'I'm a Celebrity': Upbeat, unanimous Janice

Janicedickinson_imacelebritygetmeoutofhere_290 Tonight we have the awesome debut of the second season of "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here." Should be a fun-to-watch trainwreck!

For those of you who may be unfamiliar with the "celebrities" on the show, be sure to check out Zap2It's photo gallery and an article I wrote about what why each contestant is famous. Also, apparently Spencer and Heidi Pratt are already upset about having to "rough it" and that the celebrities on the show with them aren't famous enough. I do <3 irony.

Hosts Damien Fahey and Myleene Klass (...who?) welcome us to the festivities and tell us that the longer each celebrity is in the jungle, the more money they earn for charity. That's nice and stuff (go charity!), but it's still not going to make me be nice to them.

As the Red Team tries to ford the river (what about their oxen?) Patti Blago starts floating away, sans life jacket. I have to say, that's probably pretty scary even if it isn't very deep. I almost drowned white water rafting once, the rapids seem really powerful when you're just swept away by them. Luckily, though, she is fine.

Stephen Baldwin seems to be taking charge of the Yellow Team like some kind of Survivorman. I'm sorry, but I just can't stop thinking of his hand on naked Josh Charles' thigh. He does seem sincerely concerned for Frances Callier and Angela Shelton, though, which is nice. They are the larger members of the group and is not as limber going over the rocks in the river.

I have to say, Heidi Montag has on no makeup and her hair is all wavy from the humidity and she looks fabulous. Why does she have to be so made-up all the time? Rock the natural (albeit it plastic surgeon-enhanced) look, girl! Heidi, unfortunately, starts to have a bit of a meltdown about the rough conditions. Sweetie, if Janice Dickinson can be upbeat... you can be upbeat.

It turns out both teams are staying at the same campsite, that seems smart for maximum drama potential. As they stoke the fire, Janice and Stephen have some sexual innuendo banter, it's funny. Can I possibly be starting to not hate her? This is crazy. Heidi and Spencer continue to whine about the situation. Privately, she tells him she can't not have sex with him for three weeks. Oh my lord. I can't believe you want to have sex with him AT ALL, please don't remind me that you might actually enjoy it.

Spencer and Heidi want to quit (of course they do) and the others remind them not to cut off their charity like that. Spencer responds that that's why they picked the two biggest charities in the world and Lou Diamond finishes the sentence with "so they don't need the money?" The word "douche" is implied at the end.

Spencer goes off to call NBC's chairman Ben Silverman (from the Tree Phone) and bitch about he's "too rich and too famous to be sitting with these people ... in the jungle. This cast is devaluing our fame." I'm sure this is all for drama and shock value, but I seriously want to smack Spencer Pratt with a tubesock full of woodscrews. A vague disclaimer is nobody's friend.

The other cast members discuss Spencer and "The Hills." John Salley commends him for living in the moment (as I understand that, taking advantage of his 15 minutes of fame), but Lou Diamond clearly thinks he's a whiny brat. Lou Diamond for President! Frangela are of similar mind (minds?).

In the morning, everybody works hard... except guess who? Heidi and Spencer stay asleep while everybody works around camp. Shocker. When they finally *do* get up, they appear to leave again, so the rest of the folks start dividing up their stuff. Snerk. The Pratts finally come back and Spencer goes ape-crap that everybody stole their stuff, even smacking a water bottle out of Angela's hand. Heidi cries that people took the labels off her hair products. Wow.

Heidi then interviews that Spencer is a new Christian and that he's trying to work on his temperance and there's a weird metaphor involving bears... I'm very confused. Since when is Spencer Pratt a born-again Christian? He then accuses Torrie of using steroids and I hope that she kicks his skinny butt.

The hosts now tell us that it's Boys vs Girls and Janice Dickinson is very rah-rah cheerleader. My world is all askew. Frangela are upset because John Salley is a pro athlete, Lou Diamond is "a brick" and Sanjaya has "mad jungle skills." Heee. I love those Frangela.

Spencer decides to get "revenge" on Torrie by hiding her rucksack. What a Christian thing to do, right? As Jesus always said, "Turn the other cheek, but hide the possessions of people who make you angry." He then makes a big proclamation apologizing to everyone because his life is "five-star everything." Sigh. Heidi says that this is huge because he never apologizes.

