'Charlie Sheen Roast': Group therapy on tiger blood

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"Comedy Central's Roast of Charlie Sheen" was closer to a semi-organized group therapy session fueled by whatever medications were in Charlie's medicine cabinet than an actual roast.

The dais was flanked by two torpedoes labeled CSAF (Charlie Sheen Air Force) and Greek-inspired, ivy covered columns fronted by scantily clad goddesses. The man of the hour was escorted out on a steam engine by former G 'n R guitarist Slash rocking out.

The evening's surprise attendee Brooke Mueller. Sheen's ex-wife endured numerous barbs from the folks on stage. The toughest line of the night at her expense came from Jeffrey Ross who said of the former Mrs. Sheen, "She's not very bright unless Charlie's throwing a lamp at her. "

As for the roasters, the performance of the evening came early on from Jon Lovitz. The former "SNL" star, seemingly plucked from nowhere for the event, showed the talent that landed him on the NBC comedy series from 1985-1992. His attacks were relentless offering lines like "How much blow can Charlie Sheen do? Enough to kill 'Two and a Half Men.'"

Jeffrey Ross, dressed as Moammar Gadhafi, gave a performance deserving of his moniker, "Roasmaster General." He ran what he called a "comedy intervention," and with jokes like "Whenever the writers put new lines in the script he tried to snort them" and "The only time your kids get to see you is in reruns," he wasn't far off.

Then there was the hotly expected Mike Tyson. For once a good sport, the champ took a whole bunch on the chin ... or perhaps on the face. Ross wondered of Tyson's tattoo, "What is that on your face, a map of Waterworld?" And when Tyson took the stage, he took roasting to a new level of confusion.

Tyson's routine was more like a Jackson Pollack painting turned into jokes. It was messy collection of thoughts, but when observed in its totality, it was brilliant. He did throw in a couple of one liners, the best at the expense of Jeffrey Ross. The champ said, "During your performance, I wish I'd bit my own ears off." But it was his wandering monologue that was somewhere between unforgettable and completely indecipherable.

[For and  extra fun, watch how many times Tyson tries to button his jacket and fails. The total number is close to 15.]

Amy Schumer, William Shatner and Anthony Jeselnik were all solid, mostly ripping each other rather than Sheen. Schumer went after Shatner's portly physique with "Does Priceline pay you in empanadas?" Steve-O, Kate Walsh and Patrice O'Neal were poorly cast for the occasion offering wandering, bland and somewhat dull performances.

When it came to Sheen's turn, he took it all in stride. In fact it could really be summarized with his opening line, "It wasn't until tonight that I realized how f***ed up I was."

Exactly.
Photo/Video credit: Getty Images
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