Golden Globes, 'The Bachelor,' 'Sleepy Hollow' and more of TV's best lines from Jan. 12-18

brooklyn-nine-nine-cast-golden-globes-gi.jpgWe're officially in the midst of award season, which means we have at least one or two more months of celebrities making slightly unprepared, off-the-cuff quips about themselves and their costars. Zap2it has compiled the best lines on TV from the week of Jan. 12-18 -- including the aforementioned quips, along with some jokes from some of our favorite comedies, like Golden Globes winner "Brooklyn Nine-Nine" and "Community," and some of our favorite dramas, like "Sleepy Hollow" and "The Blacklist."

20th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards

"I'm so [expletive deleted] old!" -- Rita Moreno, accepting her Life Achievement Award

"I said, 'Daddy, do you know Brad Pitt? I'm going to be in a movie with him!' And he said, 'I don't know him personally, but I'm glad you got a job.' And so am I!" -- "12 Years a Slave" co-star Lupita Nyong'o, accepting her award for movie supporting actress

"This is the most fun night! I never get out." -- Oprah Winfrey, a double nominee for "Lee Daniels' The Butler"

"I basically took the whole bowl home. Which is not a good sign at a pot-luck dinner." -- Dermot Mulroney, on the Waldorf salad he made for his "August: Osage County" co-stars

71st Golden Globe Awards

"Don't ever do this again!" -- Jennifer Lawrence, unprepared for an acceptance speech upon winning for movie supporting actress

"Okay, I didn't watch all of them." -- Lawrence, after claiming she saw all of this year's nominees

 "I didn't want to break her. That's not how I want to go down in history." -- Julia Roberts, on her fights with Meryl Streep in "August: Osage County"

"I'd be in my pajamas, eating junk food and obsessively refreshing my Twitter." -- Lena Dunham, on how she'd be watching the season premiere of "Girls" if she wasn't at the Golden Globes

"You have to talk to them ... sing to them ... make them feel really comfortable." -- Zooey Deschanel, on decorating her fingernails with daisy art

"I'd always been the shortest person in the hair-and-makeup trailer, but I surpassed everyone." -- Bradley Cooper, on getting his hair styled for "American Hustle"

'Sleepy Hollow'

"One sign of the impending apocalypse is surely skinny jeans."-- Ichabod, on the new wardrobe Abbie tries to get him to wear‬

'‪Parks and Recreation'

‪Leslie: "Great news guys -- I just saved your bacon."‬
‪Ron: "Impossible. You don't even know where it is." [looks up at ceiling]‬

'American Horror Story: Coven'

Madison: "Crotchless panties for everyone!"

'Psych'

Shawn: "I'm Shawn Spencer and this is my partner, Trending Ontwitter."
Gus: "Hashtag What Would Gus Do?"

'American Idol'

Singer: "You're Harry Connick Jr.!"
Harry Connick Jr.: "No, I'm Chris Isaak. ... 'Wicked Game'?"

Connick, to the one singer who's a huge fan of his: "If you blow us away on the first song, I'd like to pick you up and hold you like a baby on the second."
Keith Urban: "That is a weird incentive."

"I will slap you, Jennifer. I will slap you on national television." -- Connick to Jennifer Lopez, disagreeing on whether to send an auditioning hopeful through to the Hollywood round

"Oh, I'm sorry, baby." -- Lopez, after voting "no" on an auditioning J. Lo devotee

"Is he gonna be all right?" -- Ryan Seacrest to a relative of the rejected, devastated J. Lo devotee

'The Michael J. Fox Show'

"How could you do this to us?" -- Mike, about a couple he and Annie like, and who may be splitting up

"How do we feel about boat people?" -- Mike to Annie, about someone with "yacht" in their Wi-fi name

'Blue Bloods'

"I understand protocol. I just don't like following it." -- Danny to an Army major during a military base investigation

"The family legacy is not combat. It's service." -- Danny to son Jack, who is researching the Reagans' military history

"I see my dad go to work every day, and I know he makes a difference in someone's life every day. I want to be just like him." -- Jack, about Danny, while making a school presentation

'Community'

"Everyone has the right to whatever fake religion they delusionally choose." -- Shirley

"If I wanted the government in my uterus, I'd fill it with oil and Hispanic voters!" -- Britta

"Okay, you guys are changing your faces. Are you mad at me, or are you hungry?" -- Abed

"Let's celebrate his life and death in the honest way -- not by saying fake, nice things around a casket but by admitting we're monsters and clawing -- joyfully -- for some of his cash." -- Jeff

"Cool. Cool cool cool." -- Abed's response to Troy leaving
"That's a lie." -- Polygraph operator

'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'

‪"Do you have any dietary restrictions Medieval Times should know about?" -- Jake, talking smack to Santiago‬ about their bet

'‪Suburgatory'

‪Fred: "The two of us are navigating what's known as empty-nest syndrome."‬
‪Lisa: "Right -- except the nest isn't technically ... empty."

'Ravenswood'

Collins: "He's starting to realize what he got himself into."
Grunwald: "What do you think he'll do?"
Collins: "Something stupid. Something someone will have to clean up."

'Archer'

FBI Agent Holly: "Guys, we talked about this. You're supposed to yell 'FBI' at the beginning, after the flashbangs, but before other fat Mike gets shot."

Krieger: "Is it murder if they were my own clones? I'm seriously asking."

'The Blacklist'

Red: "Janice, my sincerest apologies. I'll take a rain check on that stroganoff, it smells delicious."

'The Bachelor'

"Juan Pablo, today I gave him the hymen maneuver." -- really drunk Victoria (she means "Heimlich,' though on this show, could go either way)

'Downton Abbey'

Lady Violet: "It won't bring him back for you to sit alone night after night." Isobel: "I know. But you see, I have this feeling that when I laugh or read a book or hum a tune, it means that I've forgotten him, just for a moment. And it's that that I can't bear."

'Marvel's Agents of SHIELD'

"Huh, Bucky Barnes." -- Skye, looking at the wall of lost agents at SHIELD Academy

"Simmons is probably smarter, technically, but that's because she likes homework more than life itself." -- Fitz to Donnie Gill, a.k.a. Blizzard

'Person of Interest'

"While I'm in Italy, I've got to get fitted for a new suit." -- Reese

"We have free will, and with that comes great responsibility -- and sometimes great loss." -- Finch
Photo/Video credit: NBC
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