'It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia': Death and the high cost of dying hard

It's time again for the most inappropriate show on television, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. And while last week's two-parter pulled up lame in the second half, I'm happy to say both episodes of week two were hilariously wrong.

The McPoyles love spoilers. Don't be a McPoyle.

The first half begins with Frank chortling over the death of his ex-wife, Dennis and Dee's mother, via botched necklift. That's sad, because Anne Archer was so deliciously droll in the part. At the will reading, it turns out Dennis gets the house (as long as Frank never steps foot inside) while Frank's money goes to her lover Bruce and Dee gets nothing because she was a mistake. Yes, Dennis and Dee are twins. Dee can't make sense of it either.

Dee's all ready to dig up her mother's corpse to steal the jewelry, but Frank has a better idea. He'll pose as Dee's fiance and they'll trick the money out of Bruce. Dennis, Mac and Charlie, on the other hand, want to break in the mansion with a huge party, but realize they have no other friends.

Let's dispose with the latter plot thusly: The guys create unintentionally gay flyers for the big party, but rather than being swamped by queens, only two frat boys in togas show up. The guys kidnap them while acting truly scary. Yep, that's it.

Frank and Dee almost manage to outdo last week's abortion plotline. Bruce (Stephen Collins, reprising his hilarious sendup of the do-gooder Rev Camden role) knows who Frank is, despite his fake ponytail and soul patch, so he pushes to see how far daughter and non-biological father will go. First he brings over a brood of third-world kids for the couple to adopt, and when that doesn't faze them, talks about tension in the air and asks them to demonstrate their lovemaking technique. Too much? Nope, next scene Dee and Frank are in robes on the bed. Dee thinks quick, though, and says they're saving sex for marriage, so Bruce (an ordained minister, natch) offers to marry them the next day.

Too much? Nope. The next day they're married in the yard of the mansion with the guys and the hostages as witnesses. Bruce reveals his knowledge of the plot, then takes the videocamera to prove Dennis broke the conditions of the will, thus forfeiting the mansion. He leaves with the line, "You're the most horrible people alive," and he's not wrong. Love 'em.

Part two opens with Frank crawling into the bar's air vents to find his will, which Charlie hid. Mac seals Frank in (because the search is apparently a secret) and just then, the McPoyles burst in and take the gang hostage. If you like me are cackling at the promise of a "Die Hard" parody, you won't be disappointed.

Liam calls the police and demands a boat, $100 grand and a reversible Planet Hollywood jacket within one hour or one of the hostages will die. That leads to a fun bit where Dee and Dennis form an alliance, a la Big Brother, albeit to make sure the McPoyles kill Mac or Charlie first. That's followed immediately by Dee forming a secret alliance with Charlie. Good stuff. The McPoyles then turn the heat on full-blast.

Dannydevito_itsalwayssunnyinphilade That's so the McPoyles can dress the gang in their trademark bathrobes and tighty-whities (so the cops can't guess which of them are hostages). Dee develops Stockholm Syndrome, leading to Liam licking her neck in the worst tongue scene since "Return of the Jedi," Dennis tries to seduce unibrowed Margaret so she'll lead him to safety, and Charlie escapes into the vents. He and Frank meet in Charlie's Bad Room (where he goes to break bottles) and everyone winds up on the roof. Frank, of course, has been carrying his gun and now has it taped to his back. He fires wildly, and Ryan McPoyle falls off the roof in slow-motion.

Of course, the bar is only two stories high, so he lands on his feet and the other McPoyles climb down a nearby ladder. Their guns were fake, see, and the cops were never called. They just wanted to humiliate the gang as payback for ending Doyle's football career last week. Mission accomplished!

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