'24,' Liveblogging in Real Time: Night One, Part One

Today's cuppa: raspberry iced tea (it's unusually warm in L.A.)

Fox_08kieferjefferson_1955abrf_3 I set myself a challenge tonight, to liveblog the two-hour season-seven premiere of Fox's "24" in real time -- then I remembered that my real time is Pacific Standard Time and the show doesn't start here until 11 p.m. Eastern Standard Time.

So, it's back to liveblogging from the DVD. But the show is beginning back East as I type, so let's to it...

(As always, these liveblogs are not meant to be overtly spoilery, but if you're either extremely clever or a really good guesser, you might want to leave right now. You've been warned.)

The following takes place between 8 a.m. and 9 a.m. (on the day of the California presidential primary. OK, not really. Little season-one humor there). Events occur in real time (except any involving eating, going to the bathroom or driving, all of which take place on an alternate plane of "24" existence where time and space have no meaning).

Hey, it's that guy from "Star Trek: Enterprise" and "The Nine"! Now he's a dad. Now he's toast. Bam!

We're OK. OK , not so much. Bam! It's balaclava time!

Dad? Dad? DAAAAAAAD!!!!!

Oh, no, I know those lips! I know that voice! I know that Soul Patch! Soul Patch, you're alive!

It's Senator Dad from "That '70s Show," known heretofore as Sen. '70s. He's picking on Jack Bauer, who probably saved his butt two or three times already. What-freaking-ever, Sen. '70s. Go let a lobbyist buy you lunch or something.

Jack Bauer is not flustered in the least. Mr. Bauer, did you do a bunch of bad stuff? Sen. '70s, you betcha. Mr. Bauer, are you all bent out of shape about that? Sen, '70s, not so much. Mr. Bauer, did you do really, really bad stuff? Sen. '70s, I whupped some bad-boy butt, so blow it out your ear. Furthermore, whup my butt if you think you can, Sen. Smugface.

FBI Chick saves Sen. '70s from further humiliation. Jack Bauer, you've been drafted.

It's FBI Garafalo on the phone. Get a leeetle closer to the brush next time, FBI Garafalo, and maybe FBI Babyface Boy would listen to you.

FBI Boss has trouble with neural networks, and he needs Toast Dad, but balaclavas have him.

Hey, Nick from "X-Files!" Don't be picking on Toast Dad, he's had better days. Toast Dad makes the McGuffin for the balaclavas, and once again on "24," flying commercial just sucks.

FBI Boss likes Jack Bauer about as much as Sen. '70s, but FBI Chick has Jack's back. Things have gone critical. Ergo, Jack Bauer.

FBI Garafalo sent differentials to Homeland. WTF, FBI Garafalo? Now she's all snarky on Jack Bauer. You'll pay for that, FBI Garafalo.

FBI Chick says crap is hitting fan. Jack Bauer is, like, whatever, I'm retired. FBI Chick says, not with Soul Patch on the loose, you're not. Jack Bauer isn't buying it. In the immortal words of Chris Carter, creator of "The X-Files," "Did you see him die? Did you actually see him die?"

Jack Bauer's like, I'm outta here. FBI Chick's like, not so fast, buckaroo. Have a look at this.

Jack Bauer's like, whoah.

Soul Patch comes out of the shadows, and he doesn't look happy. Commercial air traffic isn't happy. Jack Bauer's not happy. Sen '70s is severely disappointed.

The McGuffin goes out of phase. Oops, Toast Dad, you're in for it now.

Jees, Soul Patch, give Toast Dad a wet wipe or something before you get all nasty on him.

Split-screen clock!

President Not Hillary looking at TV. TV has no good news from Fake African Nation (heretofore known as FAN). She doesn't think the U.N. will pitch in to save FAN. Really, President Not Hillary? What would give you that silly idea? You must have watched "24: Redemption."

Mr. First Not Bill has problems of his own. Chief Adviser thinks Mr. First Not Bill is a wimp, but President Not Hillary sets him straight.

McGuffin all better now, expect flight delays.

I lost sync once, but I thought it was the shrimp.

FBI Chick says our infrastructure's in trouble. Yeah, I know, saw that pothole. She thinks Soul Patch wants payback. Jack Bauer doesn't believe in ghosts.

Wow, closeup on Jack Bauer, and that burned ear from "24: Redemption" looks all better now, like it never even happened.

FBI Chick hears about flight delays, FBI Babyface Boy suspects a McGuffin.

Whoops! Fasten your seatbelts and put your tray tables in the upright and locked position.

Jack Bauer's teamed with FBI Babyface Boy, but he's all pissy about who FBI Garafalo is interfacing with.

President Not Hillary ponders a green light and reminds SecState that she's done with his hand-wringing. Oh, and the U.N.? Might as well just serve tea.

Word of the McGuffin and flight delays reach President Not Hillary, whose forehead is suitably crinkled.

President Not Hillary connects the dots at warp speed, but her question isn't answered.

Split-screen clock!

Mr. First Not Bill has lofty aspirations over tea with Cynical Journalist, who gets tossed out for breaking news. Oooh, Mr. First Not Bill has a side project, connected to Lingerie Chick from "24: Redemption," who is rocking serious moolah.

Cute Secret Service Agent (heretofore known as CSSA) tries to talk Mr. First Not Bill off the ledge, but he wants to jump anyway.

FBI Garafalo has a glitch, and she's checked every ELR socket. She connects dots even faster and draws a picture of a big, scary monster. FBI Chick talks FBI Garafalo off the ledge, and has better luck than CSSA.

Jack Bauer sees something. He connects the dots faster than anyone. Jack Bauer is the world's most powerful Sharpie.

FBI Babyface Boy whines. Luckily for him, Jack Bauer doesn't have time to wring his skinny neck.

Jack Bauer knows it's Bad Hatteras, and unfortunately, he's in town -- downtown. Jack Bauer knows there's no time for niceties. FBI Boss gets all high and mighty. Luckily for him, Jack Bauer doesn't have the time to do things that FBI Boss can't even imagine.

FBI Chick wants to put Jack Bauer and Bad Hatteras together, as they're old buds from back in the day. FBI Chick says she's in control. Dream on, FBI Chick. FBI Boss lets her do it her way.

Split-screen clock!

Jack Bauer gives the 411 on Bad Hatteras, who was a conduit for him and his bestest pal, Soul Patch, back in the day. Jack Bauer still believes in Soul Patch.

FBI Chick goes in with Jack Bauer.

President Not Hillary gets the 411 on FAN and plans a little Bosnia action of her own. SecState still cranky but on board.

FBI Chick puts a leash on Jack Bauer, or so she thinks.

Hi, Ugly Guy Who Answered the Door. Hi, Bad Hatteras, that slave guy from Gladiator! Bad Hatteras has a witness. He knows Jack Bauer well. Sitting, talking, needling, eye squinting, questioning, denying -- FBI Chick's got some moves!

Talking turkey with Bad Hatteras, Jack Bauer goes for the ballpoint pen.

Bang! Bang! Bang!

Jack Bauer's at the ready and on the phone. Soul Patch?

Split-screen -- no clock!

Prepare for landing, oops! He redirected twice! Soul Patch calls in the course change. Will he go all the way?

End clock!

Click here for part two of night one.

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