And…we’re back! Thanks for that six minute break, Biggest Loser! This is the season of new trainers, a development about which I am exceedingly skeptical. The intro tells us that the contestants will have to make a choice — train with Bob and Jillian, or train with the mystery trainers in a secret mystery unknown mysterious location. Either way, it appears, they will encounter beatings. This season will also feature the biggest contestant in Biggest Loser history. That happens every season, doesn’t it? This dude is 5’8″ and weighs 507 pounds. And then there’s Courtney, a youngster who has already lost over 100 pounds. She’s been dealt a rough hand, given that her family runs a Dairy Queen as well as a health club. Well, she’s about to get a peanut bust-your-a** parfait from Jillian, I’m guessing. And there’s the Olympic gold medalist wrestler guy! I’m sure we’re going to get all of these montages in detail momentarily, so I’m going to stop with the intro recapping before everything is spoiled.
After the four minute and seventeen second intro (!), we traverse across mountains and land at the ever-depressing Biggest Loser ranch. We are first introduced to father and son team Arthur, 34 and Jesse, 61. Jesse notes that they can’t turn back now. And then there’s mother and daughter team Irene, 26 and Ana, 49. They’re excited. Note they haven’t yet busted a sweat. Then there are drag queen sisters Olivia, 34 and Hannah, 31. And aha! I was close with the drag queen thing. Olivia is an opera singer, and tells us that she always gets typecast in the fat sidekick roles. She has big talent, and a big butt. I didn’t think that the latter was a deficit in the world of opera. Then there is father and daughter team Moses, 46 and Kaylee, 20. They are wearing spirited yet hideous t-shirts. Moses tells us that people on both sides of his family have died young, and he’s at the age when if he doesn’t make a change, he too will kick the bucket. And then twins! It’s Dan and Don, 54 from Oklahoma City. They’re both cops, and probably get a lot of donut jokes.
These teams and others enter the Biggest Loser gym where they meet Sami, and are flooded with memories of contestants flying off of treadmills. 2000 Olympian Rulon, who is 38 and teammates with his friend Justin, also 38, tells us that he’s entering another path in his life. It’s his turn to put his heart and blood into the elliptical machine, and see what he can accomplish. Sami greets everyone and tells the contestants that they’re fighting for their lives. Luckily, they’ll have some help along the way — from Bob and Jillian! Our beloved trainers walk in and hug everyone. Bob recognizes the aforementioned Courtney, 21, who is on a team with her mom, Marci, 49, from when they met over a year ago at the season 7 finale. Courtney has worked her butt off to get on the show, and is thrilled to be here. Bob and Jillian say that meeting the new batch of contestants is like coming home. Bob notes that everyone is so happy now, but haven’t had their first workout yet. Too true.