'Dancing With The Stars' recap: How Am I Supposed to Lift Without You?

brooke-burke-dwts-320.jpgLast night, people thought Bruno was really mean because he was honest about how terrible Michael Bolton's routine was. I've noticed that the judges are nicer this season, especially to the female contestants. I wonder if they did polling showing that people don't like it when the judges are mean. What they need to do is have a "Simon," who can be brutally honest, and then the other judges can be nice. Len fills that role sometimes, but not always. Anyway, Michael Bolton was six points lower than his closest competitor, so will he go home? Let's hope so. And as many people have pointed out, Bolton has a concert scheduled for Monday, so if he does stay, thousands (hundreds?) of residents of Nebraska are going to be pissed off. That seems like a bad oversight.

Let's review what we all saw last night. Kyle had poor technique. Brandy and Maks butted heads and had poor communication. So where do those two stand? Kyle and Lacey are safe. Brandy and Maks are in jeopardy. I think Brooke just said that we would find out their "faith" later. Well, I'm going to guess Christian, or possibly agnostic?

Tom gives Bruno another chance to be nice to Michael. Bruno basically tells Tom to f*** off and says that Michael is a great singer and a great person, but it's Bruno's job to tell him when he's not doing well. Len claims that he might say negative things but he always gives some positives too. Bruno yells that Len is lying and they go back and forth for a while. MANUFACTURED DRAMA! No one cares. Do they really think people will be buzzing at the watercooler tomorrow about the nature of judging on this show? "Hey, is that decaf? No? Did you see Dancing With the Stars last night? I agree with Len that the judges are there to enlighten." At least not in any office where I've worked. It's more like, "Did you see Bristol's dress? And what was up with those gloves? And could Corky Ballas be any creepier? Oh, I've got to take this. What are you doing for lunch?" Now that I work from home, I could seriously make up imaginary office coffee break conversations all day. I miss the little things about seeing other adults during daylight hours.

Kyle and Lacey get the encore for reasons totally unknown to anyone. Really. Unless they are going home tonight. Oh, no. They're already safe. I seriously have no clue why they got the encore. This is an episode of nonsense already.

Janelle Monae performs. I've heard the name but never seen her. I dig her retro style. She kind of looks like Otis Day from Otis Day and the Knights. I like the '60s skinny tie style of her music, but her voice isn't doing it for me. They keep cutting away from her when she's dancing, and I'm pissed because she's totally getting into the James Brown of it all. And I love a horn section. Heh. They actually had a dude come out with a cape a la JB. I remember seeing footage of James Brown doing that when I was a kid and I was like, "Why do they keep covering that guy up? And then he comes back and sings more? Why do they want him to leave? They should let him sing some more." It is a little confusing, right? Anyway, I enjoyed this performance.

Brooke the Investigative Journalist returns with footage from last night. It seems that people booed after Derek and Jennifer's scores were announced. And the EVIL PRESS reported that people were booing Sarah Palin. BUT! They have some raw, unedited footage to show us what really happened. Why is it unedited? They had time to edit it. Anyway, what we see is the three judges giving their scores, and then people start booing. The judges certainly react as if they are being booed. And you do hear a few people in the crowd yelling out, "Nine! Nine!" And the booing starts before Tom even moves across the stage to sit next to Sarah. So, fine. Unless you want to get into grand level conspiracy theories about how ABC fudged the footage, I'll buy it. And who cares? I was also wondering how the audience would even know that Tom was sitting next to Sarah Palin so that they COULD boo when she wasn't even on screen yet. If they can even see what's being shown on screen. Other than the few people sitting around her, no one would know who Tom was going to talk to, and thus wouldn't be able to boo or cheer. The whole thing is just dumb. Let's drop it.

While Tom was introducing the next segment, the judges clearly did something wacky, because Karina put her hands over her mouth and everyone else laughed while looking toward the judges. I DEMAND THE SECRET FOOTAGE! Anyway, it's time to find out the fates of a few more stars. Last night, Len told Florence that she'll be back next week. The Situation was happy to improve from last week, score-wise. Bristol's mom called her "Bristol the Pistol." So who's safe and who's still in jeopardy? Florence and Corky are safe. So are Bristol and Mark. But The Situation and Karina are still in jeopardy.

Why do they keep calling last week a "surprising elimination"? Maybe The Hoff was surprised, but no one else was. Now they're going to talk about the frontrunners. Tony promised Audrina that he would wax his legs if they didn't get three 8s, and then Bruno gave them a 7. Jennifer got the highest scores of the night for her jive and kind of looked like she was going to collapse. So are both of these couples safe? Audrina and Tony are safe. Jennifer and Derek are also safe. Well, no surprise there. I'm glad they didn't try to drag it out with those two couples, because come on. If either of them were going home, we would have been hearing about "a shocking elimination."

Clip package about the rituals that the dancers go through. Karina does a routine before every dance. Derek wears two pairs of socks. Corky goes and smells the dance floor. No, he really does. Tony and Maks throw a football. Cheryl uses hand sanitizer as deodorant. WTF? Louis eats chocolate cake. Mark plays guitar. Lacey's mom (who looks like a scary witch, I'm sorry) brings her daughter chocolate chip cookies. Some of them have rituals with their celebrities too, but those are all pretty boring and nowhere near as weird as Corky smelling the floor or Cheryl using hand sanitizer (or as my nephew ingeniously puts it, "hand-itizer") under her arms.

Macy's Stars of Dance. It's a modern number with contortionists, a ballerina, and wire work. Not my bag. I don't watch this show to see modern dance. More ballroom and Latin please.

Seal is here to perform. He's still putting out music? I thought his profession was now impregnating Heidi Klum. I guess someone has to put out music for Delilah to play on her nationally syndicated radio program. Have you guys ever listened to Delilah? I love that s***. I unapologetically, unironically love Delilah. She'll give you advice and then play a special song for you! That's service. Ask Amy doesn't do that shit. While Seal sings, Lacey, Kym, Chelsie, and Cheryl come out to dance. The whole routine is kind of like Seal is the maypole and they are a bunch of wood nymphs dancing around him. It doesn't really go with the song, but no one cares.

Clip package on how competitive the stars are. Margaret -- not really. Kurt -- very. Everyone else -- somewhere in between. Yawn.

Let's find out the results for a few more couples ...

Photo credit : ABC



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