'Desperate Housewives' recap: Jodie Foster's Beaver

desperate-housewives-s7-eva-longoria-320.jpgStupid Julie (hi, Julie!) wants to give Susan her kidney, and also teams up with Mike to call Susan's mom and drunken aunt -- Susan makes them feel s***** about all of this, of course. Then she turns her deformed kidney into a referendum on Sophie's terrible parenting -- like we couldn't tell from how Susan turned out -- and then we learn that Sophie's got secret cancer. Moderately touching, if it weren't about two horrible women reconciling rather than being run over by separate trucks.

Lynette tortures Tom throughout, and it's gross and stupid. Renee says she won't tell, but immediately does. Because after cheating you should totally make a secret alliance with the person. He's the good guy for about five seconds, if you can believe it... Until they drag the kids into it like a couple of assholes. Eventually they reconcile because their lives have been so full of constantly forgetting to use birth control and the beautiful moments that follow that time management just shouldn't be a priority.

Bree ignores Beth until the Reverend guilts her into making friends through a verse war and spiritual blackmail. Beth looks like a lunatic some more and tries to defend Paul, telling us the last seven seasons of this show in the process. Bree -- backed up by Renee, which is fairly awesome -- decides to throw Beth a party nobody wants. Susan and Lynette are assholes, Beth and Gabby are basket cases, and Bree is investigating everybody these days.



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