'90210' recap: Gutter, Balls

90210-s4-teddy-ade-navid-silver-320.jpgAfter Naomi's rape revelation on "90210," Silver is on the hunt for blood. She enlists AAdrianna and Annie in the sting operation that wasn't. First she has a flirty IM conversation with Cannon and invites him to a hotel room to "brainstorm" ideas about her senior project, then she sets up a surveillance camera in her laptop. The joke's on her when Cannon brings the school's principal and therapist to intervene in case Silver's bipolar is acting up again. Silver gets off with a family conversation and a few counseling sessions, but she's far from over. She catches Cannon in the hall the next day and flings some vague threats at him about some master plan she and the girls (don't) have to pay him back for his crimes. To be continued...

Also obsessed with blood is Dixon, who goes in for a test to see whether he has HIV or not. In the time between the test and the results, he successfully alienates Ivy long enough for Ausscar to swoop in and tell Ivy he saw Dixon talking to his ex on the night he was supposed to be taking Ivy's virginity. She confronts him with a barrage of questions. Backed into a corner, he breaks up with her on the grounds that he's still hooked on his ex. He tries to make amends when he learns he tested negative for HIV, but Ausscar has already enacted his final solution by consoling the pants off of Ivy, quite literally.

Jen likewise finds herself pants-less when her baby decides it's time to get the eff out of her inhospitable womb. Out of the frying pan and into the fire, baby. That's all I have to say to you. Debbie ends up driving Jen to the hospital because, in her cash-strapped state, she was applying for a job as Jen's "executive" assistant. Debbie ultimately takes the job. Jen, meanwhile, gets a baby boy (she thought she was having a girl) and a kiss from Matthews that shall hopefully never be discussed again.

As for those who won't be having babies, we'll speak of Annie first. She successfully hides a bag full of surrogate-friendly hormone injections from Debbie for about 13 seconds before Debbie tells her in no uncertain terms that she will not be harvesting her eggs. Without morning sickness to keep her company, Annie decides to take up with Liam's half-brother for good, since Liam has told both of them to bugger off. Also in the buggering and not-having-babies camp, Teddy has a gay old time cleaning West Bev's gutters, saving lives, and other such shenanigans with his one-night stand, Ian. That is, until Ian dares to touch Teddy's shoulder, and the closeted jock runs screaming "No homo!" all the way into some slutty girl's bed, where he can't get it up anyway, so what was the point? But what's ever the point at West Bev? Certainly not sharp dialogue, plot continuity, or authenticity. Not while we have Shenae Grimes and Trevor Donovan on board, my friends.

Photo credit: The CW
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