Here we go, reality fans – ABC’s answer to “Big Brother,” “The Glass House.” In case anyone cares, we watched the live feeds last week and so far, our favorites are Andrea, Kevin, Erica and Jeffrey. Alex is one of the most obnoxious reality players we’ve ever seen, due in large part to the fact that he thinks he’s some awesome Dr. Will and he is SO not. Also, Mike kills baby bunnies and we hope he he gets evicted first (among other things).
We meet the contestants and Alex is immediately obnoxious in that way that guys with no self-awareness often are – they think they’re suave and smart and charismatic, when in fact they are lame and not that funny and not that cute. Jeffrey’s “hot fat gay guy” intro is hilarious, while Apollo “believes” in a lot of things.
Gene earns major points by saying Alex makes his “tool meter” go off.
The teams are East vs. West and they have to choose a captain. The captain and another member of the losing team will be ejected into limbo and the viewers only save one of those people.
Jacob volunteers to be captain for the West team, after not being sure Oregon is in the West. No wonder he and Alex get along so well right off the bat.
Then the sleeping quarters are revealed. Holly and Robin get put in the Enemies room, and Holly hilarious thinks Robin is 60, or late 50s, when she is 43. Oh, sweetie. Andrea and Erica get put in the Friends room, which is great. They’re both delightful, at least so far on the live feeds.
The teams decide to figure out who the team captains are going to be. The West team is pushing hard for Jacob to do it for them, and he agrees. Wow, ain’t no way we’d volunteer.
The East team has it easy too, as Jeffrey volunteers. He thinks it’s something the team needs, so he steps up. Well, good for Jacob and Jeffrey.
Then Apollo gets all weird about people picking cards to get his vote and how he’s not going to make any alliances. But wait – the people in the house don’t vote on who goes home, the audience does, right? He’s a big weirdo.
The teams go one at a time to the “yard,” where they match up names to facts on a giant puzzle board. Alex thinks he’s totally got this, but everybody’s dumb in thinking if they figure out the facts, they’ll solve the puzzle. In fact, you just have to match up the colored lines and ignore the people/facts.
The East team is much quicker in figuring out a strategy for the puzzle and they solve it pretty quickly. The final times end up being 7 minutes for West, 3 minutes for East. Heh. Alex looks like he swallowed a bug.
Alex is Obnoxious Some More
Jacob is heading for sure and he’s convinced Alex is going to limbo too because they’re both “athletic.” Um, that’s not the reason Alex will go to limbo. And if he says “primetime 99 Alex Stein” one more time, I will throw a shoe through the TV. Mike very astutely says Alex is really overplaying his hand.
Kevin’s use of “hoosegow” makes him even more awesome. Wonderful. Meanwhile, Alex is convinced the show will be boring without him and his freaky teeth. Or the show would be better off because then we could watch real people strategize and not you as some idiotic caricature.
Then he parades around in his underwear and goes up behind Andrea, the Mormon mother of three, and kind of harasses her. Which is not cool. Kevin calls him wildly inappropriate, and Alex says Kevin is a “baby-back b****.” Um, whatever that means. But also, why don’t you say that to his face, Alex, and we’ll see who the b**** really is when he kicks your butt from here to Thursday.
Kevin then says he’s confident they won’t have to worry about Alex for very long – um, yes. Alex cannot read a room at all. His lack of self-awareness is staggering. He does at least have the good graces to apologize to Andrea.
Alex uses his “baby-back b****” again to talk about Apollo, which – what? Apollo’s weird, but Alex is a moron.
Now this is actually interesting – each person got to ask the viewers a private question and they receive the answers in front of the whole house, but the house doesn’t know what the question was.
Gene: Who is it more important to align with, women or men? Viewers say women.
Erica: Is Arie still on The Bachelorette – Yes
Apollo: Did you smile at least once today – Yes
Alex: Should I turn into the most epic villain in the history of reality TV – Yes (Um, like he’s capable of that)
Now we have to watch Alex implement this strategy by just being a jerk to everyone all over the place, it’s gross to watch. That’s not how you are a villain, that’s just how you’re a mean person. We’ve changed our minds – Mike the bunny killer can stay. Alex needs to go. This isn’t fun to watch, at all. He’s a d-bag.
Meanwhile, Jacob is convinced he’s going home. Please don’t send him home, America.
Alex is overwhelmingly voted into Limbo alongside his bromance Jacob. Who then decides to quit? WTF?
But we can still vote Alex out – will you vote that way, gang?