'Bones' recap: Murder leaves a bad taste in 'The Mystery in the Meat'

Lessons learned from the "Bones" episode, "The Mystery in the Meat" are:

1. Bring a bagged lunch to school.
2. Never eat something called "Hot Bacon" without checking to be certain it's a food product.
3. Make sure the bar in the middle of nowhere still has a country-western theme
4. Horse meat rarely meets health codes, even at public schools.

Failing to remember these things apparently results in murder and/or fights with biker gangs.

Shades of "Soylent Green"

The murder of the week begins with a school-lunch ode to "Soylent Green." That's because the yummy stew is people. People stew.

That tastes even worse than the normal slop.

Due to the rather extreme and disgusting nature of this particular murder, Booth, the Jeffersonian team and Caroline all rapidly descend upon the crime. It turns out that the mystery meat is a canned product called "Kettle-Top Stew" from a company called Tryon Foods.

And the victim is a food scientist associated with the company, a man named Howard Compton.

The junk-food oligarch did it

Despite Daisy and Oliver wanting to kill each other, the investigation into the shredded remains yields important results. They determine that Howard had to have been stabbed with a needle-like object used to marinate the meat during processing. This weapon would have managed to spray the assailant with loads of blood, so the team just has to find the culprit.

It's not Agatha Bloom, the olfactorily-blessed business partner of Howard Compton. She is hyper-rational like Brennan and wouldn't engage in a crime of passion without a darned good reason. It's not Susan the food scientist whose job was threatened by Howard's junk food-creating genius. She was busy figuring out how to make us all eat bugs at the time of the murder.

A manufacturer of "marital aids" (see above, RE: "hot bacon") and an environmental, natural-foods activist aren't to blame either. But during question of this latter suspect, it becomes clear that there is another motive: Howard Compton had been funding the natural-foods group secretly.

This was because Howard had learned of an unethical and unhealthy practice in his own industry.

Who is doing bad things to food? That would be the CEO of Tryon Foods, Sam Gifford. Booth figures out that Gifford had been buying horse meat from Mexico and passing it off as beef. When Howard Compton threatened to expose this, Gifford stabbed and then processed the scientist.

He even has the blood in his hair to prove it.

Ain't no party like a forensic-scientist party!

Poor Brennan never had a bachelorette party! This awful truth is remedied after the fact by Angela in "The Mystery in the Meat." Gathering all the girls together and hopping a bus to the middle of nowhere, the plan is to drink shots at a country-western bar and ride the bull and stuff like that.

Unfortunately, the bar has become a biker hangout in recent years.

But that's nothing that copious amounts of alcohol and impressive forensic parlor tricks (Brennan can do the knife-between-fingers thing!) can't fix. Soon, all of the ladies are having an excellent time with the bearded bikers.

The fun ends when a biker chick gets offended by Brennan being Brennan and starts an all-out rumble with the crime-solving ladies. Impressively, the Jeffersonian women are pretty darn good at holding their own in a fistfight.

Also, these ladies know people in law enforcement. This helps when arrests are likely. Instead of jail, however, Brennan gets to go to her own home, where she can crawl upon the floor and reference erotic moments in the bathtub with Booth.

( Note: Emily Deschanel playing drunk sounds eerily like her sister (Zooey Deschanel) speaking normally on "New Girl.")

In addition to hangovers, there is one definite good thing that comes out of the bachelorette party: Angela and Booth make up. Angela apologizes for hating Booth after he broke off the engagement. And Booth acknowledges that Angela's anger came solely from a desire to protect her best friend.

They hug it out, much to Booth's discomfort.

So many funnies

  • "The stew ... It's people! The stew! It's people! It's people!" - Bully
  • "Federal programs paying for cannibalism isn't popular on Capitol Hill." - Caroline
  • "Canned murder? That's a first." - Booth
  • "Have you had this one tested for mental illness?" - Oliver
    "Yes. And I passed." - Daisy
  • "I'm not so sure that finger-crossing is the best method, scientifically." - Oliver
  • "I wish I'd gone into modern dance like my mother wanted." - Caroline
  • "Why do you keep uttering non-specific and meaningless explanations?" - Brennan
  • "Cat urine could be a natural flavor." - Brennan
  • "Working here has given me a pretty good knowledge of how to kill and how to get away with it." - Daisy
  • "This is a very confusing conversation." - Brennan
  • "You're the only person around here that I can tolerate. Possibly because we share a similar look." - Oliver to Hodgins
  • "Bacon and sex. Tough to pick a favorite. Put them together and that's magic." - McCann
  • "One question: The name, meat machine? Do you know if that's copyrighted?" - McCann
  • "This reminds me of a place I visited in Somalia." - Brennan
  • "I am not a skank! What's a skank? It sounds bad." - Brennan
  • "This stuff tastes like hate." - Cam
  • "I like it when you don't make me work." - Caroline
  • "Don't be nice to me. It's weird!" - Daisy to Oliver
  • "You've never seen Dr. Brennan dressed as a cowgirl, drinking flaming sambuca and fighting with biker chicks." - Daisy
  • "I'm not your friend. I'm like your sexual puppy-dog." - Booth

"Bones" airs Fridays at 8 p.m. on FOX.

Photo/Video credit: FOX