'America's Got Talent': I've got a fever and the only cure is more Cadence

Davidhasselhoff_americasgottalent_2 Sorry for the lateness of this post, please excuse my tardiness. Contrary to popular belief, I cannot control the weather. But I got a tape of last night's show in my hot little hands and I'm ready to go. One last round of auditions and we're off to Las Vegas. Tonight's talents are from MySpace (?) submissions, which oughta provide a lot of fodder for me, so thanks America's Got Talent! Jerry refers to MySpace as "one of the largest internet talent sites in the world." Last time I checked, MySpace was not for "talent," it was to either showcase pictures of drunken shenanigans or send me creepy messages.

Our first guy is the lovechild of Ozzy Osbourne and Slash from Guns n Roses. His name is Michael Trixx and he does a rock n' roll magic show. Hmm, that could be cool. The show isn't terrible, but lacks direction and presentation. He needs to work on his showmanship. The audience boos heartily. Sharon calls him a rock star hobbit. Snerk. Sharon could write for us! He is scuttled off.

Next up is Diva Boy and the Sexplosion Dancers. That sounds appropriately MySpace. Diva is dressed like Captain Stubing and the dancers look like extras from the Rocky Horror Show. They stomp around on stage to some weird song with which I am unfamiliar. Next!

It doesn't get any better with Eloy, a motivational speaker who does spoken word. That kicks off our Montage o' Suck that includes Del Hampton, a Cluck-Off champion (too many naughty word jokes... too many naughty word jokes...); David, a guy who sets off fireworks in his pants (we unfortunately do not get to see that happen.  My pants remain fireworks free.); Suzy, a crazy Iowan who yells "The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia" while looking like a meth addict (way to represent our state, Suze); and Cary, a man who looks like if you morphed Dick Van Dyke with Christopher Lloyd and then he did funny faces.

Our first good act of the night is Brandon, an Ozzy impersonator who looks and sounds A LOT like Ozzy. Sharon is CRACKING UP. Brandon sings and afterwards Sharon says he may have to take his trousers down so she can make sure he's not her husband. Seriously, she's on fire tonight. He's very good and is through to Vegas unanimously.

The plinky-plunky strains of sadness kick up to share the story of 44 year-old Holly who gave her daughter up for adoption when she (Holly) was 18 and now has found her daughter through MySpace. ...Wow. I guess that's great. Though if I do the math, the daughter is now 26?  But the girl on TV looks about 19. Weird. Holly takes the stage and sings "Fly" by Martina McBride. She's actually not bad. I'm nervous for the big notes, though. You gotta be able to WAIL to sing Martina. Eek. She's not on-key 100% of the time, but she's not bad and the judges put her through.

Next up is Cadence, made up of some CAYUTE college boys wearing jeans and black ties with white button-down shirts. They play all percussion, on buckets and tubes and various things. Cool. They set up their tubs and buckets and go to town. This is awesome, I'd totally go see a Vegas show of these guys. Piers likes their look (DOLLAR SIGNS!) and says they are going to need backing music to go further. Sharon agrees, saying they have to think of a 90-minute show. Hoff says they could add choreography. Hoff says yes, but Sharon says no. WOW. After some of the acts they've put through, that is CRAP! Luckily, Piers has his wits about him and puts them through, as a Snow Patrol wannabe kicks up with "Chasing Cars."

The Worst Wedding Reception Song Ever by Kool & the Gang kicks up as we get a Montage o' Awesome that includes Shimshi, a magician who removes part of a girl's body; The LaSalle Brothers, who juggle and dance and tumble and are very delightful and cute; Matthew Piazzi, who does impressions, though the ones we see aren't that great; Kazual, a Boyz II Men group that sings "In the Still of the Night"; and The Tappin' Dads, a bunch of old dudes in tuxedos who tap dance (awesome).

The next act is Claudia and her mom, Elaine. They call themselves The Sweetones. The background music is very witchy, so I'm scared they're going to come on stage and sacrifice a goat. They start creepily whistling "Climb Ev'ry Mountain," AKA the worst 5 minutes in an otherwise great movie. These two are scaring the crap out of me. If Peter Lorre shows up and I hear the strains of "Hall of the Mountain King," I am so outta here. The judges let this go on forever, what a waste of airtime. The judges say they are very good but that they can't do it for 90 minutes. Piers calls it irritating, pointless, childish and a waste of time. Piers is my new boyfriend.

Speaking of boyfriends, The Hoff is rocking some glasses tonight and I think he looks really hot. I am deeply shamed.

The very last sob story is really going for the low blow with an Iraq veteran named Daniel Jens who is going to sing and play the guitar. Aww, geez. I can't make fun of this! What are you doing to me, show?!? He plays "I'll Be" and he kind of messes with the arrangement and tempo, to great effect. The bridge is very good, he's got a nice growly voice. I approve. The judges love him, though Piers cautions him to work on the singing a little. He's through to Vegas.

The show ends with a barf-worthy montage of a sunset and the Statue of Liberty and acts that made it through and puppies and the American flag and Whoopi Goldberg and Mount Rushmore and the Grand Canyon and Mariah Carey's boobs and a Kelly Clarkson-wannabe and a racially-diverse group of children hugging and Toby Keith and a humvee and the American flag and a cow and the New York City skyline.

Next week... is finally... LAS VEGAS!

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