'America's Next Top Model' recap: All Hail the Queen

70215185-30190659.jpgAfter a cycle full of Revolutionary War allusions, we are finally down to our ultimate two competitors! Yank Laura and Brit Sophie are put through the Cover Girl and runway show paces, per usual. The Cover Girl commercial and ad are focused on a product called "flipstick," because that's how things roll up in this joint. Sophie of course nails everything Cover Girl related with her bubbly, smiley, Illuminata self. We do, however, get to see how bad her skin actually is in some unflattering close-ups. Maybe this is subliminal messaging for Cover Girl cover-up? Laura, meanwhile, has a bit of a difficult time in her photo shoot, and then starts feeling very faint and shaky. She finishes out the photo shoot, but before she can get to her commercial line read she winds up on the ground, shaking even more and feeling like she's unable to breathe. She heads to the hospital, and ultimately is diagnosed as having a panic attack. She gets to shoot her commercial line read the next day in the hotel penthouse, and requires no hospitalization the second time through.

Though Sophie appears to have come out ahead on all things Cover Girl, she falters in comparison to Laura on a Vogue Italia shoot. It entails wearing underwear, so clearly Laura is in her element. Tyra also gives the final two a visit in their penthouse, to make sage observations such as the fact that Laura's wild craziness is merely a mask that covers her pain. She notes that Laura's personal hell has turned her into a strong person. Since Sophie had such an idyllic upbringing, all Tyra can talk about with her is how Sophie's eyes are too far apart and that makes her a good model.

And then it is time for the runway show for Forever 21. You guys, it's so dumb. Dumber than ghost brides or the time Chantal almost killed that guy on stilts! Jay explains that this will be a holographic runway show, which has the girls interacting with lifelike images (though not of Tupac or Nat King Cole or anything cool like that), and walking in sync with an outline of their own bodies. This last bit sounded much more impressive than it was in practice, as it essentially was just a spotlight that the girls had to walk in. With Catherine, Eboni, Alisha and Annaliese to keep them company on the runway, Laura and Sophie walk with giant bows made of hair placed atop their heads and, in one case, a stuffed lion. Somewhere in the world, Andre Leon Talley cackles in his salon while seated underneath a giant photograph of Angelea. Eventually, Sophie and Laura have to have swordfights with hologram warriors, and pick hologram dandelions. I don't know, everybody. No one trips or faints or anything interesting like that, and no one sings a duet with back-from-the-dead-via-hologram Frank Sinatra. What a bust.
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