'Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency': Jesus hates your naked body

Janicedickinson_janicedickinsonmode Last time on Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency, we ended on a SUPER INTENSE cliffhanger: Would Dominique compromise her morals and pose naked in front of old people, or would she defy Janice and risk having her eyes clawed out? Tonight, we find out. And it involves "Model4Jesus." I seriously can't wait. (Spoiler alert? Sort of? Even though this show really just spoils itself through previews in the first two minutes?)

At the elderly art class, Janice and Dominique meet in the middle, and Dominique ends up posing in her panties. The old people, unsurprisingly, loved the whole experience--especially the guys. Who appreciate experiencing the "variety of the human body." If by that you mean "variety of emaciated girls and well-built guys," then yeah. It's truly astonishing. Janice interviews with some B.S. about how she creates these types of situations to push her models' boundaries, and see who'll be able to make it in the long run. So...the fact that they make for dramatic television is just sugar-free icing on the fat-free cake?

Ashley Paige, swimwear designer to the stars (whose website inexplicably plays "How Sweet It Is"), is looking for a few good female models for her latest campaign. But, she decided to be a publicity whore and go to Janice's agency instead. She's looking for "tomboy natural" girls, but, of course, not too natural. Because that would mean actual curves. And God forbid we have curvy models in an editorial shoot. Sigh. You'd think that a bikini shoot, at least, would be someplace where girls with curves could do well!

Anyway, Ashley says she has "exquisite taste" (and no, Ashley, adding "if I do say so myself" does NOT make you seem like less of a snob), and quickly weeds out the fatties. Because "men like skinny, and fat is SO out." HATE!!! Daria and Dominique get booked, and Alexis gets picked out from her photos. Which conveniently hide her scars. Ashley calls her look "diverse and different and trailer trash." Um, what?

Afterwards, Dominique decides to confront her nudity issues by turning to Model4Jesus. She brings Michael to the community church with her, since he has had a similar problem with Janice. The founder explains to us that Model4Jesus is a ministry that shows people that they don't have to conform to the world's idea of beauty. And...it does that by bringing together people who DO conform to that idea of beauty? Okaaay. Coincidentally, the first question in the meeting is whether anyone has had a client ask them to do something they didn't feel comfortable doing. Dominique draws a line in the sand, and that line is her bathing suit--no nudity (I feel that this leaves a bit of wiggle room on the underwear front).

She decides to bring Models4Jesus with her to break the news to Janice. This has the potential for awesomeness. Ten to one it ends with Janice pinning down all the Models4Jesus and stripping them herself. It starts off ugly, with Janice rightfully telling Dominique she feels ganged-up-on. Janice yells at them all that you have to be able to be naked to be a model, and then tells Dominique that she can't sell her if she has so many issues with nudity, basically kicking her out of the agency. Dominique's line in the sand, predictably, begins to slip a bit, and she says she's okay with tasteful nudity. Michael pisses Janice off by talking too much, and Janice is still mad at Dominique for not coming alone and for acting like a know-it-all after being discovered at a chain restaurant, but they both keep their places in the agency. For now. So...no throw-downs? Aww.

Next casting: an audition for the Temptation game show, on which they will be showing off prizes as part of the show's stable of models. Janice brings in a model from The Price is Right to show them how it's done, which is actually a good idea, because this is either harder than it looks, or Janice's models are totally incompetent. I'm guessing it's about 50-50. Unfortunately, the producer is looking for a less traditional approach, so the training wasn't really helpful. Tattoos also disqualify some models. In the end, after a lot of shirtless guys and bikini-clad girls attempting to sell prizes, Christian and Michael book the gig. The girls weren't hired, apparently, because they look too young.

And wow, another casting! Seriously, this show needs to NOT be an hour long. This time, it's for Andrew Christian, who is, according to Janice, "one of the most hottest designer of men's underwear and swimwear." Wow. They couldn't have had her re-read that line, since it was in an interview setting and everything? Also, I'm guessing that if Andrew Christian were really so hot, he wouldn't need to plaster his appearance on JDMA all over the front page of his website. Anyway, he's looking for three edgy guys and girls for his newest underwear line. Paul has cleverly worn the client's underwear to the casting. NICE. The clients love the models to the point where they want to book more than just six, and ultimately choose Joe, Danny, Shaun, Paul, Crystal, Ligia, Alexis, and Dominique.

At the shoot, we learn that Shaun and Paul are boyfriends. Wow, how has more drama not been made of this? Anyway, alarm bells ring when we learn that the shoot is going to be really edgy, with semi-nude shots, kissing, and skinny-dipping. And yeah, Dominique isn't on board with taking her top off. Janice decides that this is a Valuable Lesson for Dominique. And dude, Danny had to have his ass shaved. On television. Suck it up, Dominique. And yeah, of course, she does it. Janice is shocked (I'm not), and decides that she and Dominique are BFF again, since Dominique is doing such a great job booking gigs. After some package-stuffing and guy-kissing (almost), the shoot wraps successfully.

Next up: the Ashley Paige shoot (HOW LONG IS THIS SHOW?). Ashley is, like, totally super-psyched for the shoot, but gets worried when she sees Alexis's burns and scars. She up-front asks Alexis whether she's a cutter, which Alexis denies, saying she was in a car accident. Ashley, in a low-key way, tells Alexis that she's gorgeous, and needs to stop it with the burns and cuts. She arranges the rest of her shots so that the marks won't be showing.

Once Janice shows up, Ashley asks her to be in one of the shots with the models, because it would really fit with the theme. Oddly, since she's usually shoving other people out of the way in front of a camera, Janice isn't on board. At all. I mean, yeah, she definitely should've gotten a heads-up, but this is way out of character! She says she's not ready for a bikini shoot, and demands a one-piece. Then, she doesn't like the one-piece available. Oh, Janice. So predictably a diva.

It seems like she's agreed to do it, but Ashley keeps trying to convince her that the suit is cute, and Janice says she's like a "[bleeping] parrot." Which really doesn't go over well. Aww. Ashley's feelings are hurt! Janice blows her off (ha!), and they move on with the shoot. However, it doesn't exactly go smoothly, as Janice and Ashley struggle for creative control. Janice pisses Ashley off, Ashley pisses Janice off, they both piss me off, etc., etc., to be continued. Finally. God, can we, like, petition Oxygen to turn this show back into half-hour episodes? Kind of like the opposite of the whole NBC/The Office situation? Because that just felt like waaay more than an hour of my life. Just sayin'.

Who was more annoying tonight, Janice or Ashley? (And have you seen Janice's 12 Days of Christmas video yet? Because even though it's from last year, it's still comedy gold. Happy New Year!)

For more TV recaps and commentary, visit Liz at Glowy Box.

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