Is Nicolas Cage a real-life vampire? Definitely! See the photo proof
The photo is currently on sale on eBay with a starting bid of $1 million. Beware, potential buyers -- if Nic Cage croaks, you only get your money back if you can show the seller the body.
You all realize that since Cage is obviously immortal, he can keep making movies forever, right?
In the "questions" section, one eBay user commented to the seller, "Nick Cage has aged terribly in the past 10 years, he's obviously not been drinking his daily amount of blood to stay young."
The seller hastily responded. "My theory is that he allows himself to age to a certain point, maybe 70, 80 or so, then the actor 'Nicolas Cage' will 'die'... but in reality, the undead vampire 'Nicolas Cage' will have rejuvenated himself and appeared in some other part of the world, young again, and ready to start all over. From time to time somebody might mention to him that he bears a slight resemblance to the young version that dead American actor, whose name they can't recall, but eventually, those occurrences will stop altogether."
This makes complete and total sense. That fudgesicle guy is lucky he didn't get drained!
We'd recommend going out to procure some supplies, because now that there's undeniable proof that vampires exist, we're sure to see a run on garlic at the local Shop-Rite. You'll want to stock up on holy water, crosses, stakes, and vervain as well.
Good luck, and godspeed.