As I said many times on "The Hills" recaps, I really think Heidi is kind of Stockholm Syndromey with Spencer. He cuts her off from her friends and family and makes her feel totally dependent on him. Ugh. Spencer tells the guys that "I don't fear no man." I guess by that double negative... he actually fears ALL men? That sounds about right.

First Challenge. It's an eating challenge, excellent. It's one-on-one faceoff style, Janice is sitting out because there are more girls than guys. First matchup is John Salley vs. Heidi. It would really tickle me if she won. The dish is a rat's tail. Sally just swallows it whole but Heidi makes a valiant effort.

Angela vs Sanjaya is a cow intestine milkshake. Sanjaya takes it, but clearly knows the strategy is to spill most of it down your front. Frances vs Spencer is a stick bug that is still alive. Spencer starts choking on his so Frances wins. Haha. Patti B vs Lou Diamond gets a tarantula, but it is dead thank god. Lou dives right in, gets a bit of the heaves, but pulls it out in the end. Boys are up 3-1. First to 5 wins.

Torrie vs Stephen is tripe, which is cow intestines. That's a delicacy in England, c'mon guys. Torrie eats to cheers from her team of "Eat that tripe! Eat that tripe!" and she wins, so it's 3-2. John and Heidi are back up, they get three scorpions. Heidi has a mad look on her face and tries like a trooper, but loses again. Sanjaya vs. Angela is an iguana's tail. Sanjaya just swallows his whole and the guys win. Seriously, forget chewing! Weak, ladies, weak. The guys win a chicken dinner.

Lou describes the challenge as "tying his courage to the sticking post." What a great phrase, yay for Lou Diamond Phillips. Back at camp, Spencer decides to ask about the "elephant in the room" and asks Patti about her husband's trial. She, of course, can't get into it (for legal reasons) and says that her husband did the right things for people. She talks about child health care and pre-school for everyone and says it was all about special interest groups. Spencer then sucks up by saying that when he met Rod, that's who he would've voted for for President of the United States. OH. MY. GOD.

All the celebrities lap it up because they, of course, know nothing about the politics of Illinois. Spencer calls the Blagos the "Heidi and Spencer" of politics. Sigh. They then pray together. I mean, I'm not against being a Christian, I am one myself, but... sigh. If anybody really wants to know the story behind the Blago scandal in Illinois, read here please. It is far too complex to get into in this recap.

That night the men get their feast back at camp, right in front of the women. That's harsh. But the guys share with the girls, which I have a feeling is going to cost them. Janice goes a little wonko about people throwing food in the fire because the rats will come. She's a little abrasive about it, but she's not wrong.

The teams elect leaders and Lou and Janice are elected. Lou makes the crack that the team will now be the "Blue Diamond Phillips." Snerk. Awesome. Janice has trouble saying "unanimous," but I go around sing-songing "Unanimous Janice" for the next five minutes.

Second Challenge. It's just Janice vs Lou Diamond, holding their arms up. If their arms drop, the bucket of jungle slime drops on them. If they win, they're camp leader for a week. Janice lasts about 3 minutes, then says Lou that he can have it and he better remember that she gave it to him.

Leader is a lot like HOH on "Big Brother." They don't have to compete in food challenges, they eat the good stuff always. They also get to pick one celebrity to do each of a list of tasks. Sanjaya says he'll do the foot massage every day. Frangela volunteers for dish washing. Baldwin volunteers for wood gathering and laterine duty. Heidi and Spencer were asleep and didn't volunteer for anything. Shocker.

Third Challenge. The celebrities are being... waterboarded? Hmm. And this is the segment that is live, gotcha. The celebrity who lasts the longest wins immunity for the entire team for this week. The celebs are strapped on boards, then titled into the trauma tank head-first. Cockroaches are poured into the tank and Frangela and Janice are out immediately. Wusses. Salley quickly follows. There is no water involved, so no waterboarding.

The next set of critters are grubs, then tarantulas. Yikes. We cut off before we see the end of the challenge. The phone lines open after tomorrow night's show. I'll be here for all the awesome shenanigans of the "celebrities" in the jungle of Costa Rica.
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