'Jersey Shore' recap: A Swarm of B******

jersey-shore-season5.jpgPreviously: Vinny returned to Staten Island, which meant the household narrative wasn't about The Situation for 13 seconds, so he walked out to make sure it would be once again because, if it's not all about Sitch, the world will explode. He's a hero! Can't you see it?

It's night at the Shore House, and Danny pays the kids an unannounced visit to tell them that Vinny's exit and Sitch's general space-wasting presence (seriously, Danny actually says, "Mike's pretty much useless") means they need another roommate to man the Shore Store. [ Note: Yes, that's why they need another roommate. Not because they are on a televised reality show. And it's Danny, not MTV, who does the "casting." -- RS.] I love how Sitch has literally been away from the house for, like, 20 minutes, and already the producers have deigned to make this massive stink. What a bunch of hooey. On the upside it does provide this awesomely rebellious line from Snooki about her hostility toward a new roommate: "I don't want anybody coming into the house. I don't care if I'm small. I'll kick you." I hope they pick an ungainly giant to be the new roommate just for the visual comedy.

Sitch finally returns. JWOWW updates him on the possibility of new roommates, but he doesn't care because he's still wallowing in the self-pity that, it turns out, he intentionally set up. He explains that he goes out of his way to be aloof on his birthday because he wants to see who will reach out to him. Yeah, I bet that plan really backfires when you're a repugnant asshat, huh? He tells the gang, "I don't know if you guys know about Cancers, but we're sensitive people." On that one I can personally call bull**** because I'm a Cancer, and I am one of the least sensitive people this side of the Jersey Shore. Snooki is annoyed, though not entirely fairly, because she knows the surprise party they've planned for Pauly and Sitch (mainly Pauly, if we're honest). She doesn't think Sitch has a right to feel unloved. Which would be true -- if he could see the future. At any rate, everyone's pretty oblivious to everyone else (what's new?), and they eventually decide to go to sleep.

The next day, the pressure is on to perform (inasmuch as you can "perform" at selling slutty underpants and airbrushed T-shirts) so Danny won't bring in a newbie. Pauly is cautiously optimistic at the good performance and, indeed, they manage not to get naked-wasted and/or arrested throughout their entire shift. That's, like, a first.

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