'Gossip Girl' recap: I Love You, Agnès b. Toklas

gossip-girl-season-5.jpgSerena -- drunk on the thought one of her schemes may actually work, sick with the thought that Cousin Lola may be eclipsing her -- sinks the latter's audition with Lars Von Trier in such a hamfisted, contrived way that Lola instantly figures out that Serena is Gossip Girl, and runs to tell Nate. Nate Archibald, that is. Nate, who only dates crazy girls. Crazy girls who make up stories.

So Nate tells Lola to stop being crazy and/or talking out of her stupid mouth, because he's too busy dealing with Diana Payne's creepy come-ons, dying of loneliness, and freaking out about Chuck. Who is in turn freaking out about learning that none of his previous mothers are actually his mothers, and that in fact he wasn't born at all: Somebody left a bunch of hair and a whiskey-soaked rag in a bucket full of sex, and then a month later Chuck Bass just appeared.

Lily and Rufus are on the verge of making up, but he still takes time out of his day to horrifically and needlessly harrass his son Dan about what a mistake it is to date Blair, because these UES bitches just make you their bitch. Being a Humphrey goddamn through and through, Dan runs with this concept, stonewalling Blair about all kinds of **** for no reason and generally being a walking advertisement for why people never date him for all that long.

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