'Big Brother' recap: Hold Your Nose and Vote

big-brother-13-cast-premiere.jpgI know I've complained a lot about this show being on three nights a week, but after six days without it, I can see why: it's all so forgettable that it's hard to remember these people from one week to the next. Good thing the previouslies sequence from the finale lasts a good ten minutes. We get to relieve the betrayals and reversals of the season -- all four of them. Then all the names are back in the title sequence, including Dick's. Lovely.

Julie, in a red Star Trek bathrobe reminds us that it's down to the final three: Adam, Porsche, and Rachel. Whoever wins the final HoH competition tonight evicts the last person, choosing the other member of the final two and sending the seventh and final juror out to the studio with Julie. But first!

We go back to where we last saw the final three morons, holding onto a giant mixer blade over a yellow pool while being shot by a spooge-cannon from off-camera. Obviously Adam, Porsche and Rachel talk to the Diary Room about how much they need to win this for themselves, narrating it in present tense like they don't already know what happened. Porsche says she has a final-two deal with Rachel, which we see a clip of them making at some point in the past.

We fast-forward ahead to nine minutes and 46 seconds in, and they're starting to get dizzy, but they're all still up there. Even Adam, believe it or not. Same deal at 22:34, although the physical stress is starting to tell on Adam. He apologizes to them for some reason, then falls and disappears into the soup at twenty-nine minutes flat, claiming afterward he was saving his strength for part two of the three-part competition. As if there's anything to save. 34 minutes in, Porsche and Rachel are still up there, and the spinner may be gaining speed Or at least Porsche claims it is. She's getting motion-sick at 39 minutes, and as always, Rachel's locked on and looking as comfortable as if she were on a subway. Finally, at 46:10, Porsche's done, and Rachel wins. Again. Rachel acts in the DR like it's a dramatic victory, at this point where she's actually earned some of that arrogance she's famous for. And Adam has to help Porsche out of the pool, but he vows to step up his game for part two of the HoH competition. "If not now, when? If not me, who?" Well, anyone, really. And it looks like it's going to be veteran vs. newbie for the final two after all.


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