'I'm a Celebrity': Everyone poops... except Janice

Janicedickinson_imacelebrity_0610_290 Tonight on "I'm a Celebrity," there are a couple challenges and a tropical storm, but most importantly... Janice cannot have a bowel movement.

I apologize for the tardiness of this recap. There was a DVR issue last night and NBC isn't exactly timely in posting their shows online.

Most of the time I'm using TIVO so I bloop-bloop-bloop through the opening credits, but I watched them tonight. I love the "shaka-lakas" in the background and the different poses each celeb does as he or she is introduced. It beats the hell out of the creepy head turns on "The Amazing Race."

We join our celebs as they mourn the loss of Daniel. Stephen talking-heads about how special it was to spend time with his brother. I hope that's sincere, since he looked like he'd swallowed some manure when his brother showed up in the first place. Janice practically throws a parade at Daniel's depature. I'll admit she's being a little over-the-top, but it's not like he DIED. Everyone is acting like she's doing a soft shoe on his fresh grave or something.

Janice just piles on with her back-seat cooking on John Salley. He tells her they don't need any comments from the peanut gallery, which tickles me to no end because my mom says that to me and my brother all the time! NBA players, white middle-aged women from Iowa -- we're all the same, people!

Continuing this delight, Janice says she could out-cook anybody. She can "cook her ass off." Do you think she can jump a hurdle, even in her girdle? It's like being around Janice is just the extended disco version of "Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better."

The celebs share stories of fame. Lou has a delightful story of an encounter with Helen Mirren at the "La Bamba" premiere. She told him to keep his priorities straight. I'm more with Mitch: keep your priorities crooked.

Luxury Trial Time. The luxury is a massage, but the only people who benefit are the two celebs who compete. The guys pick Lou and John and the girls pick Patti and Torrie. The challenge is called "Walk the Plank" and involves one person cranking a winch that shortens the other team's plank while the other team member is on the plank. Whoever stays on longer wins.

I don't know that I agree with Lou cranking and John on the plank. John has huge feet, are you kidding me? They're like twice the size of Patti's! Torrie also is a better cranker than Lou. Delightfully, John is trash-talking Torrie. Not in a mean way, but trying to distract her. It's hilarious. And then he falls! Not only did Patti have more plank left because of her feet size, but she had more plank left because of Torrie's cranking. Way to go, ladies!

Humanize Janice montage. She opens up about her kids and her rough life and stuff. It's not that I'm unsympathetic to her experiences, but I know people who have weathered stuff just as bad as she has and they don't behave the way she does, so it doesn't make me like her more.

Scavenger Hunt. WOO HOO! I love those! Each celeb has his or her own item to find and has to bring it back to the confessional booth, one at a time. They whole group has five minutes. If they win, they get a treat.

Lou gets a candle, Stephen gets a mirror, Patti gets a jump rope, Holly gets brillo pad, Sanjaya gets tweezers, Torrie gets two dumbbells, Janice gets nail clippers, and John gets toilet paper. They manage to pull it off with 44 seconds to spare, which is amazing considering it took Lou 1 minute to get the candle. The reward is stuff to make s'mores. Mmmm. Torrie clearly takes my technique of just burning the hell out of your marshmallow. Mmmm.

John Salley wrestles with quitting the game, but he's just tired and cranky. Sanjaya takes over cooking to give John a break and Janice starts bitching and moaning about Sanjaya's cooking technique. He offers to throw a hot potato slice at her so she'll shut up and Stephen starts chanting, "Fight, fight, fight!" Hee.

He gives one to Holly and I'm pretty sure she calls him, "Sanjy." Oh lordy.

Janice Can't Poop Montage. She loudly declares that she hasn't taken a crap in 10 days. Some people are horrified but I think that's actually pretty funny. I would imagine that would be quite the problem in the jungle.  Stephen has the line of the series so far when he remarks, "I'm surprised she doesn't have some yoga pose that makes it come flying right out." It's called the Squatting Cow pose.

