'Hell's Kitchen' recap: Ain't No Cure For Love (But There Is A Cure For Salmonella)

gordon-ramsay-hells-kitchen.jpgI have a confession to make: When this season started, I thought the pinball opening credits were the corniest thing ever. Now, I think I may be in love with them, and would consider marrying them -- you know, if not for society. From the terrible acting to Gordon Ramsay's quiet "Yeah!" to the way he goes from smiling to arms-folded scowling -- I don't skip them, ever. Anyway, where were we? Oh yeah, Jonathan was summarily dismissed after demonstrating the way he Never Gives Up, Not Ever, Unless He Gets a Crick in His Neck. Ramsay kicks the chefs out, but not without telling Elise, deservedly, she did a good job (a few competitors do too). Elise accepts it with her usual grace and humility. "I kicked ass and banged it out without even blinking twice," she tells us, and she points out to the other chefs that eighty-five percent of the entries came from her station. "Everything was me!" she says. Carrie decides she can't let this go, and goes on to prove she's as good at arguing and comebacks as she is at leading the team, calling Elise a "broken-ass record" and Elise calls her a "crybaby ass" and now Elise is running around the room squawking, pretending to be Carrie. Elise promises to make sure Elise is going home.

The night ends without homicide, and when the chefs reassemble the next morning, Ramsay asks which of them is married. Will and Elise raise their hands, and Ramsay asks Elise if she won her man over with her cooking. Her man? That's touching on the presumptuous, these days. Anyway, Elise says it was her spaghetti that did it, which is something her husband might also answer if he's not talking only to his buddies. Then Ramsay weirdly asks Jennifer about the last time she "seduced a man" and she alludes to knowing what gets the boxers off, but then chickens out and says she's married to the job.

Anyway, food equals romance and whatnot, so the challenge this time is to create a "sexy" dessert. Like a big hollow cake with a dame right in the middle?

They've got one hour, so the chefs get to work. Will says he has no idea what he's going to do. "I ****ing hate desserts!" he yells. Jamie likewise hates desserts. "I've been pushed out of my comfort zone," she says. But the two of them are fighters, yes? I want Will to create something stubbly and cigarette ash-infused that looks like a backwards baseball cap. Paul makes fun of Tommy's sticky bun plan, since everyone knows that sticky buns are a breakfast food. Carrie floats the possibility of serving herself up on a plate drizzled with chocolate. I'll tell you what: There's four -- no, five! -- dollars in it for you if you do!



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