean that in the same way. Nick also really misses out on a funny moment by not saying, “They traveled to the mystical land of ‘Mil-e-wah-que,’ which is Algonquin for ‘the good land.'”
But anyway, Nick uses the story to more or less tell Andi that he loves her and Andi is impressed that there are so many blank pages left, like that means they have many chapters to come and not just that the journal is really long and he couldn’t fill it all.
Fantasy suite time! Of course Nick is going to the fantasy suite. He says he’s excited about “talking her ear off the entire night,” which is a euphemism we all need to start using. “Hey baby, you wanna talk my ear off all night?” Andi clarifies that he has said yes to the fantasy suite and Nick says, “I’m down.” We all mentally add the rest of that sentence, presumably.
Before they depart for the sexy time, Nick does come out and tell Andi he loves her. Smoochies are had. Lights are turned off.
I’m surprised Chris gets the last date, that’s interesting. Anyway, it’s time for the requisite wander around and explore the
hired extras local color, like street vendors and a meringue band. Also, Josh is ready to bash Andi over the head and take her back to his cave … or something. Of course, they manage to find some local kiddos who are totally amenable to these complete strangers joining their pick-up baseball game. Josh declares himself pitcher and umpire. I know you are shocked. Later as they chit-chat, Josh says that he loves Andi and he can’t stop smiling his 1000-watt smile, so perhaps he is smitten. He is certainly grinning like a fool.
At dinner, they talk about kids. It’s kinda boring. I really don’t see it with these two, but clearly they are ready to just drop down to the floor and go for it, so Andi obviously feels something that I do not feel for Josh.
They choose to take part in the fantasy suite, of course. Smoochies. Swimming. More intense smoochies. Commercial.
They’re making Chris go on the farm date? That seems mean. You know that farmers have other interests, right?
They go horseback riding and then have a picnic, it’s very pastoral. Andi talks about how great Chris’ family is and, in talking about the date (tractors, corn fields), Chris says, “I loved when you just hopped on my lap and went to town.” Tee hee.
Then they decide to play Ghost in the Graveyard and Chris takes it pretty seriously, since he like BOLTS out of frame into the field. It’s hilarious, I need a GIF of that. Andi finds him fairly quickly, because really, where is he going to hide? And they make out.
That night, Andi keeps gushing about what a great time she had in Iowa, which is nice and all, but I just can’t see her moving there and I can’t see Chris moving to Atlanta, so. Chris wants to know where she’s at — they both seem to know that this isn’t really going to work out for them. Unless Andi was somehow just madly in love with Chris, this isn’t going to work and they both seem to understand that. Andi actually says farming is not really negotiable for Chris and to her credit, says it shouldn’t be because that’s his heart. It’s a very adult conversation, especially for this show. I feel like Chris is not getting a fantasy suite invite and that’s the right decision.
And then, yep, Andi starts crying. She’s not where Chris is and if those feelings aren’t there, she can’t really think about moving to Iowa for him. She also says it’s not fair to make him sit there and wait for a rose ceremony, so it’s Chris’ time to go. She says her head and her heart don’t match up — on paper, Chris is perfect, but she just doesn’t feel it. He’s disappointed and sad, but he understands and he takes his leave. Healthy break-up alert! It’s nice to see people be adults on these shows. Also, if Chris wasn’t already “Bachelor” frontrunner, this just cemented it.
I’m really digging her faux sailor suit dress, by the way. And as another aside, you know the cameramen saw that heart-shaped reef in the ocean and were like, “Jackpot.”
I Need to Talk to Chris Harrison
Andi says the week was pretty great. She’s sad about Chris, but she’s glad she ended it and she appreciated how Chris handled it. She also says both guys said “I love you” and she calls them the whole package. Her only fear is that she’s done all of this and what if it still doesn’t end well?
There aren’t really any surprises here. Two roses, two guys, everybody accepts their rose. The only awesome part is that Chris Harrison walks Nick and Josh to the platform separately, then he leaves and walks back alone — like he just walked off and turned around and walked back. It was weird and silly.
Next week: The men tell all! You’re in for a treat, “Bachelorette” fans.