Feel Bad for Patti Time. She could go to jail blahblah indictment blahblah we do this every effing episode blahblahblah. She makes it sound like the Attorney General will just threaten to indict her unless her husband pleads guilty. It doesn't work like that! If she has something she should be indicted for, then indict her! If she doesn't, then she should be fine. It's not like the Big Bad Wolf Attorney can just indict her out of spite.

Tunnel of Terror Food Challenge. The voting public has elected Torrie and Sanjaya. Finally they picked a girl who can win stuff! In the tunnel (full of critters and the like) Sanjaya collects 19 stars and Torrie collects 18 stars. Wow, that was close. But hey, at least she was in it.

[in her narrow defeat]
Torrie: Why?
Sanjaya: Because I am THE MAN!

Hahahaha.

Janice Can't Poop Part Deux. (Get it? Deux?) Something is obviously going on with her intestinal system, she's been throwing up and is really weak. She stays in the medical clinic overnight for observation.

That night, a decent-sized snake slithers into camp and on-site security has to come remove it. That would scare the crap out of me, I hate snakes. Patti and John wake up to see the commandos taking a big snake out of camp. That would be scary. Ugh. It also reminds me a little of season 4 Buffy, when commandos were just sneaking around everywhere for awhile and no one knew why.

Janice comes back to camp all chipper and ready to go. I'm guessing she got to take a giant poo. Now that the demons are expelled she's bubbly and charming. Hahaha.

Camp Leader Trial. Nobody wants Lou Diamond to relinquish the role, but they have to get someone else. In this challenge, the celebs must answer questions where they answer which celeb they think America thinks fits the question. If you get it right, you put a strike on someone else and if there are three strikes, you're out. I enjoy these challenges on "Survivor."

First question is who does most work. America's answer is John. Sanjaya and Patti get it right. John says in a talking-head, "Thank you for noticing." Both Sanjy and Patti give Janice strikes. Question 2 is laziest. The answer is Janice and everybody gets it right. For some reason, they don't put strikes up when everybody gets it right. Weird.

Question 3 is most famous. Ooooh, good one! The answer is John and only Holly and Stephen get it right. That answer surprises me. I feel like the Venn Diagram of sports fans who know who John Salley is and people who watch this show doesn't overlap much. Holly strikes Janice out and Stephen gives one to Sanjaya. Huh.

Question 4 is worst bed-head. The answer is Sanjaya. Sanjy, Torrie, Stephen and  Holly put up strikes. Stephen gets two quick ones from Sanjaya and Torrie, Holly strikes herself and Stephen strikes Sanjaya. Question 5 is smartest. The answer is John. Torrie puts up the lone strike and eliminates Sanjaya. Question 6 is team player. The answer is John (wow, he is CLEANING UP). John eliminates Stephen, Holly gives Torrie her first strike.

Question 7 is sleeps most. The answer is Sanjaya (what? Are there live feeds that I am unaware of?). Patti eliminates Holly and Torrie strikes herself. Question 8 is eats the most and the answer is Janice. Torrie strikes herself out and John strikes Patti. Question 9 is best strategy. The answer is John and he gets to strike Patti again. Question 10 is least famous. The answer is Patti so John wins and strikes Patti out. John is the new camp leader. That's cool, I like him.

The main thing John wants as leader is an hour of quiet time each day, particularly from Janice. Snerk. His first scroll back at camp reveals that he gets pictures of his family. Awww! He has a beautiful wife and three gorgeous children. Lou takes a look at his oldest daughter and says, "Do you own a shot gun?" Heeee!

Deep Thoughts Time. The celebs sit around the campfire and talk about how much they like each other. It's nice and stuff, but let's move on. This is a long show.

Finally it's Immunity Challenge Time. It's called "Up in Arms" and guarantees someone a place in the Final Week. Except we don't get to see anything because Tropical Storm NBC has evacuated the celebs to the jungle confessional for their safety and they couldn't fit in to the live portion of the show. Guess we'll find out tomorrow later today who won immunity.

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