'Bachelor Pad' premiere recap: OMFG

chris-harrison-melissa-rycroft-bachelor-pad-320.jpgEver wonder what happens to all the scamps, scads, tramps and cads cruelly cast off the Path of Love from "The Bachelor" and "The Bachelorette"? No? ABC doesn't care. They are going to make this show happen. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present for your consideration, "Bachelor Pad." Also known as ABC's attempt to meld the highbrow ... er, drama (?) of "The Bachelor/ette" with the lowbrow, herpes-addled, money-grubbing slutfest of VH1 reality television. Did you all see "I Love Money"? I did. Who doesn't want to watch the Disney version of that? *Raises Hand * ... Sigh.

Chris Harrison, the least gainfully employed person on television (yes, I'm including the Gosselins), greets us outside The Bachelor Pad, a.k.a. Herpes Manor. He touts the wild success of both "The Bachelor" and "The Bachelorette," not in the ratings department, but in the Love Department (please say that in your best Barry White voice), which is laughable. He talks about the romance, the weddings, the children. And he does it all without cracking a smile. He is a true "Bachelor/ette" zealot, which makes me scared of him just a little.

Anyway, Harrison explains that The Bachelor Pad is just a different way of looking for love. That's like comparing a candlelit dinner to a drunken weekend in Tijuana where you fall asleep under a cactus with a giant sombrero on your head and an undying love of Mexican stereotypes. But Harrison swears that this show is about love, and since he put it in air quotes we can only assume he means love of public indecency, binge drinking and nationally-televised barfing. He also promises that some of "our favorite" contestants will be competing and loving each other right before our eyes. Who the heck are these masochists who didn't get enough public shaming during their first go-round? (We have a guidebook for you.)

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