'Gossip Girl' recap: Your Sex Is Actually On Fire

gossip-girl-leighton-meester-blake-lively-s4-320.jpgJuliet pisses off "Gossip Girl" and her mysterious Ben-friend when a rumor about Serena's sexual health doesn't really connect in any meaningful way. It causes a bunch of damn strife with Dan and Vanessa, but what doesn't, and as if Serena cares if you call her a whore.

Nate is a little nervous about it, but that's only because he believes everything Juliet says, and he's only doing that because she's still holding out on him, and brother's about to lose it. Because, of course, she's still trying to believe that she's not really dating him, just using him in her crazy weird plan. Which this week twists and turns more chaotically than even a Blair Waldorf plan, as she has to keep accounting for weird variables like Vanessa Abrams and her horrible integrity, Chuck Bass's all-out assault on Blair's Columbia aspirations, and Serena's come-and-go mental acuity.

So once Juliet realizes that everybody kind of already assumed Serena was carrying "STD" (in the universe of the show, a Disease -- not unlike "cancer" -- which is Transmitted Sexually), and thus doesn't really care, she takes advantage of Serena's other problem: Her punctuality issue. This one is sort of hard to explain because it makes no sense, but apparently there is only one taxicab on the Upper East Side, and every time Serena tries to go to this one class, Sam Page (Joan's husband on Mad Men) shows up and steals the cab for his lady of the previous night. Every. Time: No cabs. So she's in danger of getting dropped from the class, because for serious this is what happens in the scandalous lives of Manhattan's elite.

In her attempts to get this professor's attention and explain her... taxicab issue... the entitled Miss van der Woodsen opens herself up to a huge new thing: Juliet gets Vanessa to steal S's phone and then uses it to text the teacher about maybe trading some sex for grades. It's believable, because she's spent the whole week running around in a bustier and shorts like she's in that movie where Xtina takes makeup tips from Cher and Channing Tatum, but the bottom line is that Serena is not actually expelled, but the Dean knows she's fishy. Vanessa is run out of town in shame despite not really doing much wrong, which is how we like it best.

Meanwhile, Chuck has drawn Blair into a land-war over this visiting professor by auditing the class, stealing B's minions and her spot as the teacher's assistant, and generally being one step ahead. The damage is limited, but there is an awesome sequence in Hamilton House where they start screaming in each other's faces about all the dirt they have on the prof, how far they were prepared to escalate, the nuclear options, etc. The professor finally quits due to them being crazy, so now the Dean has her eye on both our girls.

In the end Chuck proves evil/crazy enough that Blair is getting scared, and Serena's lost her suspicion of Juliet and is thus even more vulnerable to her dastardly plan, but at least has a new cad to focus on. And then Juliet's falling for Nate, given that she finally loses track of her con and sleeps with him despite her strange connection to Jailbird Ben, which doesn't bode well for Nathaniel but sure makes her a lot more interesting.

Photo credit: The CW
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