'Dancing With The Stars' recap: Return of the Champions (And Near Champions)

tom-bergeron-dwts-320.jpgHey, it's the big 200th episode of "Dancing With the Stars"! Where they're going to bring back past contestants! And hopefully show some of the older routines, so I can figure out if they really were better or if I've just become jaded. Brooke actually has a really pretty dress on tonight. It's not a bandage dress.

The first routine is all of the pros who have been on the show (or at least the ones that would come back) dancing to the first song from the first episode -- "Crazy In Love" by Beyonce. I totally remember this! I also do not recognize some of these pros. It's Tony and Chelsie and Louis and Karina first. Then Kym and Dmitry and Blonde Anna with Jonathan. Then it's someone I don't recognize -- Elena, maybe? With Fabian? And Ashly with someone so short that I can't see him, so it must be Corky. Do you think Edyta will come back? And Alec? And Julianne? This is kind of exciting. Damn, Louis and Tony do this thing where they THROW Chelsie over Karina, and it was pretty awesome.

Time for the next round of pros to come out, and it looks like Cheryl, Redhead Anna, and Maks. Then it's Lacey and Derek and Mark. Well, we know who the stars of the show are, huh? Or are those just the pros that are still in it this season? I guess that's more likely. They do this awesome circle dance with the women rotating to different partners around the outside, and then finish up dancing in a pyramid formatting with Louis at the point in front. Good job, pros. They have a really hard job and don't get the recognition. Think about something you're pretty good it. Now think about having to teach someone else to do it, someone that probably has little to no prior experience. Now try to make that person an expert in a week. Now do it on national television. So there you go. Also, all of those people I was asking about earlier? None of them came back.

And then I don't know what happens, but the camera is focused on the dance floor while the pros walk off and then weirdly on the audience clapping for way too long because it finally goes back to Tom. Usually this show is well-directed (at least it ends on time each week, Idol), but that was wacky. So they're going to introduce stars from various seasons who have returned (i.e. who was most desperate for some publicity). First up are the stars from season one, and it's only Trista and John O'Hurley. Granted, it was a smaller season but that's pathetic. And I really want to see Joey McIntyre dance again. He was my favorite. From the second season, we have Tia Carrere, Stacy Keibler, Lisa Rinna (of course), and Giselle Fernandez, who I forgot existed. Season three has Harry Hamlin, Joey Lawrence, and some lady in the middle that I seriously cannot identify. I'm looking at the list of contestants and I have no clue. They're also sitting right next to Season Five and I get all mixed up. Bad lighting, people. The spotlight was on Jane Seymour and I was like, "She wasn't on that season!"

Season four was a joke -- John Ratzenberger made it halfway? Anyway, he's there along with Shandi Finnessey (I think that's who that is). Okay, now they go to Season Five and it's Cameron Mathison, Jane Seymour, Sabrina Bryan (again, I think -- she's dyed her hair) and possibly Josie Maran? She's wearing a hat. This sucks. Apparently no one from season six showed up, so they move right on to season seven, and it's Jeff Ross, Lance Bass, and Warren Sapp (and obviously Brooke Burke is there as well). From Season Eight, they have Ty and Melissa. And from Season Nine, they have Donny Osmond, Michael Irvin, Chuck Liddell, and Kathy Ireland. Oh, wait, and also Louie Vito who is so short that I couldn't see him because he's standing behind DONNY OSMOND! Who is tiny himself. And also Ashley Hamilton, who I didn't recognize as a contestant. And FINALLY, it's Season Ten's representatives, Erin Andrews, Evan Lysacek, and Jake Pavelka.

I'm going to assume that there are more people there from each season, but they are being judges as promoed last week. Because the winners from each season were missing, right? That was also really poorly produced, as the contestants looked confused as to which camera they should be looking at, and what they should do.

So they are doing something with teams this week. I am all out of sorts. This is confusing ...


You guys, Bristol needs to go home this week. She can't hang anymore. Please. Make it happen. Here are their scores:

Brandy and Maks: 27 + 37 = 64

Jennifer and Derek: 27 + 37 = 64

Kurt and Anna: 27 + 34 = 61

Rick and Cheryl: 24 + 37 = 61

Kyle and Lacey: 24 + 35 = 59

Bristol and Mark: 24 + 34 = 58

Photo credit: ABC


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