'Desperate Housewives' recap: Indian Forgivers

desperate-housewives-cast.jpgSo get this s***: Susan's entire storyline in this episode is about how she's sooo lucky that people are constantly dropping dead all around her, while she does things like benefit from their suicides and fall into their potted plants. Her dialysis buddy Dick finally kicks the bucket, and somehow bequeaths her his gambling problem, so then Susan spends the entire episode gambling, winning and crying. Just when you think maybe she's going to develop a gambling problem or something cool like that, she finds a way to cry her ass off and talk about herself to a mind-numbing degree, something to the effect of, "Why is God such an a**hole that I keep coming up roses when I deserve to be murdered one hundred different ways in slow motion?" And the show is like, "God is a mysterious f***** that way."

Bree's had Andrew in AA for the last month, and now he's decided to tell Carlos that he killed his mom back in Season One. Even though that is totally not what happened, everybody acts like it's the end of the world and eventually Carlos and Andrew just coincidentally take a hunting trip together, so Gabi and Bree head on up there so that Carlos doesn't murder Andrew in the woods, and eventually Bree's the one that tells Carlos about the running over of his mom, and Carlos gets "intense" and it's sort of unbearably dumb, and then eventually Carlos forgives Andrew... But not Bree, who was a grownup who covered up her kid's hit-and-run. End result: Bree and Gabi are forbidden from being friends anymore, as if they have had a single scene together all season.

Renee teaches Lynette to be a rich b****, but Tom cares more about his hot new job than he does about Lynette's money-jacked libido, and basically is more in love with his awesome job than with her, which hurts twice as much because of how we're ignoring pretty much any memory that Lynette was ever anything other than an unhappy SAHM. Renee explains to her that when you manipulate your man into a high-earning, high-stakes job so that you can have a bunch of money, your man still has to actually work for his living, and how that's the sad thing about being a whore.


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